Ive been reading up about codependency…i do think that this is what this mother daughter relationship has been…definately alot of what ive said rings true BUT i think this now is where things are beginning to change because i myself am changing, before i believed my mother when she would put me down and criticise me, i would accept her ill treatment because i felt i deserved it…i dont anymore…i dont believe any of it…i am a kind and good person and a very good mother, im making peace with myself these days and i know that just because she says something it does not make it true, ive changed but she hasnt and probably never will, she will never look as closely at herself as i have…im not sure shes even capable of that but that is not my responsibility, i can only work on myself, no matter what happens i will keep my boundries with both the physical seeing her and with what behaviour i will accept and not accept from her, reading about codependency has helped alot to get this more clear in my head.
Thank you @erntedank @james83 @Elephanttail and everyone else that has been helping me on this thread youve all been so helpful in getting me to where i am so far…
4 Likes
I relate to this so hard. I had laid out a very clear road map for my mom and it all fell on deaf ears. I have spent so much of my life waiting for the “mom,” I always needed and wanted to magically appear and heal all the pain. It is a hard thing to accept that they are who they are. You are not alone in this.
Another term that may be helpful to look into is enmeshment. It is basically when a relationship has a fake deepness or closeness, but it is more built on a trauma bond. This helped me come to terms with how unstable of a relationship I had with my mom.
3 Likes
Thank you Nathan, i did see that word come up when i was researching about codependency but i will read further, thank you, i feel like if i can understand something i can deal with it alot better, im sorry that youve been through similar…i know how much emotional pain and psychological turmoil it creates, at least we all have each other to help us all along, people who understand is definitely comforting
2 Likes
Its my birthday on thursday, il be 46, im already worrying what will happen with my mother…if she will acknowledge my birthday or not as we still arent in contact…im solid on sticking to my guns about not acceptable her behaviour and in many ways i want her to stay away from me but in the same breath if she doesnt acknowledge my birthday i will also feel really hurt…
2 Likes
I really cant call it, i dont know what shel do but i am scared of the pain if she does nothing, its rejection…my most feared thing but yes your right, i will lean into what i do have, thank you for your kindness 
1 Like
One of the reasons I gave up on my father is that he stopped bothering to acknowledge my birthday. We hadn’t fallen out, he just didn’t care for some reason. It sucks but either way, you’ll be ok! Xx
3 Likes
Thank you @james83 and @erntedank
I know it serves me zero to worry about and preempt what will happen but its because im scared of the pain, ive mentioned it because on thursday im going to be on my own for alot of the day and may need some support here so im leaning in again to you lovely people, its not a pity party but i fear abandonment and its a well trodden path for me, i know the pain and if she does nothing i know it will throw me, on the other hand what to do if she does acknowledge, do i just say thank you and leave it at that?
2 Likes
Lean on us 
Acknowledging … no advice here from me. I have 1 million versions of what I would say to my ex if he ever takes responsibility in my head and I’m sure out of my mouth would come codependent bullshit. So I’m glad he never will.
Keep it simple sounds solid though.
1 Like
Thank you so much, I will lean in on Thursday if i need to
1 Like
So my mother has been texting my partner to tell him she has sent me something to be delivered for tomorrow because she ‘feels like a nuisance’
Ive sent her this text…
I asked you not to just turn up at our home and to let me know if you were coming because you were coming all of the time unannounced which didn’t help with my anxiety because more often than not you criticise me, pick fault or try to control me nothing to do with you being a nuisance because I’ve told you many times that that hurts me but you continue to do it so all I could do was see you less. I’ve spent the last 4 years working on myself but still nothing is ever good enough, I’d had a lovely weekend away then you went on the way you did the last time I saw you…I did nothing wrong whatsoever and I will not be treat like that, i never wanted to fall out I love you because you are my mam and i have been in a right state over this just ask Adam…but I am not being treat like that anymore by anyone so the choice is yours
Her reply…
I did nothing wrong all i wanted to do was drop sofias easter egg off u did have an attitude n i obviously cant do anything right so am staying away till invited because my being there upsets u so much and as im such a bad person i dont critise and i dont tell u wat to do you treat me like a spy u do wat u want u no were i am if u feel the need for anything, why do u blame me for all ur prior problems wen all ive ever done how ever it appeared was to help
Let me know what you guys think
2 Likes
Please take my opinion with a grain of salt,but your moms reply has some classic tactics in it. The fact that she says,
This is deflection. She is putting herself in a victim role by bringing in your daughter. She is also making an attack at your parenting by implying that you are “depriving” your kid of a gift.
This is a manipulative tactic to flip the roles in your mind to view yourself as the aggressor/oppressor. You never said she was a bad person. As a matter of fact you didn’t name call at all. Most of your text is stating how her actions cause you to feel negative emotions.
This is my read of the situation and things I have heard from my own mother most of my life.
2 Likes
Thank you so much Nathan i completely agree
2 Likes
oh honey, this manipulative crybaby victim blaming narcisistic mimimi sucks. sorry not sorry to put it that bluntly.
until YOU invite her? really? oh come on, she is an adult, not in kindergarten 
and again your partner as middle person
i echo above from nathan, much tactics & manipulation no honesty and beware! of course no taking responsibility. sorry friend, that goes down like sour milk.
i would suggest to think about how to proceed with the gift.
hugs
1 Like
Thank you, Im having a good cry, im frustrated…its like beating my head against a brick wall, she apparently finds it sad that she has to ‘make an appointment’ to see her own daughter and grandaughter, i said it comes down to respect…all i am asking is that she lets me know if shes coming and not hurt me if she does but she neither respects me as a person or my boundries…she hurts me, then denies it then blames me for being hurt
1 Like
Could I suggest something? Would she agree to come kind of mediation by a trained third party who can help explain what’s going on?
I agree wholly with the above comments and the situation will continue to deteriorate until you give in.
2 Likes
Ive thought about it James but i think one of 2 things would happen.
1/ she would agree to go then walk out if she felt criticised
2/ she would refuse to do it
1 Like
Following on from her reply earlier this is the rest of the convo…
Me:Here’s how it actually was for me… that morning I got up with Adam to make his bait n see him to work, I’d not slept too well so went back to bed, no prior arrangements had been made with you…I wake up to 3 missed calls from you so I text…you said can I call? I said when? You put NOW so I said ok, I ran downstairs unlocked the door…I went to the toilet heard you come in n jokingly said what’s the rush? So u shout we’ll I can go if u want? I said nothing then came downstairs to you with your face like thunder so I calmly ask shall I put the kettle on n you shout on again about how you can go, by that point I don’t want to be with you so I say we’ll maybe you should go if your gonna be like that, you storm out and slam my door
Me again:I dont blame you for all my prior problems I take full responsibility for everything ive done and I apologise when I make mistakes when I hurt people, you don’t do that, ever
Her:Because what i say and do comes from the right place and its sad to me that i have to make an app to see my own daughter and grand daughter as i said last time i havnt got the energy to argue on about does what and stuff so as far im concerned thsts an end of it
Me:That’s your choice, nothing wrong in me asking you let me know when your coming and not to upset me if you do, I dont ask for much
Me:Its about respect, you want to be able to come and go on however you want, what about what I want? Adam might be sat in his boxers or something n u just walk in? You don’t respect me as a person or my boundaries, most people would just say ok it’s just manners to not just show up but that’s the problem …no respect for me whatsoever yet you demand it from everyone else? It’s a 2 way street. I never wanted any of this but I just keep getting hurt over and over…you say stuff to hurt me then deny youve done anything wrong then blame me for feeling hurt
Her: I’ll wait for invite
Me: Your choice
2 Likes
