Waking up for the first time


#1

Edi: This is my original post from February 2018.

I’ve been a closet drinker for the past 20 years. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I finally admitted to myself that I have a problem, and it wasn’t until 2 weeks ago that I decided to do something about it.

3 weeks ago, my grandfather passed away. During his funeral, my uncle talked about my grandpa’s drinking problem and how he got clean. He mentioned that addiction has a deep root in our family and we need to be careful. Later that day, at the reception, I got blackout drunk. My wife said I embarrassed her by my actions in front of my family. 2 days later, after another binge, I decided it was time to quit. I didn’t tell anyone, just did it.

Tomorrow night will be day 14. I know it’s not long, but it’s longer than I have gone in 20 years. The first week was emotionally tough, like the old me is slowly dying away and I am in mourning. But the last couple of days, it’s like I woke up for the first time. I’m still in mourning, but each day, the new me, the real me emerges. I can’t wait to meet my new self.


#2

Sorry about your grandfather. Sounds like you’ve have a real tough time. I am hoping to ‘find a new self’ through my sobriety also. It’s encouraging to know that you are starting to feel your new self emerging. Keep going! And keep us updated :relaxed:


#3

14 days is great! I have 7. I think your grandfather would be proud of your 14 days sober.


#4

The funny thing is that the “new” sober me is the real me, the one I’ve been all along. The innocent and creative child that used to explore and try new things has shown herself. She’s a lot more pleasant than the person (the addicted version) I thought I was. I didn’t realize she still existed because I numbed and blocked her out for so long. She’s now at the forefront instead of hiding in the shadow of my dark, alcoholic side.


#5

Sorry about your grandpa. But I bet he would have been proud of you for getting sober. I also am getting to know myself again after a long drunk. Like 15 years. I feel like everything is new again, and I get a real child like curiosity when I’m doing things for the first time sober, or being around people sober. It’s a real gift, so enjoy it! Not everyone gets a chance to start their lives again.


#6

So well said and so much true :slight_smile: like realiving all the things from new :slight_smile:


#7

I wanted to continue this thread of my sobriety story, if for nothing else, for myself.

I remember my first real attempt at sobriety like it was yesterday. I was depressed in the beginning because I knew I had to give up my lifestyle. It took about a month before I felt good about myself.

That stretch lasted 58 days. I remember that day, day 59, one away from 60. I was feeling sorry for myself because I felt my wife was picking on me and my good friend from work, who just got fired, text me asking if I wanted to get shitfaced.

My friend knew I was sober, and so by him asking that, I knew he was upset and wanted companionship that night. He had moved from out of state 2 years prior and didn’t have any friends besides me. His career was his life, and he had just lost it for no reason. Anyway, I thought and thought, and I replied to that text, “yeah, i kind of do”. And that was that. I reset.

Few days later, I reset. And a few days again, and again and again. Finally I gave up resetting. I had slid back into my comfort zone, because I don’t know how to say I’m not happy.

That’s all it is. I can’t say im not happy, I cant say im mad or I’m upset or I’m disappointed or I’m scared. I can’t say those things, so I drink instead so that I don’t have to say those things.

I’m a happy drunk. When I’m drunk, all is right in the world and I’m happy as a clam. Whenever life got tough, I reached for the bottle. That was the only way I knew how to deal with those feelings, drink them away until im happy. That’s a sad existence. Pain is required, it lets you know you’re still alive. Pain motivates you to not be in pain anymore. I don’t know pain because I’ve drank it away my whole life.

In September, the 21st to be exact, I decided to get back on that path. It’s easier this time around. I wasnt depressed or as anxious. I knew what to expect do I was better prepared. I also quit nicotine because smoking and drinking go together, and smoking makes me want to drink, so it made sense to quit both.

Overall, this attempt is going pretty good. I need to work on expressing my discontent to those who can influence my feelings, not just friends or strangers. I think that will help me in the long run.

Not sure if there is anything of value, but thanks for reading.


#8

I’m glad you are here. I can only pray that you don’t fall into that deadly comfort zone again. When we start to feel all of the negative emotions that’s usually when we start to pick up the bottle again. But those are the times we must fight the hardest and stay strong. We can do this I know there is a better sober life out there for us all. We have to keep fighting. Stay strong brother.


#9

Thanks for the kind words, it means a lot to me!

I’m learning to think through my emotions instead of grabbing that bottle first thing. I’ve also decided, the next time I have that f**k it moment, I’m gonna stuff my face with junk food instead of liquor. It’s a lot easier burn off an extra 2000 calories than it is to pull myself out of that dark place again.


#10

Some day even this changes. After a shitty day I love to have good food :blush: Happy belly happy me.


#11

I need to get this off my chest. Sorry for the rant in advance.

