Recovery is something you have to work on every single day, your recovery doesn’t get a “day off”. It’s an ongoing process. The pain you feel today can be the strength you feel tomorrow. You are worth it. Recovery is a decision you make, but you gotta make that decision each and every day. When everything feels like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top. You deserve to be sober and happy. But it’s on you to be it, no one else.
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Tough love works great for me
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Recovery from addiction takes place along several vectors. Changing the cycle of cognition, emotion and behavior happens in the conscious intellect, the subconscious mind, and the body. There is also the poorly understood but well documented role of spiritual healing.
Tough love, as I understand it, is presenting the truth to the addict and holding them to account for processing that into their life. And part of the presentation is to use language and concepts that the addict can grasp.
The power of denial and broken brains and pride / fear to reject the truth is astonishing. For me, the spiritual experience had to come before I could surrender and drop the shield of denial and weapons of justification that I used to protect my drinking. And the tough love that followed, usually from old timers in AA, was not always well received by me, but I do think I heard most of it.
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In someways I think that’s true. I know I never succeeded in anything in my life by being pushed, I needed encouragement instead.
However, I feel this thread is about getting rid of the bullshit and being honest. I’m thinking about 2 phrases I heard often on this forum. The first, and probably most frequent one is “relapse is a part of recovery”. Bullshit. Yes, many people relapse during their journey (I most CERTAINLY did) but the truth is it was because “I still had some drinking to do”. Truth.
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Seems pretty general. I think it is about knowing the person and the proper approach. You can be tough in many different ways. Communication is always about knowing the audience.
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Thanks for the post…the tough love thing is tricky for me. I’ve talked a few times on here about how getting sober was partially about loving/respecting myself enough to choose more than total obliteration and death. And early during sobriety and even now, learning to love myself is part of what makes life manageable again. That being said…I love the tough love thread…and the advise on here is always spot on. While I did have to “love myself” a huge freakin part of that was loving myself enough to never let myself off the hook. The “relapse is a part of recovery” or “don’t beat myself up about it” ideas would never have flied with me. My addict brain would have taken that and ran with it right back into oblivion. I think when it comes down to it…when people are ready to hear the truth…they’ll hear it any way it comes. But if they’re not ready to hear it…they’re not going to, no matter how kind OR blunt it is. So all we can do is keep speaking our own truth and anyone who wants to hear it can.
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I feel the same way. Although now, some tough love or truth is good, when I was really at my worst, I needed care and encouragement. I remember listening to a sobriety video and the person was saying “you are worth something, you are lovable” and I was just in tears, I really needed to hear things like that to fill my cup enough to be able to make some changes.
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Asking for help is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of intelligence. Recently had an experience at work with an employee that was not sobriety related per se. But in the end the guy was in over his head with work, and despite my numerous offers to help, he continued to insist that everything was fine. Obviously I knew that it wasn’t but there was nothing I could do unless he was willing to accept help. In the end I had to fire him when I found out he was committing fraud. This all could have avoided if he asked for help but his pride got in the way. Not only did he lose his job, but it damaged my program as a whole.
Your addiction is your problem alone, but don’t think for one second that your decisions don’t harm others. Ask for help while you are still able to do so.
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It’s taken my entire life to realize actual quicksand isn’t as common as cartoons make it out to be. #allegory
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Well said 
I respect, resonate and can relate to this, I feel it’s very cognizant and apt. I’ve always appreciated the Truth and Tough Love threads, helped me to stay sober. Like with everything I see/read on this forum (and everywhere else, too), I take what I find useful and/or helpful and I leave the rest. At the time, tough love I receive may not feel good, but I think it helps, it all does. I’m open to learning and doing anything that helps not only keep me sober, but live a joyful and peaceful life. 
Sober life really does = our best life.
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Amen.
Speak your truth, what has worked for you, and hope they get it. Other people “getting it” or staying sober isn’t my concern, I can lend a hand, it’s part of what has kept me sober, but it’s not my obligation.
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Damn, that strikes home. I do that quite often, or I don’t even send a reply, because I don’t think my reply will be good enough. Thanks to you, I already knew I had lots of fear, but I didn’t do anything about it… maybe I should.
Absolutely, I know there’s churches working the 12 steps.
Hi! To find out what I can do, say @discobot display help.
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I like this. Here’s my humble take… Just because tough love works on one person, it does not guarantee that it will work on another.
I completely shut down with tough love. Likely because I’ve been physically, sexually, and emotionally abused from the age of 7. To me it’s terrifying, counterproductive, and extremely triggering. Especially when it comes from men. Because you did well with it does not give you a degree in psychology, and it’s incredibly irresponsible to assume that one size fits all.
Some people frown on sensitivity, but some people desperately need it. It doesn’t make us pussies. I literally have dementia from the brain damage cause by my ex-husband’s abuse. So in the nicest way possible, don’t fucking tough “love” me. 
#thanksforattendingmytedtalk
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Your message is so very crucial and I am so glad you shared. Thank you!
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The title of this thread pretty clearly implies that tough love will be found here. Yet people with an aversion to tough love always seem to find their way here, and then are surprised to find tough love.
I now realize why we need labels on bleach bottles warning us not to drink it 
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