Yeah, part of active addiction… I used to wonder what people had learnt when they relapsed,cos I always heard ’ I’ve learnt such and such…’…
(I never learnt anything cos I only used to be able to stay clean a few weeks here and there over the years)!!! That’s being totally honest.
Serial relapser myself, and I did 8 months sober through meetings and sponsor and absolutely surrendering to my addiction,…
, I relapsed,and blimey I definitely learnt in hindsight where my recovery was going wrong and for quite a while before picking up…!!..I’m day 10 clean again
Ye I see all the comments that say it’s intentional, and yes agreed ,picking up is definitely intentional,
BUT, as I have never experienced a recovery quite like the one I am having: I tried to understand what a relapse is before picking up…now, I would say I was having a ‘relapse’ after 6 months, and for the next 2 months I was getting stressed, I wasn’t doing daily practises, I was prioritizing many things over my sobriety, I was failing miserably at something and I couldn’t ‘see’ how I was failing,(I can understand ‘white knuckling’ now),
now,That part, the 2 months of white knuckling’, I don’t fully believe to be ‘intentional’, (and subconsciously does not count as intentional!) As of what I experienced it was a downward spiral that got quicker and quicker that I couldn’t 'see how to get out of,and I am intentionally not going to go back to that state of mind.
Because if you don’t understand it then you can’t see it, until you learn from it.
Today I ‘intentionally’ stop my head from running away with the past and future, stop myself from raising my voice and getting stressed.
If I may ask so question dear @Hazy and please just ignore me if too personal. After the six months of being dry what is it that got you started again. Was is a “trigger”, stress?
I’ve never actually relapsed as such, I had a dry spell in the hope of resetting my relationship with alcohol. It was fine for a while and life was amazing, unfortuntalely as there were stressors (life will always be messy) it’s just the degree of it that differs and my level of drinking got back to where it was before.
I really want my quit to work for me this time and knowing how to keep “white knuckling” it I think will help myself and others.
Older members please if you have any input, we would be more than grateful.
I think @Hazy put it quite well : “I was prioritizing many things over my sobriety”.
My story includes 18 years of mostly self-powered efforts to control or mitigate the consequences of my drinking. My first foray into sobriety is a classic example of those attempts. I went to AA meetings and stayed dry for 30 days or so. When my ex-wife would not take me back into the house after that time, I returned to drinking.
I know now that in those 18 years, I was never rid of the inkling in the back of my mind (often the idea was stronger than that) that I would one day return to drinking. I may have termed the event as a “relapse”, but there never really was a state of recovery for me. After a while, I learned the label “chronic relapser” and applied it to myself. That was a convenient excuse for me to avoid responsibility for my actions.
Today I describe myself as a recovered alcoholic. If I do return to drinking now, it will be a return to a disease state. I have enjoyed a sober healthy life for 16 years 9 months and 5 days.
Alcoholism gets compared often to diabetes. My brother is an insulin dependent diabetic who has had a below the knee amputation due to his disease. If he stops taking his insulin or fails to exercise or goes off his diet protocol, is that a relapse or a choice? Whether his problem and mine are diseases of the body or not, the keys to managing it and to recovery are in our minds as a decision and in our actions.
I didn’t stop drinking until I was done. Today, there is nothing in a drink for me. Today, I try to grow my sobriety because it feels so good and so right.
I basically stopped doing meetings, delayed speaking with my sponsor,(she was quite busy herself with a performance etc) I am studying so the studying got more and more, the stress levels got higher,5 kittens came along in August and I brought them up for 8 weeks, whilst studying,(very hard work cleaning up crap all day!)… My eldest daughters mood swings got to me,I was also painting a summer house for my eldest to move into, stressing about money to get things fixed up for it, electric cost a lot to get fixed in) fixed the floor myself,(I’m a girl and have never done stuff like that but I did and nobody was there to say well done) (resentment),… Then my fridge freezer broke before Christmas, my car had to be serviced, and then I had a cash flow problem to get presents for my children (x3)… still no fridge freezer so the turkey and food was in the summer house for Christmas… Thinking about the future too much thinking about the negative too much…all too much… I needed to give myself a break on a daily basis,but I didn’t. I stayed in stress mode for 2 months.
Besides all that shit, if I had just taken it a day at a time and shared my struggles (at the time) then it all wouldn’t of built up into a complete mess in my head where I just didn’t know how to come out of it. I was in a hole in a way… without even picking up…it was awful.
The ‘people, places and things’ did not cause me to pick up, but I made a huge mess of it all in my head…
One day at a time
Edit,:aswell as the kittens my other cat got an abscess in his face from a fight, the queen got bad wind after the kittens, then the cat with abscess came in one day and I thought he’d broken his leg, then the queen had to be spayed, so that was x4 vet trips (x1 I had to call the RSPCA to assist with paying) .
Life on lifes terms!!
There is one big problem with that in my opinion.
Sure relapses are learnt from. And for some people a big relapse did contribute to their motivation, hence their recovery.
However, if you tell addicts that relapses are part of recovery, especially ones in early recovery, they will abuse that knowledge to their advantage and there will be a voice telling them they can relapse because it’s part of recovery.
And not every relapse contributes to recovery. I relapse constantly. I learn from all of them. I say fuck you to all the knowledge I’ve acquired and relapse again. In the end there are only a few people who actually use the knowledge that they’ve obtained from relapse.
Hence, why in my opinion, relapse isn’t part of recovery.
Yes @anon57836609 !!. Love that. Well put.
My concept for the last post was that some sports people never get injured, and some do, depending on life terms. …
(Just wanted to start a conversation to be honest)
“Relapse is not a part of Recovery. It’s a part of Addiction.”
has bothered me too.
Because these statements come off as absolute truths. And one thing I learned from TS, is that there are many different methods to the same problem. And what works for one person will not work for everyone.
I still want to validate those that embrace that mantra. I can see why it can be helpful for them.
Injuries are generally outside the control of the athlete. Sure there are mitigations that can reduce the chances, but it is still left to luck. Relapses are 100% within control of the addict. Relapses are not just the risk people take when enter recovery as injuries are for sports. Relapses are what happen when people stop playing the game.
I’m going to agree with you there. Addiction slowly robs an individual of his/her agency. Eventually, using is not your choice. It’s something you do. Breaking that cycle is difficult.
It’s butch’s birthday today, would you guys post on ‘motivation and meditation posts’ ?..he’s a solid patron like you guys are too. He doesn’t appear around that much tho… just on his thread.
. This relapse thing is a good crowd puller. Thanks for being here bud’s 