To be honest, I’ve been feeling depressed lately. I have been worrying about a lot of things and it keeps piling up. My thinks she’s pregnant. She’s had 5 miscarriages now and the last one was because of a genetic disorder called trisomy 14. Likely from me, possibly from alcohol, nicotine and other drugs, though, I was never tested, so just a hypothesis.

Does this mean another miscarriage with the sorrow that follows? Or the possibility of having a special needs child and the challenges that comes? I know I shouldn’t worry, because worrying does no good, especially when it’s out of my control. It’s just so hard not to worry.

And to top it off, my sister hijacked my annual vacation! I was so looking forward to it. She asked if her adult boys can come and sleep in our hotel (one is special needs and requires constant supervision). I told her no on account of no room, but my parents are coming too, and they have their own room and she asked my Dad, of course he’s not going to say no.

Seriously, who does that? We made arrangements and reservations months ago for dinners and lunches etc. and now we are gonna look like assholes for not including them.

These emotions are potential dangers to my sobriety, but I feel I’ve gotten in front of them quickly enough to deal with them constructively. Time will tell.


#12

Wow, that’s a lot going on my friend! Has your wife missed her period or taken a test yet? If not, try not to get your hopes up yet. But I will keep you guys in my prayers for this and peace to be with you both regardless of the outcome.

Where is your trip and when? Is your sister going?

None of this is anything that drinking will help so stay solid on your sobriety through all the bullshit. The one thing I know is the answer is never in that bottle, but a whole lot of problems are hidden in there!

You’ve got a lot going on and I am glad you shared. Really proud of your progress Dan, stay with us! :heart:


#13

She took a test and was negative but she’s like 4 days late now. She’s been this late before and not pregnant, conversely she took a test when 1 day late and was positive, so who knows. It’s in God’s hands now. We’ve tried to have one more for a while now but keeps ending bad, just thisnlast time they tested the fetus to find the chromosome abnormality. That’s my biggest concern, feeling guilty bringing a child into this world knowing that genetic deformaty is possible. That was irresponsible on my part.

Our trip is to Disneyland, a couple days after Christmas.

So a brief history; my wife, kids and I have been going to Disneyland for 6 or 7 years now for Christmas. It started as an excuse to avoid the family (still is). My sister and her family then started going too, but earlier in December because it’s cheaper. Three years ago, we wanted to take my Parents with us so we paid for their way. My sister and family came too, but they stayed far away in a cheap hotel. The following year, my wife thought it would be neat to get a suite so we can all stay together. Since she gets a ridiculous Christmas bonus each year, she splurged on a $15,000 suite for us. My wife told my sister to pay us what they were expecting to pay on a hotel. They gave her $900. My wife was kind of insulted and felt taken advantage of, mainly because even the cheap hotels are still a couple grand. But, she did say pay what you want, basically. My sister and her husband are very cheap. Like split one meal between the 4 of them cheap, make your own deodorant cheap, or pay you back with coupons and used giftcards cheap.

She’s not going with us. I encouraged her to, but she said she’s fully booked. I’m all for more the merrier, I just think it’s inappropriate to invite your kids at our expense. Should I tell her that bothered us? I’m not one for confrontations, but I feel it must be said and I don’t think she get get mad, maybe hurt though.


#14

Boundaries are tricky as fuck and not always my forte so my advice may not be great but instead of harboring resentment, especially given the fact you and her already discussed this ahead of time I would say something. Your parents agreed to take the boys, who pays for your parents while they go? Maybe your parents plan on footing the bill and that was part of that conversation? If not, that would be a huge thing to me! Look, I love you and my nephews and I am all for spending time with them but who’s paying the bill? Last time we spoke I thought it was decided the boys were spending the holidays with you.
On the pregnancy, something I’m taking is colostrum to help rebuild my intestines. My doctor said this a great supplement for obtaining pregnancy as well as folic acid. May be worth looking into anyway, personally I hate taking it and avoid sex like the plague, not that I really had to worry about that anyway but if it helps you guys I wanted to share with you!

I feel like the serenity prayer is proper here with all the stuff you’ve got going on right now. Control what you can and let go of what you can’t, there’s bigger plans in play sometimes. :slight_smile:


#15

So it’s confirmed, she’s pregnant. I had a dream the other night that I had a baby, I think I was pining, in a way. So, we’ll see how this turns out. Kind of bad timing, but is there such thing as good timing?

So the deal with my sister, my folks are paying their way, so letting my newfews join is purely their decision, and I am ok with that. I do need to have that conversation with my sister because it’s just rude, and I need to put up some boundaries. Thanks for listening, I appreciate it. :blush:


#16

Congrats my friend, I’ll be praying all goes well!!