I guess my latest efforts weren’t really all that important to me. Needed a wakeup call.
Was about 2 weeks sober and then our anniversary came around. 25 years. Friends had send a very nice bottle of champagne - they didn’t know it wasn’t the best idea. Slipped. Then started to watch it roll downhill and start to snowball. Was “just” picking up a nice 4 pack of a local IPA on many - but not all days - but no matter… I didn’t see it trending well. But also wasn’t interested in stopping once more. I was pretty much hiding it from my family. Hey, dummy… that should tell you something.
Yesterday I went out the outside cooler where I had three cans left and found a note from my wife.
She prompts a good question… I think it’s general shame that was driving the secrecy. And she’s right… She’s too sharp. Why I think I am smarter than everybody is beyond me.
Dry last night and feel committed this time. I think.
I meant your shame is hard. I find that it feeds a spiral.
You don’t need to be ashamed. You get to be human and you don’t have to be perfect all the time.
I don’t know exactly what to say. I feel it too. But I think sobriety is on the other side of shame
When you don’t have all that hanging over you it’s so nice. I’m looking forward to not even having to think about these things as I travel along this journey.
I agree. There’s a lot more “please know I’m aware you’re struggling and I’m here” in this gesture than anything else.
I didn’t realize until I got sober how everyone around me knew exactly what was happening. I later learned many were worried but didn’t know how to help, so they remained silent.
One did go so far as to send me a gift of the booze I thought I hid from them. No judgment, just the gift. It was one of many wake up calls.
And how can I blame them? Nothing says more clearly “I don’t want your help” than actively trying to hide it. How much that must have hurt for them.