You said what I was thinking. Thank you for that. I wish I could like this post a thousand times.
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Iād like to be able to give them the benefit of the doubt and consider that they are merely venting. But yeah. As I said in a post recently, I call this kind a seagull - swoop in, drop a load of crap, fly off. In AA meetings, this type often arrives late or leaves early or both.
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Time for another little vent.
The holidays bring up lots of excuses to return to drinking. Iāve seen on the forum lately relapses attributed to death of a relative, exposure to alcohol by family, stress, and some posts where sobriety is tied to getting an ex back or other relationship.
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 98
Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job ā wife or no wife āwe simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone.
What is the kind way of telling folks that they are putting conditions on their sobriety on their own, that things arenāt randomly happening to them? Around here, we donāt sugar coat it too much. The questions are āAre you done yet?ā and āHowās that working for ya?ā. And the mantra that I heard is we donāt drink. No. Matter. What.
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I think a kind way of telling people, is through the reinforcement of personal agency.
Things do randomly happen to all of us, but the decision to drink isnāt one of them. Thatās one of the few things we do have control over. Sure itās tough to walk through the different āreasons to drinkā sober, but if you really want recovery youāll stay sober and find new/healthier coping skills to get you through. Even if that means asking for and receiving help to do so.
I look at it from an empowerment standpoint. I donāt have to let external conditions dictate my responses. Iām not a complete victim of circumstance and I still have personal agency. No matter what is going on, I can still control my reactions to whatever is happening. I can still control my decision to not drink. I canāt and I donāt want to give that power away to anyone or anything.
If I surrender my power of choice to situations outside of me, and if my recovery is contingent upon all of the external conditions in my life lining up in a perfect mannerā¦ Iām fucked. But I donāt have to do that.
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Since I joined back up I know when to come around and read the threads and when to only check on certain ones. The holidays are times I only stay away from the one where people like to say things like, my family/friends drinks so drank, I was stressed, I was alone for Christmas, I miss insert someone, so on and so on.
I donāt do well with that kind of thing when people are looking for others to tell them that itās ok that they drank. Iām not one to sugar coat things. I tend to tell them they are lucky this time that they were able to stop and not die before they did. How not everyone is so lucky.
Then usually tell them they need to work on their sobriety because itās not working. They need to do more to stay sober then just not use their drug of choice.
It used to work out. These days people like their hand held and like everyone to feel sorry for them. The world seems to have gone soft. Like to the extreme so Iāve basically just given up because I got tired of looking like a bitch to everyone. I had comments reported for being mean a few times. 
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This replies to @SoberHappyJessi, too. I think we are all saying that every day we make the decision to not drink, then take action to put that decision into action. Iāll have to consider for a while how to respond to those looking for validation and justification for returning to drinking .
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True nuff. It took me a really long time and reaching a profound emotional bottom before I really saw for myself how all the stories and warnings were true of me. That I wasnāt different. That I was inches away from falling off a cliff I may never climb back up.
So thanks to everyone here who keeps sharing their experience for the sake of sharing, even if it might not be heard. Because sometimes it is.
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As of December 25, 2020 Christmas day, I have been aware of my secret struggle with alcohol is not much of a secret. Alot of people are aware of my issue. So I am here wondering, if family and friends saw this and knew I was drinking alot, why did no one say a thing? Its on me obviously. My choice, my problem. I can see maybe friends not wanting to bring it up but my parents and sisters. Im shocked. I confined in my older sister a few months ago, she acted like yeah girl we know. My niece I heard say to my nephew who got me Bourbon for Christmas said you know she drinks wine. She gets drunk all the time. That was shocking and hurtful but I kinda need to hear that stuff. So if they knew why did no one say anything? Again I know this is me and I know it is no one elseās problem. I just realized my secret is not a secret. Everyone knows but no one confronted me or said they are worried. That just was surprising.
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How do You think you would have reacted if they had said something??
Like you said, it was your secret. We think we are sooooooo good at keeping our secrets. But like they say āsecrets keep us sickā.
Just because people close to us can see that we have a problem that doesnāt mean they know how to fix it. Thatās just it, they donāt know how to fix it.
And most times those close to us do not have an idea of the depth of a problems. Especially if they themselves are non alcoholic. Itās just not possible for them to understand. Because for them it is as simple as ādonāt drinkā. Or ājust have a drink or 2ā.
It doesnāt mean they donāt/didnāt care. Just that they donāt understand
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in a damn nutshell
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This has come up a lot in my time being sober-Iāve struggled with the idea of my boyfriend and family not saying anything. Only when I fell sick due to drinking did I have to come clean. When we are in active addiction, hiding what we do from the ones we love, we are always on the defensive. I know if anyone said anything to me I would have thrown a f i t. Only YOU can get yourself clean and sober and until you want to, nobody and I mean absolutely no one pointing it out while youāre in a vulnerable state will get you there.
