Today is day 2 for me. I was sober for the last two months of 2017 and that was the longest time I’d been sober since I was 18. (I’m 21). Moving away from home to university after high school was really tough for me. That’s when my mental health issues became apparent. I switched universities twice until I finally decided it’s best to study long distance so I’m currently enrolled in University again but I study from home. Anyway 2017 was my first full year off and it was then that I was finally diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and clinical depression with avoidant and depressive traits. I’ve been using alcohol to self medicate for almost 4 years now and now that I’m on medication I didn’t stop. I should have because it counteracts with medication and that became very clear to me after I attempted suicide while I was blacked out. I drank A LOT of sleeping pills but thankfully years of binge drinking kept me from Oding because my body is used to so much damage. The days following my suicide attempt where not pleasant and I’ve finally decided to quit drinking again. I want to give my medication a chance to work. I’ve been lying to my psychologist and family to hide my addiction and I’m sick of it. I just want to be healthy, physically and mentally healthy. I want to graduate and follow my dream of being an author. A published author that is.
To anyone romanticising suicide, don’t. It’s not poetic or beautiful it sucks, especially considering the fact that most people who attempt to kill themselves don’t end up succeeding. You just wake up in a lot of physical pain, damage to your body and a lot more emotional pain. Not to mention seeing how much you’ve hurt the people who love you because even if it doesn’t feel like it there are people who love you, people whose lives will be torn apart by your death. I’ve seen what lies on the other side of that dark fantasy and it is not the release we hope it will be. Anyway enough preaching, I just wish I had listened to people who had been through it. People telling me to stop drinking, people who tried to help me handle my illness. Being mentally ill is hard but drinking doesn’t solve shit. Thanks for listening to me rant❤