Trauma in recovery

So throughout my entire life I’ve endure every type of trauma. I’ve been beaten, raped, tortured, emotional tore to the ground. I thought (while drinking myself stupid everyday) that I had dealt with these things… I FOUND OUT TODAY I HAVEN’T AT ALL. One of my abusers contacted me today. I’ve had two anxiety attacks, I’m shaking, I haven’t been able to deal with any men at work today smh so where do I go from here is all I keep asking myself. I’ve went threw therapy, but was I actually listening ? I don’t know what to do with myself all I do Know is I’m scared all over again and he has the upper hand right now

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Our development, growth and healing is all deferred when we are in active addiction. What do you do now? Begin healing, begin growing and develop yourself. If therapy didn’t seem to help before, try it again now, now that you have the capacity to heal.

Wish you well.

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Thanks @Dejavu

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I’ve been through several phases of of therapy throughout my adult life. I could only absorb and work on issues so much. I’d take a break and then something would trigger me and I’d go back to therapy. So I don’t think it was because you didn’t listen. You can only do so much at a time.

Right now, work on staying sober and get whatever mental, physical, and spiritual supports you need at this place in your life.

One thing I know for sure - I would not allow my abuser have power over me by losing my sobriety.
Take care

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Awww hon, I really feel for you and second both responses above. I’ve been on this forum multiple times a day for the past month and your posts are always bubbly, upbeat and insightful. Please don’t let feel like this dickhead has the upper hand, you’re stronger than you know :muscle:

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Yeah I know. I’m completely out of character and not myself at all. This is really bothering me and I do feel like he has my power I guess the problem is how do I take it back :smirk:

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I dont know if this helps but theres a trauma and recovery meeting on In the Rooms today at 6:30.
I’m sorry you’re feeling all of this, that’s really hard.
It’s a lot of work to take your power back, but its definitely possible.

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Do you know how I took the power back, I prayed for my abusers, I prayed that they didn’t have to live a life of guilt and knowing that they were ill I prayed that they found peace and got better. Felt wrong and made me feel sick to the stomach but personally I had to find forgiveness bc my pain was only hurting me not them. I was never really into god but I definitely had help from a higher power to get me to this point in my life. In step 4 of the AA program I had to look at the part I played in my own rape, that was fucked up as well. I can’t tell you what to do in your situation but for me today is today and the abuse is now just an image in my brain, it can’t touch me, it’s in a box locked away and I threw away the key. My thoughts and prayers will be with you today. :hugs:

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I dealt with some of my trauma coming back to me about a week ago. I am still dealing with it but I have slowly been processing it.
I suggest getting in touch with your therapist again. As I feel that would be the most beneficial for you. I never went through therapy I am more of a deal with it on my own with my journal and friends kinda person. And I am doing that again.
It’s working for me.
When it doesn’t I will look into other outlets.

I did post on here not long ago about my trauma coming back though if you would like to read the comments from others🥰
You got this sweetie. I am always just a message away.

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Hi Hollz, first: I am sorry you are feeling this way. That is a terrible, terrifying feeling :cry:

Your fear has a place in you. It touches on a lot of painful history that you have, that runs through you like magma in the earth.

You are are earth. You have a balance and a rhythm with a place for balanced fear. At the moment you are not seeing it because you have given your power and your balance to the fear (instead of retaining it for yourself).

This fear can be tamed, and channeled, and managed. It no longer has to control you.

It may help to speak with someone trustworthy about this. There may be a group you can access? Or maybe a confidential employee wellness program (many companies have one, you call in to the help line, it’s anonymous).

Give yourself some space and time tonight, call or visit a friend you trust. Take care and be gentle and understanding with yourself.

“I am not my fear.
I am capable.
I am competent.
I may not know exactly what the next step is, but that does not mean I can’t handle this. I have the support and the resources I need; I will reach out and I will work through this.

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I would just say dont feed into his BS dont let him have the reaction that hes trying to get or response that he wants. Dont give him the power over your emotions you can control the way it ends this time. Notify the authorities for his threatening an intimidating behavior, this piece of :poop:deserves a taste of his own actions! Im aggravated by the type of person who hurts women and children they usually get whats coming when its they’re time to face the music. Be strong i know it must have you on edge but remember your a tougher woman and dont give him any power over what he thinks he can, to make you fearfull or scared.

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Well I went to the gym that I go to and worked the bag until I felt like I might collapse. Then I went and sat at my cousins grave and I just talked to her ( yes I’m aware she’s not there but it is my thing I guess ) I’m not scared any more… I’m pissed so I had to think of a way to say what I needed to say to him without giving him anymore power or falling back into that very violent behavior pattern that I used to be fond of at one point. and I did and I’m sure he felt less then an inch tall when I was done because I didn’t Curse I didn’t act a fool I just told him how sick I thought he was and how I refuse to bow to him or whatever it he was trying to do. I didn’t give him the reaction that he was waiting for because I AM CHANGING I’M NOT THE SAME PERSON HE KNEW AND THAT GAVE ME THE ADVANTAGE. I was raised to apply pressure not fold under it and I have never used that correctly until today and I’m sober, which I’m sure he was able to tell because drunk it would have been war. He didn’t get to win he brought up about still seeing my burn threw my tattoo (stalking my Facebook and pictures) and I told him I didn’t see anything but skin and ink I think that pissed him off more then anything he was proud of that scar it was like his own personal souvenir branded into my body and I didn’t give him the satisfaction of acknowledging it. I’ve changed because I’m sober but also because my friends here teach me to think smarter and wiser. To everyone here :smirk: I just wanted to say I’m human just like everyone else and I truly have had so many great days sober but that’s not reality to think everyday will be great and bad days won’t come. But my reactions to those bad days, Me staying sober in those days are all that truly matter and because of people I’ve met here I actually think before I react and I try to apply the things I’ve been taught to these situations and take the advice that’s given when I do reach out for help. But I’m not perfect and if all I shared on here was the great days then I would be a fraud. A fake. And people first coming on TS would become shattered once they had a bad day if they expected everyday to be sunshine and rainbows. So I share the good and bad because this is my familia and when no one understands me the people here in TS Always do!! And you are appreciated and amazing unique and intelligent people and I’m very proud to know that on those bad days like today was… when I don’t know where to turn or WHO to turn to I KNOW THIS IS WHERE TO TURN and I’ll always have the people that truly have my best interest at heart as well as theirs is to me right here :heart::muscle:

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  1. Today I’m sober
  2. Today I’m pretty
  3. Today I’m strong
  4. I was not built to be broken
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Yes!

You are beautiful, always. You are important, always. You matter, always.

You belong, always.

Take care Hollz

:innocent:

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Thank you @Matt ~ ALWAYS :heart::heart:

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You must feel amazing and relieved for taking back that power. So proud of you!!

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My first thought is not really thinking things through so much and get in a raged about situations like that but im learning too, how to use my rational thinking before i lose it, cause me to do something drastic, that could land me in doing a lengthy jail stay.

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A friend of mine beat a guy to death that raped his sister and did manslaughter almost 10 years said he didnt remember much, scary because thats the kind of blind rage ive gone into where it just is uncontrollable and you loose it completely.

You are working on it and that’s what matters. Focus anger buddy we are gonna be okay

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Thank you @Lisa07 … you are right it did feel amazing. I’ve been drinking away the pain and shame from what he did for so long not facing what happened. And not only did I reach out for help today, I faced it sober and I controlled my anger and became a better stronger smarter woman by doing so. The women here are so strong and I’m so blessed that I have you all because now I get taught how to be sober and do things a different way

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