Its been a short while, not much has changed in the situation with my mother apart from a couple of weeks ago she messaged me saying that shes apologised twice now and are we going to carry on with how things are? I still dont feel any of her apologies were genuine but its pointless saying anything because itl just end up in an argument so i just said that i want what i first asked for which is that she asks before hand if she wants to come and is a bit nicer if she does, she said ok. So at the weekend she asks can she come to visit on Tuesday…i instantly felt my anxiety go into overdrive…i dont want her around me, i dont want to sit there and have a cup of tea with her, pretend everything is ok and talk about all the surface level bullshit, i almost had a panic attack at just the thought of it…thats not normal right?
If you don’t feel safe and comfortable about it, don’t do it.
Healing takes time and we are not obliged to let people who hurt us near us.
Of course you can give it a try and end the visit the moment you don’t feel ok with it anymore. For that approach it would be helpful to sort your feelings and dig into your needs, expectations and the anxiety. it is valid to refuse another round of toxic behaviour. it is also valid to give it a try to see how it goes on the possibility of being ok. it is perfectly ok to keep yourself safe & distant, boundaries up and say NO.
you are enough friend, your needs and emotional safety come first 
Thank you, because i dont feel like anything will change i dont feel like i will change how i feel about not wanting to be around her…what if i never feel like that?
I’m so sorry Kelly
Apologies don’t mean anything when they are not genuine and followed by actions that make you feel the changes.
You do not need that kind of tension and stress. I understand that you don’t want to talk to your mom and explain how her apologies seem empty. You are right - it would definitely end up in a fight.
I love what @erntedank wrote. You do not owe anyone anything (even if it is your mom). You do not deserve to live in this anxiety and tension. It can take time to heal.
I don’t have an answer if you’ll ever be ready. Just know that for now you need to protect yourself and allow the emotional wounds time to heal 
that’s ok. but it’s future tripping and pondering things that are out of your control.
for me the important question is: How do i feel now, today, in the present? not yesterday, that was yesterday, that’s unimportant. not tomorrow, i know nothing about tomorrow. today, now. how i feel later today is something i will discover later. might be the same, might change.
next important question for me is: what to i need? in positive terms like routine, decency, rest, a cup of tea, a therapy session, connection … and in boundary terms like no stress, no interference, no additional load (workwise, emotional, …), etc.
final important question for me is: what is in my control and what can i do resp. what am i willing to do. the latter are two totally different things!
for example you CAN let your mum visit (it’s your home, you are in control who comes and goes) but you are not willing to host a visit (your personal choice who you let into your home).
for me this 
was the most important distinction i realized with my ex. it gave me an approach to focus on MY needs seperately from what is possible in general. it helped me to break down situations in different parts to deal with seperately.
for example: you can suggest to meet at a coffee shop. thus your home stays safe, you can leave whenever you want, your mum and you can meet on neutral ground and you keep your private surroundings unentered and private.
please you do you, you are enough, you don’t owe anybody an explanation why you do or refuse something. be safe, mentally, emotionally.
i still smile about the gem @soberbilly gave me: F.U.B.A.R
fucked up beyond repair. it took a long time for me to settle with the acknowledgement that the connection with my ex we once had was fubar. i took it odaat - whenever i spiraled, i asked myself: is this fubar just for today?yes? then proceed with focus on yourself and don’t put energy there my dear, put it into yourself and creating a goid life
talking to myself like this changed everything over time.
hugs to you
Thank you so much @JazzyS and @erntedank i love you both and your wise words and support.
Future tripping and F.U.B.A.R great pieces of advice, ive been doing future tripping alot lately and its doing me no good watsoever…for now the situation is fubar because of my reaction the other day, shes hurt me too much.
You guys are both so kind and talk so much sense, im so grateful… i over think and i do this thing where when everything seems to be going ok i start to doubt myself and my decisions on things almost like i have to have an issue going on to feel settled, i dont really know what thats about…Adam is great we have a lovely relationship but even that i start feeling like im not worthy of it and someday soon it will all come crashing down, i got myself in such a state about it last night i ended up in tears followed by a truly horrible drinking dream, i feel like shit today mentally, sorry just venting a little, love you guys xx
It was my 4 years last week, it meant so much to me, you’d think that my mother would remember such a day wouldnt you, she didnt..that hurt.
I was going to suggest the same as @erntedank that you offer to meet somewhere in public. That way you are free to leave whenever you want. Based on things you have written I have a very similar relationship with my mom. My mom has made comments about me not wanting her at my house. I don’t engage in those conversations and move on. You are worth just as much in the relationship as he is, remember that he loves you for you.
I honestly dont even want to do that at the moment but i guess it would be an option if i ever do, thanks so much for your support and understanding it really means alot, hope you are well
that’s normal. people having experienced toxic drama (i guess you have with your mother from what you shared) need a lot of time and work to get settled comfortable in the setting ordinary life, nothing much up, down, beside or any kind of spikes.
there seems something missing. it isn’t. it’s just so deeply engraved experiences and our corresponding emotional reactions to them that we don’t feel “normal” or “comfortable” without this kick in lack of a better word.
that changes with time, healing and peace.
i like to see it as deconstruction process. and boy have i deconstructed what didn’t serve me anymore, mindsets, emotions, reactions, patterns, behaviours and relationships. work still in progress.
i think as long as you notice this adverse thinking pattern / emotional response it’s ok as you can decide how to deal withit. look at it, work on / with it, tell it to STFU, sit with it, ignore it … many possibilities.
you are grateful for your good life. some weird thinking / emotions cannot bite you. hugs
Yes ive had many ups and downs, my prebts break up when i was 4, living with my grandparents until i was 6, moving back in with my mum and horrible step father at 6, my dad abandoning my brother and i with no explanation when i was 10, all the horribleness of living with my mum and stepdad, theres alot more that i wont bore you with as its starting to sound like a pity party…its not and i am grateful for alot but it does explain alot, if it wasnt so expensive here id get some proper therapy but i think with yours and lovely friends heres guidance and my own work il get there, u really do talk so much sense and help me more than you can ever know, thank you so much, i will ponder over what youve said, love and hugs to you 
always there for you friend
i heal(ed) through kindness and love towards myself and radically eliminating everything, everyone, everythought, everypattern that caused pain, trouble and did not contribute to a good life. sounds like natch but this short summary was created after years of intense work on myself with just a natch here and there and trial, error, learning, moving one step forward two steps in circles and loosing track more often than ican count 
keep going, keep healing, put your needs, peace and safety first. because you are enough and owe nobody anything
This is a normal response when you have lived in chaos and toxicity. Even though you see the issues and are creating a safe space for yourself your mind thinks something is missing cause it’s not used to the calm and peace. It’s trying to reach a familiar state not realizing that you are in a better space now. This is where the doubt comes in and you start second guessing yourself. If that ever happens, take time to read your thread and know you are not imagining these harsh feelings. You deserve to be happy and toxicity free.
Sending love your way. I do love the advice @erntedank gave and agree that it would be wiser to meet in a neutral place if you do choose to meet up. There is no rush in this either 
I will definitely do what youve suggested thank you so much Jazz, it helps so much to talk this out with you guys, love to you