For anyone who’s still interested in following along. New blog post is up. 
15 Likes
Awesome awesome read dude. Proud of you on taking these steps being honest and getting back to it. You’re alot like me in some ways, I notice alot of the same stuff in myself when I stop “working” my recovery, it becomes very dangerous for myself. And I know if I were to drink I’d also be alot like you, I wouldn’t maintain any of my training, I’d choose drinking over exercise everyday. Drinking didn’t keep me sane, but exercise does. Good job again man
5 Likes
Have a friend in the fellowship who is a running man aswell ,hes quite famous in the running world especially in Newcastle he 9 years sober now doing great his name is Karl Baxter look him up in FB , have alot in common wish you well
3 Likes
« I learned that I hadn’t completely lost my fitness level due to the downtime, but I wasn’t exactly where I’d left off either. It’s another example showing that not all progress is lost because of a mistake. It’s also an example showing that these missteps do have consequences and will result in a setback. The pace was a bit slower than I’d have liked, but it also felt really good to be out moving my body again. »
I always, always have the same revelation post relapse. Thought every time it’s worst. During confinement I gained pound like I never did before, and my run and swim got tougher then ever… I don’t want to go back to the mindset of screwing the whole week because of one bad night. Working the basics is key I guess. Good read thanks for sharing. I’m presentable Thinking about starting a running streaks today or tomorrow. Maybe ultra one day hehehe
2 Likes
Thanks Mike. I appreciate you a lot, man. It’s true. When I’m in active addiction, I literally do nothing else and nothing else seems to matter. It’s just about getting loaded. It’s a sad state.
I appreciate you hitting me up over the last couple weeks too.
1 Like
I appreciate that, Ray. I’ll definitely check him out.
1 Like
Thank you and I agree. It’s not only the fact that I don’t train while I’m drinking, it also takes me another week of recuperating to get the desire to get my shoes back on and hit the trail.
I think the run streak is a great idea. I follow a runner on IG who’s on like day 400 and something of his run streak. I think his minimum is a mile a day.
1 Like
Good read, like the peak inside your head, gives me some perspective. Keep growing dude, like you said, it’s not linear at all, but you keep moving the trend in the upward direction.
Keep trudging friend.
4 Likes
Absolutely man.
1 Like
“Shame can’t survive the Light”.
A beautiful, real, honest blog post. You are strong and courageous to face the truth, to be curious even, and to me, I can only think that means you are surrounded by light.
Thank you for sharing.
3 Likes
Appreciate it.
Thank you so much. I can’t say that it always feels very strong and courageous, right now, but I do think it’s the best thing to do. I appreciate it.
1 Like
Thank you. I’ll check out the virtual races.
Good to see you back buddy. “Shame can’t survive the Light.” Those are good words to live by.
Finding the light is never easy, and it takes steady, sustained effort (like running). But it is always worth it. Being honest with ourselves, cultivating light in our lives, and being kind and supportive - to ourselves and others - is what makes the journey possible.
I’m glad to see you back here. Wishing you progress on your ultra path. 
3 Likes
Thanks Matt. I think the quote came to mind, because my intial intention was to never come back here, not go back to my RD meetings, and to either stop writing these posts or just not write about this relapse. I wanted to just stuff the shame and embarrassment and hide it from everyone. I think that just feeds and validates the shame, though. So I decided to be honest about it with those who’ve I’ve shared my journey with so far. Healing can’t begin if we aren’t open and honest about what’s gone on, so I decided to put it out on the table. I can feel the shame starting to dissolve a bit. I can feel the shame shifting to guilt. I screwed up and I feel bad about it, but I also know it’s not because I’m a fundamentally broken person. I just need to address some things and make some corrections.
I think you are correct that with continued growth and progress, the guilt and shame will continue to shrink. Exposing it is my first step. When I keep it all to myself, it just festers. Thanks again.
On a side note, I know you tried to reach out to me in a productive way and coming from a place of compassion and concern. I chose to engage in conflict instead, because I was upset and angry. I regret that I didn’t take you up on your attempts to help and I appreciate it a ton.
3 Likes
It’s ok buddy. I could see what you were going through. I knew deep down it wasn’t who you are. I remember when you first started here, you shared a selfie of you on your way to your first meeting. You were nervous, not sure what it would be like for you. But you went anyway and kept going. You found a space that seemed to work for you, at least for where you were at the time.
That is always the image I have of you in my mind. I still see it today. I’m wishing you the best on this leg of your journey. I know you’ll get to where you need to be.
2 Likes
Thank you.
1 Like
I had some thoughts. I wrote them down. I published them on the internet. Take a look if you’re interested.
3 Likes
I enjoyed to read it, but I’ve always had problems reading grey letters on a white background. I have bad eyesight. Darker grey letters would be helpful and easier to read, thanks.
1 Like
Hmmm. I’m not sure if that’s something I can change, but I’ll look into it. Thanks for letting me know and for giving it a read.