Today I’m starting again

I tried to give up alcohol over two years ago and circumstances since then have made life difficult. It’s been hard. Whenever I haven’t been coping I turn to drinking like it’s a tool to ease my pain. It’s really not.

Yesterday was a bad day for me and so I drank so much I have absolutely no memory of it. I hate the blackouts, the embarrassment and the shame. Going through my phone and finding pictures and messages that I don’t remember taking or sending! A year ago I deleted all social media because of this. I embarrassed myself on a huge scale for all to see. I destroyed friendships and now I have none.

I want to be a better person for my husband and my children, so today I’m starting my sober journey again. Today will be easy enough as I’m resting in bed with a few bruises and aches. I’m guessing I fell somewhere.

Thankfully my sister was keeping an eye on me otherwise who knows what could’ve happened to me. That terrifies me the most, the not knowing where I was or what I did and what situations I could’ve got myself into. I never want to feel like this again.

My health is really suffering and I’m only 38 with COPD from smoking like a chimney when I’m drinking, I have extreme anxiety which manifests in panic attacks and I have PTSD from a range of reasons. I have a heart condition too. I really haven’t been looking after myself at all.

My husband has no idea how much I drink but I know I’m not very nice to him when I do, so I avoid drinking excessively around my family. I never want my children to see me like that and think it’s ok. I know I need to change and be sober and healthy for them.

It might be time to try the online meetings.

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Welcome. Sounds like your life has become unmanageable. One day at a time. Read around, contribute and we got you. You can do this.

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Yea maybe try ameeting might help wish you well

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I know the path of sobriety is no cake walk and we can all tell you how much better you’ll be for it, but of course addiction is complicated and sobriety is easier said than done, however I have to say that as someone who has struggled with panic attacks since I was a young girl, sobriety IS THE BEST WAY I’ve been able to manage them.
No they haven’t disappeared, but alcohol destroyed my mental health and ability to cope.
The sad reality is that it only gets worse.
Sobriety gives us the ability to access ourselves in a way we can’t in active addiction.
I wish everyone could experience this true authentic lifestyle.
Sobriety annihilates the shame, fear and insecurities that fester in addiction.
It’s been a bumpy road but all I can say is that I’m not afraid of myself or my pain anymore.
I want my triggers to be a guiding light for what I need to purge out of my body and grow into the most powerful version of myself.

Remember that every time you give in to your addiction you are abandoning yourself.
But it’s you who needs to show up for you more than anyone else.
YOU deserve to be loved and nurtured and it has to be you who does it.

Wishing you well on your journey and I hope to see you around here! :black_heart:

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Check in here daily on the forum. Try the meetings. Keep reaching out for help when you feel like you are going to falter. You have too much to lose by drinking like that again, it’s not worth it. You deserve to give yourself a better life than that.

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Thank you all so much for the kind words and the support.

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Yes! Start taking action daily. Challenge yourself to do 90 meetings in 90 days.
Here’s a platform that holds 70 AA meetings a week.

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I am so glad you are here and I am cheering for you! I spent years in therapy and trying meds to improve my depression and anxiety. Finally my therapist (the most amazing one ever, I have not found another good one since!!) said, have you tried not drinking? I had tried and failed to cut back. I was in a similar pattern as you - blacking out constantly, trying to figure out what I did, putting myself in unsafe situations. When I did stop drinking, my anxiety spiked thru the roof, and I just had to work through it and find other distractions. My new coping mechanism became reality TV :laughing:

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I have noticed today my anxiety is incredibly high, despite being on beta blockers! I might give the reality tv a go! Ordinarily I watch a lot of medical dramas but now I think about it they’re quite stressful to watch :laughing: I’m going to start painting again tonight and I’ve found an AA meeting online to attend tonight when everyone’s sleeping. I’m a night owl so a midnight meeting seems appropriate. I’m so glad I decided to come back on here today because reading everyone’s stories is helping me to see that I’m not alone in this. I may not get my memories back but I can definitely create better ones!

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I’ve also found that in my recovery my taste in movies and TV has changed. I’m much more sensitive (or at least I’m more conscious) about my emotions, and for me that means I avoid media sources that can cause me stress or emotional disturbances (this includes fiction like TV and movies that make me feel distressed, but it also includes the news; I haven’t followed the news at all since I got sober).

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Sometimes it takes a horrible fall to wake us up. :wave: been there. I lost many relationships. Even with my daughters. Today I’m actually celebrating 9 months sober. It has been the best decision. Some relationships are being mended, growth has been happening. It’s all for the better. We are nothing but darkness in our addictions. Hang out forever and watch the light start finding its way in. It won’t be easy, but at least you won’t be hungover in guilt doing it. Stick around friend

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The news is definitely one that I’ll no longer be following. I do find it extremely triggering. I think if I’m going to do this properly this time around there are a lot of things I need to change.

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Audiobooks and physical books helped me greatly in early sobriety because they kept my mind occupied.
Same with this community, they were key.
I’m 42 and a mom like you. I’m almost 10 months sober.
One day at a time.
You can do it. It’s hard but worth it.

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It’s day 2 and I’m struggling to stay asleep.i woke up several times throughout the night with this feeling of utter dread and shame. Admittedly I avoided a meeting last night as I was absolutely exhausted, I was in pain with my hip (still have no memory of what I did!) and the headache from hell was a joy all night long. I do need to be tougher with myself. I’m feeling like this for a reason! My aim today is to attend two online meetings while I’m feeling this bad. I need to push through the anxiety and take accountability.

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Hi lady, glad you have planned to attend a meeting. Keep us posted about how it went!

Sleep will improve but that can take a while. First weeks of my recovery I slept very light with many dreams and hot flashes.
I took a melatonine supplement to help me a bit with that. I tried to help my body a bit with extra care trough healthy food, hot baths and rest when I could.

Hope you will have a good day 2 with less anxiety. Keep doing what’s need to be done, you are worth it! :heavy_heart_exclamation::facepunch:

All the best, Claudia :raising_hand_woman:

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Instead of beeing tougher to yourself, try being kind and caring. Detoxing is hard work, your body, brain, mind, emotions go through a lot of stress and need time to adjust. Take the nap, enjoy the shower, make the special tea, go around the block to air your head, give your face a scrub and mask, close your eyes - it’s rest even when you don’t sleep. Put on a meditation or calming sounds, drink a smoothie, grab some vitamin supplements. Hugs to you :people_hugging:

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Thank you! I’m so glad you mentioned the hot flashes as I’ve been waking up sweating and I never sweat?

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Yes, weird isn’t it! For me it was proove I had more then a problem with alcohol :hugs:
It are withdrawal symptoms. I had them for a few weeks and that was it. Never again :facepunch:

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Hopefully this is as bad as it gets! Although, I have started having very strange dreams. I’m unsure if that’s connected but I’m thankful I’m already on beta blockers as I’m having a few palpitations too.

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One time I had crushed and snorted a whole bunch of adhd pills and after that found my primary school friends on facebook sending them dm’s all night. When I woke up the next day I was insanely ashamed… This reminded me of that day

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