You also have to take into account, people who arenāt alcoholics arenāt looking for empty bottles and what you are hiding. People who arenāt alcoholics donāt get the alcoholic brain so pardon your family for not understanding. Doesnāt mean they donāt care, their mind is just not wired the same way.
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This. My bf who I live with and have been with for many years did not ānoticeā the vodka bottle in the freezer changed daily, or the clanking noises coming from my dresserā¦ My mother to this day doesnāt acknowledge my milestones or that I call myself a dry alcoholic, my father has never spoken to me about it. They all love me, no doubt. People have their own reasons to not want to see the problem. They canāt help and canāt bear to see us suffer. They would feel too guilty. Whatever their reasons might be, I think you are misplacing your anger. You are drinking for your reasons and as you rightly say, itās on you to sort yourself out. If your family is there for you during your recovery, you can count yourself very lucky.
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If it matters that they say something to you, why ask us why they didnāt? Why not ask them?
Whatās past is past doesnāt really matter. Maybe they didnāt know the significance, maybe they did and were uncomfortable.
Either way, if youāre willing to hear it now, itās good insurance for the future for them to know now that if they notice any drinking, youāre working on sobriety and appreciate their watching out. Though as you say, itās ultimately on us.
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I read your comments and was almost reflexively said not even if the stars fall on Alabama! Funny how those things sink in from sitting on that hard metal chair all those weeks (how I miss those chairs). It has taken some time to appreciate the simplicity of the Living Sober book and how much I needed that at the outset because I was too too mocused to understand anything more complicated. I think that chapter outlines what you are really trying to say ā alcoholism is for us unconditional, with no dispensations available at any price.
I think sometimes we want to start with the conclusion that our experience has taught us so we can spare the suffering of another alcoholic, because we know we are right (and we drunks love being right), and because we drunks hate the process ā we want the result now. If we just could reach out and shake them and make them understandā¦
The thing is that the journey is where the strength of our sobriety is derived. Not from Billās story, not from taking the third step in Dr. Bobās spare bedroom, and not because we checked off each of the steps in our handy dandy work book. It is from feeling like we are going to die right now if we donāt get a drink and getting through it. It is having to face a judge to pay for the (literal) wreckage of the past, and getting through it. For me that is why the big book tells us in working with others to focus on our own experiences, cooperate; never criticize. When we start down the road of telling them there can be no ifs on sobriety from a position of authority ā we often cross the line into criticizing.
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Really I donāt know what I would have done. I imagine Iād be ashamed, embarrassed and maybe mad. I have talked with my kids and hubby. They know but I always bring it up. I will say, I have noticed a trend. 1st smoking, 2nd food now 3rd alcohol. What canāt I have an addiction to working out or gardening. Something artsy IDK anything other then things that can and will kill you if you donāt start. I wish someone would have said something. Again this is a me thing, I know that.
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I think those that love us think that by not discussing what we were like in active addiction, it will help us move forward.
My wife only mentions it, when I bring it up. Just the other day, I said āthe world.has gone mad. Iām glad Iām sober to deal with it.ā She said āme too.ā
Sober has become part of who I am. I wonāt drink, because I donāt drink. I am a non-drinker. Since it just is, not much to discuss, I guess.
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The less I think the easier sobriety is. In early sobriety I would constantly psychoanalyze every little thing I did in addiction or what I could have done differently. This process seeped in to all areas of my life. Now I just accept things (probably for the first time in my life) as they are. Saying the serenity prayer is easy. Iāve found that living it is far harder.
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You ever read the Tao Te Ching?
Thanks for your post Derek. It took my mind here:
Peace is the result of processing life as it is, rather than how you think it should be (or should have been). ~ Dr Wayne Dyer.
This quote has been, is and likely forever will be, my mantra. We cannot change the past, but we can learn from it. Accept what IS, in this moment, then move forward with courage and determination to do and be better.
I also like to hear the Frozen song: Let It Go, lol. This wonderful song is a helpful reminder, too. Whatās done is done. Donāt waste too many thoughts and brainpower overthinking and analysing, just move forward knowing what you do now is what matters, and just try your best. Thatās all any of us can actually do.
Oh, and I SO agree - knowing this and living it are two very different things. Serenity is haaard, but worth the effort.
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I had a similar experience, in that much of my early sobriety mental energy was focused on sobriety. Was it the fact that I had a void that I tried to fill with alcohol that demanded my thoughts? Did it get easier once I began filling it in a healthy manner? Or did it just get easier the more I did it, as so many other endeavors do?
All that matters today is I wonāt drink, because I donāt drink. I am a non-drinker.
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