Today I am 4 years 1 month and 20 days into my sobriety and I uncovered things in my life that I didn’t realize I have been suppressing for close to 15 years.
So when I was in High school I dated a guy. We were together from the time we were 13 until the year we both turned 21. We went through everything together.
So in June of 2006 that same boyfriend and I were supposed to get married. Everything was planned. The week before he cheated on me.
Some of you know the year I turned 18 I lost my best friend to a drunk driver and that is basically what kicked my drinking into higher gear. That was before my boyfriend cheated.
There were things that happened in the year that followed that I suppressed.
Last night I found a thumb drive that my mom brought to me that she thought just had old pictures on it.
As I was looking at the stuff on there I started finding word documents dating back to 2003.
I found one written on the day my ex cheated on me. Messages going back and forth between him and I for over a year where he clearly was verbally abusive.
Copies of his public social media posts about me. One of which was about how I had turned into a alcoholic after losing my best friend and how now at 21 I would suck dick in the bathroom for a bottle or for crack.
With inappropriate pictures.
Comments from other people.
A lot of this stuff that I must have saved while drinking because that was a very drunk time in my life. But as I was sitting there looking through stuff I started remembering everything I went through. It was like a flash of memories. Literally things I forgot that happened. I honestly pushed that stuff so far down I don’t remember it at all.
I am now having to process it all. I talked to a friend, talked to Ben. Deleted everything because I don’t need it at all anymore. But today I am really struggling still. Like I am just feeling like shit.
I dealt with my past traumatic events when it came to my relationships and I’ve been happy with Ben no issues. That was until I went to stay with my sister and her fiance for a month when she had a new baby. After coming home I was in a bad head space. Now it just seems to be worse. Like I know Ben loves me and wouldn’t hurt me but I keep questioning him🥺
Anyway I don’t really know why I posted just needed to get this out because I needed to own my truth and let everyone know that even at over 4 years sober we have to deal with our trauma
I’m glad you posted Jess. Trauma can be very tricky to deal with especially when it rears it’s ugly head after many years of being suppressed. Or even when just forgotten about after awhile. It’s still there. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Talking people and especially talking to Ben. And I always feel putting it out here helps a lot too. Congratulations on your 4 plus years. It’s easy to say we don’t know that other person we use to be. Because that’s not you. But feelings and emotions come up and we still have to know how to deal with them properly.
Blessing to you my sober warrior and a prayer for peace.
Deal with the old shit, spread it, talk to Ben and keep talking to Ben. More hands make less work.
End of the day, that shit happened, it can’t unhappen. It doesn’t have to fuck up your today or tomorrow, you have the power to make your today as good as you can imagine it to be.
Yes, I was very ashamed of the person I was when I wrote the messages. That’s not the person I am today. I truly do not know that person anymore. That’s not the woman I worked so hard to become. That’s a girl I faught to leave behind.
This was trauma I didn’t remember I had, I think that was my biggest issues last night. I have so much I have already allowed myself to work through before and after getting sober. Now new things coming up kind of threw me off. I will work it out. That’s what I have to do because that’s who I am today.
I am a survivor, a strong willed woman who will no longer be held back by my past.
Yes! I made sure to not unload everything on him at once on poor Ben because it’s a lot to take it.
He has been so amazing dealing with my past. I don’t want to scare him away now:rofl:
He also has a lot going on. He is in the process of buying out part of his work so he’s super stressed about things too. Lol
You know me, I’m going to keep my head up and keep adding my days
I have been taking a course on parenting (in preparation for adoption) and one of the key insights is that our ability to be present with ourselves and with others, now, in helpful ways, depends on us knowing our story. It depends on us weaving something out of our past, tracing our path, telling that story, for ourselves.
It is not easy to face some of the things we discover when we begin digging. And we need to keep in mind that growth is about becoming something, growing, maturing; it isn’t about turning backwards. But we do need to know our story, our narrative, and that includes the dark, desperate, lost parts.
It sounds like you’ve found a part like that here. It is hard to face. It shakes you to your core. There’s a current of vulnerability here that’s probably connected to something that runs deep for you, and maybe also your experience growing up.
You have a deep and faithful soul. I see your pictures and your story with Ben, and with your life now. I think you know who you are; that is your growth and your path.
It is hard to accept things that are so… shameful, maybe? Lost. Misguided. But even so, they are part of your story; they are part of so many people’s stories here. Maybe there is some value in seeing a story of redemption, one that starts from a place of desperation.
Take care Jessi. You are and always have been a good person who deserves a safe, sober life where you respect your full self and you are respected by others.
Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing with us. That must be so hard to have something from your past hit you in the face out of nowhere and it makes me happy to hear you’re not allowing it to define who you are today.
I love that you recognize you’re strong willed. Recovery has made you who you are today and that’s not only strong, but beautiful inside and out. Ben is very supportive but he’s also one lucky guy to have such an amazing woman in his life.
In reality I am glad I found the stuff so I could work through it because I know it’s something that I needed to do. I knew there was a lot that I would eventually going to have to go through again. I honestly just processed losing my best friend this last year.
I knew there was a lot more to deal with eventually. I just wanted to do it on my own time.
I was not in the right head space after spending 3 weeks with my sister and her family. I was supposed to be there 4-6 weeks but actually came home early because being there was messing with my emotions and my well being so I left. She had the baby I stayed the first week and I came home because being there was causing me to think about smoking and drinking.
I’ve been extremely open about things in my sobriety on here. My old account had more of my life story on it I don’t know if you were around when that account was here. It’s not always easy to admit when one struggles but I promised myself that I hid my alcoholism for so long I wouldn’t do it with my sobriety.
