There’s one person in this world who I value and look up to it’s my bf of 3 years we broke up 3 months ago because my drinking and actions got out of hand. We ended up reconnecting and getting to an agreement that we were going to work on things. Things have been great between us. But he holds resentment towards me. I’ve tried to ask him to go to alanon and I’ve given him pamphlets and I’ve done more than apologize to show him how utterly sorry I am for everything I’ve done. The 2 months after we broke up we’re the worst weeks of my life. My self destructive habits and drinking were at an all time high and I genuinely wanted nothing more than to take it all back I hated myself so much. And then when he said he wanted to make it work I was so happy. I started going to AA as another way to improve my life and to show him I really want to change the way I am. He’s been distant the past week and then tonight told me he needs time to think and that he doesn’t want to see me or talk to me really. I know he’s doing this because his resentment towards me is still there. When I say I’ve done some god awful things while drinking to him during my relationship I mean it. And he knows I’m sorry he’s just not over it yet. I’m sick in the head and I hate myself for thinking everything was going to be fine between us. I’ve only been spending time with girls that respect my wishes to stay sober and I see my sponsor and I go to meetings I know that not drinking has already in 17 days improved my life but this about of heartache and pain and anxiety is something that I’ve felt with before and i was so suicidal and so drunk through it all. I’m so scared that I’ll just say fuck the world and fuck my life and go pick up a bottle. I don’t want to throw away all I’ve done so far. All I’ve wanted for the past 2 years was to get sober and stay sober and it’s so fucking hard. Drinking numbs and dulls down my pain and heartache and i don’t know if I can take this again especially sober. I hate the fact that I became dependent on booze to feel sane. I’m so scared I don’t know if I will be able to make it out of this. insomnia has been taking over since I stopped drinking to melatonin won’t even work. I’m trying to pray I just don’t know if I can do it I don’t want to throw away my progress I know once I pick up the bottle I will just hate myself more because I failed yet another thing in my life. I fucking hate being an alcoholic so much
You have to go through this for you @Clementine, not for the chance you may get back with your boyfriend - otherwise the peaks and troughs of your relationships will always direct your behaviour.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life running to get drunk every time a bomb goes off in your head?
Another thing that’s working against you is where you are in your sobriety - the worst of the physical side of your recovery is hopefully over, but the mental side has kicked in, filling you with self-doubt, anxiety, heightened fears, all of which direct you straight back to the bottle, yet if you can push through this next stage of your recovery they’ll subside!
To get by in life you need to be able to live confidently as a single person and to be mentally strong. You can achieve both of these by pushing through this hell that you’re feeling now.
Or drink and repeat, drink and repeat, drin…
️ EVERYTHING @Charlesfreck said!! …also, never get sober for someone else,because your sobriety will always depend on them and what they do.
First, I can tell by your post you are arguing with the addiction side of your brain. SHUT IT DOWN! Your not drinking, that’s not even an option…
Second, feelings are instinctually driven for an reaction. Your primordial side of your brain, which doesn’t use logic or rational to confront a problem is telling you that your uncomfortable. It’s first advice to you is to drink. That’s how the rational side of the brain (you) have dealt in the past with heartache. (New patterns create change)
Third, what you want and what you need are separate things. You need to break down each feeling for what it really is… don’t loathe in the heartache, it gives the addictive side of the brain power. Don’t do that.
Stay on the path you mapped out! On a journey you will have to stop and get gas, might need a rest, you may have a flat tire, you may make a wrong turn and turn around to find the right way. Prepare for these setbacks.
Don’t look for acceptance from anyone else, you only need to accept yourself. You are strong enough for yourself. Plus, I know I can trust myself 100% all the time. Many can tell you by looking for a crutch to hold you up. Especially in broken relationship is the first sign of a lapse.
Stay strong we are here for you.
My advice,read and read again the previous replies. You are in a low place,they are giving you sound advice,only you can do something with it. If you destroy your life,it doesn’t matter if you have him in it, because you have chosen not to fight. If you care for him as much as you say, then how can you expect him to stay and observe you doing this to yourself. The ball is in your court,you are the player. He is the spectator,are you going to make it worth his while to stay and watch or give him a reason to leave. Lastly,he has been hurt,don’t fool yourself that all will be forgiven in short order,this is one of the main things I’m learning. Hope all takes a bright turn for you.