Going to have to check my local library for it. Iโm flat broke
My twenties were defined by my toxic relationships. I was trying on the world and wanted desperately to fit into what I believed were right moves: relationship, living together, marriage.
I was also an absolute nightmare. I was insecure, controlling, dependent and jealous. And I was like that with my romantic partners as well as my friends.
After the explosive end of one particular romantic relationship, after I finished despairing, I realized that I needed to change. I worked hard for the next few years at being less clingy and dependent, which was not easy.
I made a collage of the worst pictures of a problematic old boyfriend and posted it by my phone (yes, this is in the prehistoric days before cell phones). I also covered it with some of the worst things he had ever said to me. I โXโedโ out each day I didnโt call him on a calendar. If there had been a day counter app at that time, I would have been all over it.
Because while he was no Prince Charming, I was also a special bundle of hell. And all of it needed to be shut down.
I learned how to be more self suffient. I got a lot better at being a friend. And, over time, I became a lot more comfortable with my own company.
Lots of problems continued in my romantic life though because I decided that bars and one night stands were the perfect way to end my old clingy/ jealous girlfriend ways. And I was right. It did work โin a way โ but of course that led to other problems with alcohol, shutting down my emotions and putting myself in bad situations.
I can relate to so much of this post, thank you for sharing.