Not trying to look for sympathy. Just wanted to complain. It’s 100% my fault as well. I’m working on 11 days sober from Pornography and Masturbation. When if first joined this forum I quickly made some great friendships and immersed myself into the community. I gained a long stretch of sobriety. Then I got lazy and relapsed. Since then it’s been 30-60 days between relapses. Id be at my year mark since joining TS about now.
Im happy with the success i have had though. Ive only binged about 5-6 times over the past year. Its improvement from past years for sure.
I also get in my own head. I get frustrated when i see my friends on here posting huge milestones. Should’ve been me. My fault though. I’m happy for my friends. Just irritated with myself.
Not looking for replies. Its just therapeutic for me to write this out and put it out there.
I know you’re not looking for replies, so feel free to ignore this. You’ve always been someone I looked up to, and you still are. You were one of the first people to talk to me and be there for me when I was at my rock bottom, even though our addictions and lives are different. You have taught me so much about recovery, having a sense of levity, and not letting labels scare me.
I’m sorry you’re struggling, friend. I’m sending you love and strength.
I TOTALLY relate to this!! My first sobriety date is December 9, 2016…yet I’m only at 4.5 months sober. Yes, I’m so proud of my current success but I often think about the “what if”. But the past is the past. I CAN’T allow myself to dwell on what might have been. Basically I have to accept that I just wasn’t ready yet. I was still contemplating.
Maybe this time is the time!!! Keep positive but focus on what is, not what might have been.
I understand how you feel about seeing others milestones, I don’t feel good about myself when I see them sometimes but that’s on me for letting myself slip from time to time instead of coming here and asking for help. Don’t beat yourself up, brother. Get back on the right path and don’t look back😊
Progress not perfection Rob. If I stayed sober the first time I tried to get sober I’d be celebrating 5 years today, I’ll take the 450 some days I have now, because all we have is now, today.
You’re also one of the people on here I look up too as well, your humility and gratitude are something to admire.
If it was as easy as saying “no more”, what a world this would be, but it’s not that easy.
I had more deliberate relapses than I can count. I just haven’t had one since joining the forum. When I say “deliberate”, it’s because I said “yes” to the first drink. I in the process, I also learned to say “no”. Thankfully, my supply of “no” has built to where it overwhelmed the “yes”. I make sure I add to it daily.
You will get there. I have no doubt. As long as the desire lives, the goal is achievable. Keep pushing forward, especially when you stumble.
I would also add that I, too, consider you one of the people to look up to. It isn’t just about who has the most time. It’s about who perseveres. You never make “excuses”, you always brush yourself off and keep going and growing. I admire your work.
When you act out …does your wife ever hit your mind or guilt from your wife and kids shame you at all? Does she know? are you open to her when you relapse? I feel the best thing to do as addicts is to be completely open expecially to ur spouse or lover. Work on ways to make it harder to access alone. No personal laptop only desktop thats open to anyone no more hiding…thats when us addicts like to act up when we are alone and in shaddows. The concious mindset that your gonna get caught or it be seen may make u think about what your doing… Just sugestions … I hope you dont hate me now… you have 5 kids and job your not staying busy enough with those idle hands boiiii
I understand you completely because I get the same feelings often in my own life. I can’t tell you how many times I have told myself “I could have temple recommend by now.” The sad truth is that in the full decade or so of my addiction, I have had many opportunities to change that I didn’t take - these included many friends whom I never see anymore, parents whom I didn’t dare talk to, bishops and stake presidents who tried to help me, and even councilors whom I visited only once before never going back to again. Amongst all these opertunities, I didn’t change and I didn’t take the opportunity that I should have. Now, looking back, I feel like I failed so many times that I have more failures than successes.
Yet even with these thoughts, I knew that I shouldn’t think that way, and I was truly being my own worst critic. I never game myself credit for anything that I should have, and couldn’t possibly fathom that I might be a good guy deep down. I had sunk so low that I openly began to admit I wasn’t worth anything anymore.
