Yeah definitely not planning on another 1.5y relapse any time soon.
Thank you for your kind words.
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Day 28
I was just having a think about my brother and his current situation.
He travels with a fair where he sells all sorts but mainly smoking utensils of the green kind.
For years now hes been on and off in active addiction although heāll never admit that. I had to ask if he was clean from meth currently as hes trying to find somewhere to park up for winter. He said no but not actively looking for it for now.
I was going to ask a friend of mine with a bit of land if they could help out but that no means a no from me because it comes with a lack of trust at that point. Its hard.
I know heāll likely end up in a trailer park or such and things will be accessible again. I hope he continues to look after himself,partner and dogs.
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Awesome!
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Congrats on 30 days! Amazing work!
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now and then.
Years ago I had my labret punched out and 6mm plug put inā¦.why because body mod and my endless need you be hapoy with my image.
well couple of weeks ago i decided to re stretch it.
Nearly there 2 more millimeters to go.
Anywho
Today is day 31, my journey is definitely mine.
Ive been here before, the way I chose to pursue sobriety might not be the same way you chose to each their own. The 2 years I had up i found that easy. This time thereās more to it. I have the tools from NA in my toolbox which get used.
I always know that if times get tough I can hit a meeting and find a seat.
If you are set on how do things and off me advice I pass on please donāt be offended.
I know I can get this done
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Day 38! Thoughts - its a long one.
So the director of the documentary im in/part of came past today, finalized everything for my filming out my final shots.
Quick catch up. ALTER EGO. the doco. Began as a book im in that too yet dont own a copy. It was a photography project of who you are at work and who you are in life. Back then I was a boucer/doorman. My me photograph was very rock/metal imaged. A director picked it up to make a doco and ended up picking me due to my biracial background and interests in body suspension, yes the one with the hooks.
Now we are caught up.
I think from first meeting to now its been about 10-15 years of my life thats been on and off documented. Urgh. There are parts in there when ive been deep in addiction even drinking on film. Im not looking forward to seeing any part of that im hoping the editor cuts them. Im sure what comes out will be great. I have a trailer but im not allowed to share it.
So these final shots will be at home on my family land. Its been 3 years since ive been home. I cannot wait to share some photos. I cannot wait to ground myself again and pay my respects to family that has passed.
This is the place I started my last sober journey. I will say thank you once again to my uncle for the gift I was givin that day and again for guiding me back to the light.
If youāve made it this far through my ramblings pat yourself on the back. And if you do come past here please feel free to tap in on the thread.
Even if you need a space to vent. Maybe Iāll have some southern hemisphere advice for you. Maybe a cheeky kiwi ism.
Much love
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Working out my last day.
This sucks, I really liked this job. For once I wasnāt the problem and I wasnāt the cause of losing my job or leaving.
Part of me getting sober again was so I could manage myself better and I did that.
Now im burdened with alot of stress and money issues to try sort out while not having work.
I made a decision yesterday to throw away 50 something days. What I wanted to do was stick to a number and stop. I didnt. Because I cant do that. I drove myself to get dinner I dont remember that at all. I only remember a few of the calls I made. Had some extreme hangxiety today. I blacked out some where thank fuck I was ok.
In the same vein I wanted to drink after the way I feel today im over it now I think. I need to be sober and thats all there is to it.
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Travis, your honesty after the fact might be able to motivate you before drinking next time.
My AA sponsor required me to call him every day. His reason was that he wanted me to get used to calling him so that I would call him before I drank. He did not want me to call him after I drank.
You are reminding me that anything, anything at all, that I allow to become more important in my life than my sobriety, will be lost to my alcoholism reactivating. I need to be able to assess all situations in my life through this lens āWell, at least Iām still sober. And staying sober is more important than this particular crisis at this particular minute.ā
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I know itās easy to beat ourselves up after a relapse. But you being honest and vulnerable says a lot. I am so sorry to hear about your job. The stress that comes with that I canāt even imagine. Alcohol isnāt going to help your stress, anxiety or your bank account.
