Im so sorry for your loss Trav. Sending hugs and strength as you navigate this grief sober. Keep checking in for support and accountability. Part of flexing our sober muscles is navigating complex emotions sober…easier said than done but it is possible and lots of people here have navigated it.
Hugs
Thank you @Mno ill be alright bro I just got to feel this out.
@cjp thank you. Ill be ok, been here before.
I vent, I feel. Navigating the next few days will be tough but ill be ok. I want to stay sober and not go down either path but I need to feel them to put them to rest.
While we used together, he was always proud of me when I did a sober stint. When I was clean he only ever drank in front of me. Never used, never put in my face.
Its late 1am in fact. I need sleep. Tomorrow is another day to wake up to.
Appreciate you both for taking time and replying.
Hey Trav, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope you got some sleep last night despite everything and today is a better day. Stay strong through this. Try to remember that alcohol and using won’t make the situation any better or easier. Sending hugs to you during this difficult time.
Cancer does fucking suck.
Sorry for your loss, dude. Cancer sucks ass.
@RR160416 while today’s going to be difficult im going to hit the gym this morning. Indeed found sleep it was restful enough. Thank you.
@RaggedTrouseredPhil thank you brother!
Fuck cancer. Sending good, sober vibes your way! 
Up the wahs. Hope you’re going good bro
Massive 2 days in welly, being a tourist
Im good brother up the wahs!
The game at the new stadium looked epic
Man I wanna wait for some hype to die down then try and catch one. It looks awesome.
Glad your doing good Travis! 
Thank you brother 
been a long 2 days at the airport with hours to wait still but safer here than anywhere else
I was lucky enough to visit New Zealand back in 2011. Beautiful country and Wellington is a lovely city. I hope you had a good time!
Day 62!
Ive pushed past my last lapse. Definitely dont need the demon drink anymore.
Been a bit down and out, fatigued after my last trip up north. But ive rested up listening to my body has been needed. Back to the gym tomorrow cause thats also been a week off.
Starting to put the wheels in motion and look for work again. An income would be good, ive got a month to find something.
Other than that traveling ok at the moment barely think about drinking anymore which is good. Enjoying all the time I get with my wife now going back to work is going to suck for that reason.
Day 68
How many others wake up some days and just want to say fuck sobriety?
The last few days having been testing my will to continue this journey. Im ok im strong and dont really want to fall off but im stressed and disappointed in myself for a variety of reasons.
Had 2 interviews so far one in person and one record your answer one? Its weird i need to be able to read someone’s face when answering things as how to spin the answer the right way.
Thats 2 more than most people, I know how hard it is out here at the moment NZ is doing it rough.
Needing an income is helping me stay on track ill likely have to do a drug test pre employment depending on the situation.
I hope everyone is well and keeping on keeping on.
It definitely ain’t easy at times hey bro. Sometimes you do all the hard work and then think well what’s the point. The point for me is I don’t like a drug or alcohol controlling my emotions or dictating how I live. Questions like, do I have enough beer in the fridge for today because I really don’t want run out. Shit like that that controls you as a person. I know I’m not really missing out on anything and I’d rather face my problems and or issues with a sober attitude.
Yeah oaths bro always having to find some money for a drink or 2 to get through the day.
I feel you on that its much nicer not having to actively find a way to get fucked up. Ive never hurt or stolen from anyone to get what I needed. Thankful for that part.
I actively miss the chaos though.
Its taken me forever to feel worthy of what I have in life. Breaking that cycle of self sabotage.
One day at a time my bro
One day at a time. You are strong and can get through this uncertainty a sober, stronger man.
Keep fighting the good fight bro
Fuck sobriety?
Not now, I think I’ve found my sticky. It annoyed the living daylights out of me when I lost my streak. If truth be told, deep down I think I always had a relapse in me, it’s the way I’m wired. I don’t want the consequences of relapsing and that’s stronger than my desire to drink.
That’s rough for sure. Life can definitely kick us hard, even in sobriety, maybe especially in early sobriety when we are still raw and our emotions are new and how do we do life while feeling emotions can feel so hard. I wish sobriety changed circumstances, like jobs or health or natural disasters or watching loved ones die or…the list is endless. The thing is, at least for me, after being a drunk for so long, once I got sober after awhile it became a relief. One less thing I had to worry about or stuck in my aching head or friggin solve. It can take a good deal of time to feel centered in sobriety and to be able to feel antsy and whatever you feel without automatically wanting an ‘out’ or escape. You are doing really good, you are feeling it and naming it and moving thru it. Keep going. It does get better, we do heal.