I’m scared to death, aside from my physical illness I am going through so much hell with this big ego and character defects. All I want to do is go completely numb!!! I need AA I just hate admitting that. I’m shaking so bad and freaking out!!!
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What happened?
My ego and my lies, I abused the medication I was given and then I would numb out with the alcohol. It’s like I wanted to be sober but my ego was to big. Now all day I’ve been physically sick and shaking I just hate this!
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I’m begging for help right now, I’m done with the lying I’m done with the big ego I want to be sober I can’t do this anymore
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Hi @Ness, this sounds tough. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Best to try and calm yourself down. Take a long bath, listen to meditative music if that’s your thing, anything to get out of this hightened state, I’d say. The physical sickness will pass, as you know. And I personally find comfort in the fact that we can always learn from our experience, your life is richer even for this having happened, and you are granted another chance at sobriety. AA meeting as soon as physically possible, as you say yourself you need it, today if you can go at all. Write a lot here, it will help with feeling alone too. Sending you a hug.
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I’m tired honestly of hitting rock bottom I’m full of fear and anxiety
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What exactly happened? Where were you and what we your thoughts? So damn course to your 3 years? Had you been feeling a relapse was impending? Stopped going to AA? Do you have a toolbox? Write out here for others to read and learn from it, and you to feel that you’re part of sth. 
I understand that. If you’re tired, sleep. If you’re too anxious to sleep, put your mind to some better use and get out of the anxiety. Try hard.
Also, don’t forget this moment.
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I was in AA 3 years ago after 1 year I left and went back out. I stayed clean from opioids which made the 3 years but I was smoking pot and binge drinking I guess you can say I was a functional alcoholic. I said on here a while back that my doctors prescribed be marijuana and shrooms for my cancer which was true but I was already abusing weed long before that and was drink long before that as well. I’m a schizophrenic and with that disorder I have gained control but my head isn’t clear. I just can’t live with myself even though I do believe I love myself so much that I need to sober up.
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Can’t imagine what they must be like, with the schizophrenia and cancer. I am sorry you have to deal with these things.
I would say, start small, go back to AA first of all and make sure you get a sponsor and you stay. The recovery work you do there will help with the other drugs as well, I’m sure. It sounds like the sobriety from opioids while drinking and smoking pot isn’t very manageable and might be endangered by them too.
I would also talk to my doctor re if there are less addictive options available for me, if I was you.
I don’t know at all what it feels like to be on psych meds plus cancer medication. I don’t know if there is a normal in your case that physically isn’t horrible and mentally is present and pleasant enough for you to work for and stay sober for, I deeply hope so.
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Honestly I rather be in physical pain then the mental pain I feel right now
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Ness I would suggest for now to pray and meditate until your able to fall asleep. If you were sober for 2 or 3 years in A.A then you should get back into that work. You know that we need help from a power greater then ourselves. Self-reliance only got us so far. Pride and ego really comes from fear. It sounds like a sponsor would be a good idea for you. If your hanging out in your head and thinking about yourself every second remember that’s where our mental illness is so get out of there. You have to stop getting loaded off everything before you can start getting the work done though. Just come back to A.A and keep us updated
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Bless your heart. I’m so sorry you have so much going on at moment. I know it’s hard but please be kind to yourself treat yourself how you would treat a sick friend. Can you call up your old sponsor for help or anyone else that’s in aa? I’ve had to really swollow my pride this week and reach out for help I felt so ashamed but only another addict understands and they are all so happy to help . I’m saying a prayer for you my friend x
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You fucked up. You better remember this awful feeling to motivate yourself. It sucks now, but in the near future it will be a valuable lesson. I can’t imagine what it’s like living with bone cancer and schizophrenia, but that life is better lived sober than under the influence. I hope life treats you better in the future.
Good luck
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Day 2 the withdrawal is starting to kick in especially when I’m anxious. It’s like all of a sudden my only worry is getting that next drink and high. I want what I cant have but i need what I don’t want…which is sobriety
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Oh dear, @Ness I am also so sorry to hear of your troubles. When I responded to you on another thread I had no idea what you were going through. God Bless you. I do not know what to say. Others on here have given you some good advice like talking to your doctor or maybe getting a new one which may not be doable right now. Maybe someone at an AA meeting could also steer you in a better direction.
I’ve been using the Breathe app a lot the last few days for my depression. They have tons of guided meditations. There’s so many benefits from meditating like releasing oxytocin and serotonin. Actually I just learned that today. Meditating can be such a great benefit. 
I’m saying prayers for ya. Keep reaching out. I wish I could do more. Big hug 
your way. Hang in there. 
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