It’s funny, looking back now, how low I truly was and how greatful I am to have risen up - even just a little bit. I still have a long ways to go, and still am not sure how to get there, but taking each day and making what I can out of it has truly been the solution for me. I look for opportunities to change for the better, I look myself in the eyes each morning and tell myself that I can do this (that was hard for the first few months, because I didn’t believe it at first), and I commit to being the person I want to be in the long run, even if it’s only for today.
So, long story short haha: I am glad you have shared this with us, because I know I am not alone in these feelings. Honestly, you are one of the reasons I joined this forum and began to believe I could change my life. I can’t imagine my life without this forum now, and you are a large part of it for me. If you need something or want to talk, be sure to message me or keep the conversation right here I can’t wait to see where we all can get to together!
Late to the party, but also wanted to say your example of honesty, humor, faith and compassion have always done a world of good. Those will see you through again.
Like others, you were among the first to reach out to me when i first joined even backing me up on a particularly tough night.
I don’t mean that as a thank you or a pat on the back (at least not primarily). Only that I’ve seen how the kind of honesty you show here can heal because I’ve seen you do it before.
Thanks for sharing this, Rob. All the blessings to you and your family.
Lots of talk of honesty here. Feeling like a hypocrite. Yeah, I’m honest and unapologetic in what i share here. But, honest with my wife? We dont talk about the addiction. Like it doesnt exist. I don’t lie to her face anymore, but im not straightforward with her either. I dont tell her of my relapses. She has access to my phone though and can see my counter, though i dont know if she knows what im even counting.
Making it harder to access? Its everywhere. I cant escape it. I tried setting up every barrier, it was just a fence to jump. The only restraint left is self restraint. I must change myself, not the environment. My environment is pretty healthy for me as it is, but i cant change everyone else.
Marriage dynamics are unique. I dont know you well enough to give rock solid advice, but maybe something to ponder. Not being straightforward can be looked at as lieing. Same with relapsing. Your addiction is an extremly tough one to crack, when you look at all the stressors our society throws your way. It might help if she knew. Again, not knowing your dynamics, so just something to ponder.
Yeah? Maybe? She has said that she does, but then she’s acted the opposite before. I dont know. I really should be more open and honest with her, but thats one part of the addiction that runs deep within me. I have an extremely difficult time opening up.
We love you @DungeonMaster. It’s truly a joy to have you among us.
Can totally relate what you’re saying. When’s it going to be enough?
I started 12 step recovery when I was 23. And I’m 48 now so that’s 25 years of relapse history. But we still don’t give up, and the results, however disappointing they may be to us, are still worth it and better than acting out full blown in our addiction with no restraint.
As for my wife, she really doesn’t want anything to do with my journey towards wholeness. She doesn’t want to be my accountability partner nor my policeman nor my support person. She simply wants me to take responsibility for myself and doesn’t want to have to worry about it. Too much for her to handle I guess.
Hmm. I know it’s different, but I have/had a similar situation discussing my addiction with my mother. What needed to be said vs what was me feeling better at her expense/discomfort?
Ultimately only one person can decide what she can handle, and it’s not me.
I once admitted to her I had a problem before fully in recovery. Later in proper amends I started with apologizing for causing her any stress/concern, then let her set the pace for the rest of it.
Now though she is a very important and supportive figure in my life, she’s not an “accountability person.” That said, if I ever hid a serious struggle from her again it’s crystal clear she would kill me. YMMV.
@DungeonMaster , do you work a program? I’m wondering if you have a sponsor or anyone who is there for your accountability? My recovery partners have been vital to my recovery. I understand how difficult it can be to talk to your spouse about addiction. My husband knows how much recovery time I have and I’ll tell him epiphany moments, but I don’t drag him through the memories of my worst days or anything. I don’t know of that helps, I just think there’s some middle ground between “tell them everything” and “hide everything”, and that’s where I’ve found peace.
you have 5 kids and job your not staying busy enough with those idle hands boiiii
I can’t wait to see where we all can get to together! 
YMMV.