Hi all,
Ive been messing around with this idea of soberity, relapse, AA living, etc. And its not been going well. Im not a daily drinker, never have been i can stop eventually, but its staying stopped. Once i take that first sip all bets are off. Longest soberity ive had in the last year is 30 odd days. Then id tell myself well as long as youre not drink driving thats not bad. Anyway im on my 2nd day of soberity after a 2 day bender, called into work sick for 2 days. Im not going to go into the ins and outs of the bender as im here to get sober, but im based in the UK and our temperatures have plummeted. I spent Wednesday nights having left a pub at 11pm after last orders on the streets at a bus stop. My phone had died so i couldnt call a taxi home and though my mum lived near by i didnt want to disappointed and hurt her with my drinking. So spend 8 hours in around -6 deg celsius waiting for the first bus to take me home at 630am. Anyway, I go silent on texts during a bender so that morning my mother came round worried out of her mind, to find me in a state. Not too bad, because it was 0830 and id not had a drink since 11pm the night before. But hungover and in a mess physically from spending the night in the cold. I have a son who i see regularly and am a good dad too, but i risked dieing of cold exposure for a drink and him losing his dad. Ive made it to work today, though im full of self hatred and misery. Im hoping all is ok, i work at different sites so dont see the boss and people alot. I did my online aa meeting i do every thursday and the group has supported me. I read the 12 steps in the meeting, read the big book and shared. It has helped a tad. I just feel so guilty on my son, my parents, my employer and society in general. I have spoken to my sponsor and weve agreed, no messing round now. For the next 2 weeks im going to do meetings everyday - as many in person ones as i can, but also online when i have my son and just say sober. But after that, its time to push on and do my step 1. I have a habit of messing up big time, getting to meetings, stayimg sober through fear, then because im lazy not pushing on with the programme and eventually i get complacent and drink. On Wednesday i had 8 hours of thinking. 8 hours of begging god to help and save me. I had discomfort, but i also had time to think about my behaviour and actions. Last night my dreams were centred on my drinking escapades, so when i woke up, i wasnt rested and realising the nightmare id just had, was reflective of my current reality. Yesterday, i wanted to go to sleep and not wake up go avoid the guilt and hatred of my behaviour. It appears i still have a job. I still have a relationship with my son, and i still have the support and love of my parents (my dad is in the rooms and is 16 and half years sober, which makes this all the more heartbreaking because ive seen what damage alcohol can do, and what the solution is). I just feel guility as other than some financial discomfort, the consequences seem minimimal, but i know the truth. I know i messed up. I know i drank when i identify as an alcoholic. I know i havent been working the programme at all. I know ive made no effort with steps. Ive been putting other people and things first. I now know AA has to come first. If AA doesnt then theres no me. I need to do this programme like my life depends on. Dont know if anyone else can relate?
