What worked for me: AA
No evangelizing here, just my experience.
I could power through short term – a week, a month, two months – high on my perspective and philosophizing with some depth. I can see that now in active using, I had some real and rich insights. I just didn’t really give a shit about them. I had become such a liar that I was perfectly comfortable with living out of sync with the conclusions I could draw through logic, meditation and prayer. I was just, cold.
One thing that began to scare me was that, despite my forms of control, they were always temporary, and I always retained a sense of “having to make up for lost time”. At a glance, I seemed to be doing well. And I was in many ways. However, I just kept drinking more and more, and started making crazier and crazier decisions.
And I wanted to change! I wanted to live! I just didn’t have any mechanisms Id care about when I got my chance to do what I wanted. And there was no magic and no spells and no incantations. I just couldn’t begin to fight until giving up. I had to find someone who had demonstrated sobriety and done so long term. Then I needed to do what they said (all the while retaining my brain, mind you).
To be honest, I am deeply devoted to my spiritual life and so, while the spiritual jargon of AA didn’t bother me (in terms of sounding religiousy), it DID bother me that I thought those cooky drinks would ignorantly try to supplant my faith with some (drunk me talking here: garbage quasi-spiritual American novelty).
All my fears were that and nothing more. They were not evidentiary and they weren’t substantive. They were the face of my anxiety, no more.
I know people where I live with 25 years and who don’t go to AA, so I hold zero notions about it being THE way. But me, being the liar and hider I became for my drug needed a group to be accountable to and for. FOR! These maniacs started telling me off the bat that I was helping them to stay sober!
Except now I get it…
I hope you find something that works