As hard as it may be right now, be kind to yourself today. Dust yourself off and get right back up. You know you can do it and you have all our support. 
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My last relapse was similar. Started out innocent, my when to say when button doesnt work, i black out, drink and drive, and take huge risks.
Even though I was dissapointed in myself it helped me understand that its the first drink. Thats the one that gets me.
It also taught me about how even the slightest reservation about drinking will get you drunk.
Im glad your still here with us!
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Iām so glad you came back here right away. Stay close. Iām sorry about your job, Iāll be sending well-wishes your way. Stay sober no matter what. Most of us have been fooled by the siren-song of moderationā¦like a wise fisherman says, Itās a trap!
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Thank you @SinceIAwoke @RR160416 @JasonFisher and @Amelie
Im ok. Will be.
Theres a real nasty part that comes with this. No i have to deal with the mess that is my head.
Bipolar and borderline personality disorder coupled with alcohol always makes things a million times worse. Ill be ok though just got to get through this struggle refocus my sobriety and find another job.
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You have everyoneās support , life is not easy , my addiction demon doesnāt know the word moderation.
Weāve all been in this position, you just need to learn and reflect on it so you can jump straight back on the sober train as @JasonFisher said that first drink ā¦ITS A TRAP
I also fell for that trap 12 days ago ā maybe I can just have one ! ā and that turned into far too many drinks , a bag of cocaine and at-least 5 days of hangxiety and shame. We just canāt pick up that first drink and thatās ok , youāre not alone in this .
You have everyoneās support , weāre all here for you cheering each other on 
I hope you feel better soon , hang in ther x
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Definitely not my first rodeo. Thank you heaps. Urgh the hangxiety was real today. I checked in with everyone that I spoke to and I still have my friends so thats good.
I just have to fight it out now till im rebalanced.
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2 metric fuck tonnes to deal with tomorrow. Since I dont have anywhere to be and thanks to my neighbor my parking bay is going to look nice once im done.
At least its something to keep me busy for a few hours ill throw the headphones on and get it done.
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Hey @2JTravNZ , sorry to hear about your job loss and relapse. The things you lewrn during the previous month are not lost.
The pile of stones to work through could be a blessing. A single task to focus on, time to reflect. I have relapsed on my poison too many times, that first few days are so fragile. But one day at a time helps.
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I like having a space on here that I can come and vent download my day or life events.
Day 1 done. Having some manual labor to do today made things alot easier I had no time to wallow in my current issues and bad head space.
Thank you again so much to everyone whoās taken time to read and reply either here or anywhere else. You are the ones that keep me honest and coming back.
I did myself an absolute mischief. But I have an odd way of doing things. Im very all or nothing. This goes with drugs and drinking too. I made the decision to drink. I didnt have to but I did. I also made the decision that is if I was going to drink id have to push the boat out far enough that I was going to make sure I was sick and to feel as bad as possible the next day. Strange you may think but this is how my brain works.
Has it worked? I cant give you that answer. Do I want to stay sober? Fuck yes I do! I wouldnāt be back if I didnt want to be. 2 days of not eating was enough, sweating it out for 2 days and the unbearable hangxiety was way to much.
Ill be here. With you guys where its safe.
Onward and upward.
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Stay close @2JTravNZ dont let life derail your happiness. Earlier in the thread when you had 30 days your energy was bright and you had happiness at home. You can harness that energy again. Just for todayā¦dont use
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This is true, ill be ok. Ill stick around thats the thing about having a place not only filled with positive encouragement but accountability.
I can come back here let go of my shame and move forward.
I like the happy me. I dont like being thrown curve balls that send my bipolar and bpd into high gear cause once those thoughts activate thereās no telling me other wise. But this can also work the other way for me too. Want to be sober and stay sober.
Sometimes its hard to explain how my minds works. Same addictive tendencies couple it with hyper mania. And all hell letās loose. Its why I push myself certain points.
All I know is im welcome here. People care and I want to be sober.
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