I understand you completely because I get the same feelings often in my own life. I can’t tell you how many times I have told myself “I could have temple recommend by now.” The sad truth is that in the full decade or so of my addiction, I have had many opportunities to change that I didn’t take - these included many friends whom I never see anymore, parents whom I didn’t dare talk to, bishops and stake presidents who tried to help me, and even councilors whom I visited only once before never going back to again. Amongst all these opertunities, I didn’t change and I didn’t take the opportunity that I should have. Now, looking back, I feel like I failed so many times that I have more failures than successes.
Yet even with these thoughts, I knew that I shouldn’t think that way, and I was truly being my own worst critic. I never game myself credit for anything that I should have, and couldn’t possibly fathom that I might be a good guy deep down. I had sunk so low that I openly began to admit I wasn’t worth anything anymore.
It’s funny, looking back now, how low I truly was and how greatful I am to have risen up - even just a little bit. I still have a long ways to go, and still am not sure how to get there, but taking each day and making what I can out of it has truly been the solution for me. I look for opportunities to change for the better, I look myself in the eyes each morning and tell myself that I can do this (that was hard for the first few months, because I didn’t believe it at first), and I commit to being the person I want to be in the long run, even if it’s only for today.
So, long story short haha: I am glad you have shared this with us, because I know I am not alone in these feelings. Honestly, you are one of the reasons I joined this forum and began to believe I could change my life. I can’t imagine my life without this forum now, and you are a large part of it for me. If you need something or want to talk, be sure to message me or keep the conversation right here I can’t wait to see where we all can get to together!