Good evening,
I am brand new. I have been clean since 3/12/1987. I have been dealt a series of devastating blows since March of this year. Last night I reached that point of f it I give up. I have been dreaming of using since last night. My drug of choice is cocaine. I am struggling and am looking for some guidance because I don’t know much longer I can fake it to make it…
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After so long, using will probably kill you. It is not worth it. It’s basically suicide at this point. Why do it?
You have had an incredible strategy and worked a great sobriety portfolio for 34 years!!! Lean into that strategy. The past year has been very rough, but it is in the past. The choice to stay clean is in this moment, this second, not the previous 38.8 million seconds since March of last year. Those have been awful. Feel them. Honor them. And let them go. This moment is awesome. This moment you get to choose.
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Hi KimAnn,
Now is the time to lean into your long history of sobriety and recall what worked for you to get peace of mind.
Did you work an NA program - are you still connected? Did you work with newcomers, or declare yourself a newcomer? Did you read or journal or work out? What worked before?
One thing we get with long term sobriety (I’m at 16 years and a few months now), is plenty of experience with the truth that feelings will not kill us, that feelings can be tolerated, that tomorrow always comes with its own promise. All things, good, bad and indifferent, pass and change with time. And that includes us.
Blows to our self confidence are dealt with, time and time again, by turning to our higher power for solace and guidance, and connecting back to the simple tools that we used in early days. Suit up. Show up. Listen and learn. Adapt yourself to the situations as they are.
I got sober on a message that many others have heard and heeded. “Everything is gonna be alright.” I didn’t know what that would look like, and my life was scary and out of control and I desperately wanted to know what was going to happen. But the message was just that - Everything is gonna be alright.
Right at this moment, right now, I’m listening to the song “Deep Peace”.
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you.
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you.
Deep peace to you.
Be still and know that the Higher Power simply is.
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Dansig,
Thank you for your beautiful words. I’m going to post that all over my house. My head, heart and soul are having a battle of wills and not playing nicely at all. It feels like a cascade. I KNOW tomorrow is a new day and I’m holding on to hope but fear is winning. Tomorrow is when we are supposed to find out if my husband is going to lose his leg. I’m trying to be in this moment but am struggling. My husband is in a hospital and I’m home. My head is running in nurse manager mode, my heart is breaking for my husband and us and our family, my soul is struggling to figure out why…if that makes sense.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thank you again for your beautifully inspiring words!
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Using won’t help matters. You have proven strength. Do not give in when your husband and family need you sober now more than ever. Praying for you. The devil is out here working, work harder. Positive vibes to you, your husband and your family.
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Thank you for reaching out to me. I appreciate the kind words and reminders. I can usually work through but there’s so much going on in addition that I am really struggling with. Keeping all the balls in the air from falling and have the energy, I know I can do it, and realize it’s time to reconnect.
Thank you!
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You are exactly correct and I needed that reminder. It’s time to reconnect. It’s been too long, way too long.
Your post really hit home with me. I decided to try and drink again after being sober for around 3600 days. I also went through a series of horrific events.
It was way harder to come back to recovery than I ever imagined it would be. It was easier to get and stay sober that time than it has been this time. It took 9 years for me to find my way back. Im lucky to be alive.
There isn’t anything that using cant make worse.
My thinking changed instantly. I alienated myself from recovery the moment i picked up again.
I’m glad your here seeking support.
All those horrific events faded away with time. My addictions didn’t. They continued to progress. They say you pick up right where you left off. I didn’t believe them. They were right.
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Thank you so much for sharing, it’s (for seriously lack of a better word at the moment) comforting to know there is someone like me out there…I’m not a,one….does that make sense? Anyway, I’m so happy to hear you made it back…
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It makes perfect sense! I was in relapse mode for almost as long as I was sober. Thats a scary thought!
It was really hard for me to appreciate recovery time after I let that much time go.
Im really proud of my 579 days I have now!
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I’m so glad that you googled whatever you googled and found talking sober. You see that you are not alone. You have so much that you are going through and so many good words here to keep you going through it sober. Big hugs to you as you go forward cocaine free.
One day at a time. Thinking about all of you during this hard time.
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I am with you on that, I have so many days to lose and I’m typically a competitive person. I’m so grateful to have found this site. I need to get it together for me, not for anyone else. Every sentence I’ve read deals with “I” and not…so & so.
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I hope your feeling better today! 
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Faking it until I make it. Going to a meeting tonight and I can’t tell you how long it’s been.
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Thanks for checking in. Hope you are having a great day.
Good morning Kim Ann, welcome to TS.
I read your post last night but didn’t respond right away because of the emotional weight you have invested in this.
I hope today that your higher power whatever that looks like for you is guiding you and helping you through all the tough moments.
I relapsed after some clean time and it took me 12 years to get back, I don’t want that for you. What you can not forget is that the whole time you have been clean your addict has been getting stronger. Our disease never rests, it is constantly growing inside us and something we will forever be battling as you are finding out now.
What I have been told by other members in recovery who have gone through huge emotional turmoil is when this happens you are once again a new comer. You have never been this person before… this clean person experiencing these huge emotions about your husband before, therefore you need to take your recovery back to day one and treat yourself like a newcomer. So whatever got you through those first few months when you cleaned up… that’s what you need to do now or something 2021 version. This forum is a great tool, stick with us, we’ve got your back.
I am sending you so much strength and love today.
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Nice! Im going to one too. Between COVID and my job its been a while for me too. I found out they are having meetings again and its tonight. I have the day off. Gonna recharge those recovery batteries.
Its the beginning of summer and AA always has campouts or other summer activities. The fireside meetings at campouts are powerful! Im hoping to get dialed in on that tonight.
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Sounds like the perfect plan.
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Thank you for your touching and inspirational words. I wanted to reach out to acknowledge you. I’m heading to hospital now and will reach out later. Have a blessed day.
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