lately my anger has been more intense than I like it to be. I like feeling anger more than I like feeling sad and or depressed.
So when people make me angry, I get really angry. I sometimes feel like punching my tweaky co-worker in the face. then I feel bad about it.
They other day I was at the laundromat and the owner wouldn’t let me do my laundry because it was after seven. It was 7:01. I wanted to grab him by the neck and throttle him. I had just got a load started, and was putting my second load in. when he stopped me. I was ready to fight.
I called him every bad name in the book after my laundry dried and I was leaving. I was staring him down really intimidatingly as I got my face within inches of his face as I said it.
This feels like drunken behavior to me. I’m not an aggressive person normally. I sometimes get very aggressive when I drink. Mr. Hyde. Its one of the biggest factors that made me want to quit. I wouldn’t remember but I would hear about it.
I’ve been working a lot and I had a small window between trips to do some laundry. Being tired was a part of it.
Years ago in therapy my counselor gently pointed out that I use anger to mask other emotions, like fear, sadness. I used anger to cope with my sons death, because anger feels better than most of the other feelings that came with that.
Crabbings almost over and that means its time to clean up more wreckage from my drunkeness. That brings up some fear, and some sadness. Some of its heavy emotional stuff which I hate dealing with, but I know I have to if I want to have long term serenity and that helps long term recovery which is my goal.
We are like onions. We peel layers. We deal with a layer at a time.
Working through it sober and facing it is where the rubber hits the road.
Being rested now and not being loaded gave me the clarification to see that today. this thread and writing about it brought it out. Thank you! Keep trudging along! Its worth it!