For me getting sober took 2 things: action and change. One thing I quickly learned on here, was that those who achieved and maintained their sobriety did something more than “just not drink”
I was one of those that swore I would never do AA, or any program for that matter. I actually said to my sober sister on here: “I just cant see letting someone dictate how I will live my life”. A stupid statement created by a false narrative I made up in my head about sponsors. @CaptAZ told me in those beginning days, to at least leave AA as an option. I rolled my eyes as I read it.
For 89 days I rolled with my own program. For 89 days it worked. I knew that evening, I could no longer do it own my own. I could see that day 90 was going to rough, failure loomed.
Failure wasnt an option. My first day with out a drink was suppose to be my last day on earth. I had planned to place a gun in my mouth. I actually had it there. The grace of God saved me. God simply said, “try sober”
I knew, as I still believe, if I drink again…I will pull the trigger.
Those first 89 days were full of activities. I set up a strict routine. I scratch made every meal. I set aside 2 hours a day to research anything dealing with alcoholism and addiction. I walked 5 miles a day. I journaled.
For the most part, I made great headway with my sobriety those 89 days. However, we know it takes a lot longer for the brain to re-set from addiction abuse. While life got better, all I was learning was how to fill the day with not drinking. To be honest, I think in the beginning, it’s a great thing to do.
Day 90 fell on the anniversary of the death of one of my sailors. I always blamed myself for his death. As an officer, I was responsible to bring him home safely to his mother…in my eyes I failed in.
Those first 89 days didnt quite get me ready to cope with that. It’s a tall order to re-learn how to cope with denied grief, misplace blame, and deep guilt.
Action and change. I took action the first 89 days. Day 90 I started the change. I had to stay sober
I was desperate to stay sober. I walked my happy butt into AA.
Here is the truth of the matter. I had to do more, or I would drink.
If you are constantly relapsing you have to ask yourself…have I done everything possible?
Stay sober my friends!
