Just an update. I dont want to use weed but im drinking every day again. @Twizzlers tagged me while back and I felt bad responding but I appreciate it. I havent posted here because I dont even know if I want to not drink again.
I had a few vivid dreams the other night - i could try to write them down but they may be lost as soon as i try.
One part was me clearing out all the cans I now have hidden in my room in a plastic bag into my car, and then somehow my sister was riding in the car and she was almost seeing it.
I dont know how to want to be sober again. Im scared to reread my writing. Im crying every day. Im so tired.
Hey! I’m SO glad you checked back in. I went through what you are going thru for many months before I hit bottom and was ready and willing to do anything to get sober. Please let us continue to support you regardless of where you are at on this journey. You are loved. You are not alone. You belong here.
I agree with @LeeHawk . You do belong here. The support is amazing anytime and every time you need it. And when you are stronger you can read the amazing recovery stories by so many who have succeeded.
I’m glad you’re still here. I went through the thing of not being sure I even wanted to be sober. All the while I was getting high and going to open meetings, not picking up white chips because I wasn’t ready. But somehow I knew I’d get there when I hit my bottom. As my sponsor says, “It takes what it takes”. You belong here, whether you’re ready to be sober or not. And when you are ready, you’ll have this community for support
It is good to see you back, we are all welcome here, no matter where we are at in our journey. You sound really tired and defeated and I think a lot of us can relate to that. All this weighs so heavily on our bodies, minds and souls. Real change is hard, I struggled against it for so many years. I hope you keep coming back and can start to lift some of that sadness when you are ready. Many hugs.
Hi
I’m so happy to see you back here.
Do what you can today to begin back on your sober journey.
Each day do what your able to, and before you know it you will be feeling alot better.
Stay in touch here, we are here for you. We know how your feel, we know this isn’t easy so please lean on us
There are roaches in my room. I need to lay down traps, get the food and cans and litter taken care of, set down diatomaceous earth. I chose to drink all morning on my one day off, then sobered up to meet with a coworker friend in the afternoon.
I got the saturday prep cook job because ive been hating life and needed a commitment so at least im not drunk on saturday am.
Im only going to post on this thread until I even want to get sober again. I really just dont want to. I think ill get there and want to harm reduce until then. But yeah. Work wont be horrible tomorrow. I feel ready to do it even if I sort of dread it.
I have to do taxes. Laundry. Recycling. Cat care. Get that planner out from the pile of shit. Im doing occasional 15 min cleans but not every day. Late to work more. But when I resolve to not drink the Horrors of life swim in my mind until I just do. And a big roach was in my room today when I got home, it scuttled away in seconds.
Hey, I’m happy to see you back
It’s so hard to dig your way out when you feel really low, I know this feeling. We are all here for you.
Are you still making and art? Take care
Hello,
Its been about 70 days since I last reset the clock.
A subscription to a criminally expensive non alcoholic beverage renewed even though I didnt want it to. Im wondering if the signs are there to intentionally quit again.
Nobody knows i started drinking again, not even my roommates unless theyve looked into my room (possible, the door is open for the cat.) There has been a horrifying plastic bag of cans in bathroom.
Ok. Last I drank was this saturday. It was a lot. I let a lot go. Im feeling so fucked up. A lot of feelings like, it is pointless to do anything. But it finally got too expensive. Ive spent well over 200 on alcohol at this point.
Now its wednesday. I can go one day at a time. Im so dissociated. Ive had some cleaning pushes but could really use 15 random minutes today. Ive fallen off with that too. Just so much failure.
Going to just eat instead. Im so tired.
Having some food and a rest sounds like a great idea.
Hope your okay and good to see you.
I have been busy so not on much last few weeks.
I totally love your idea of the 15 minutes clean around. It’s a realistic goal, and it’s okay to rest and do it tomorrow.
Anyway it’s good to see you
Thank you Twizzle! Hope its a good kind of busy youre dealing with.
I did make myself do laundry and the 15 minute tidy yesterday so that was one good thing. I didnt drink, and I havent smoked weed in 4 months. So that is something to work with. I wont drink tonight, Ill get something else done instead.
I sweet friend. I know where you are at, been there many times. Please know that you are very loved, even if your challenged to love yourself. Recovery is Progressive!!! Let it flow!
4 months is huge congratulations seriously well done for that. I know it isn’t an easy one. Really proud of you so much
Your here, and we are on this journey together, through the ups and the downs okay
The worst thing about this relapse is the deep resolve i had at the beginning broke. I did not waver much the first year in at least my desire to live sober.
Urges could be dealt with because i had internal emotional investment in my sobriety. Even now I dont really have that.
I have more resolve about other things - i am still taking precautions around covid and am prepared to do so indefinitely, for example.
But i really dont know what the weekend will bring. I dont know why I started posting here again. I dont know.
seriously well done for that. I know it isn’t an easy one. Really proud of you so much 