I wanted to continue this thread of my sobriety story, if for nothing else, for myself.
I remember my first real attempt at sobriety like it was yesterday. I was depressed in the beginning because I knew I had to give up my lifestyle. It took about a month before I felt good about myself.
That stretch lasted 58 days. I remember that day, day 59, one away from 60. I was feeling sorry for myself because I felt my wife was picking on me and my good friend from work, who just got fired, text me asking if I wanted to get shitfaced.
My friend knew I was sober, and so by him asking that, I knew he was upset and wanted companionship that night. He had moved from out of state 2 years prior and didn’t have any friends besides me. His career was his life, and he had just lost it for no reason. Anyway, I thought and thought, and I replied to that text, “yeah, i kind of do”. And that was that. I reset.
Few days later, I reset. And a few days again, and again and again. Finally I gave up resetting. I had slid back into my comfort zone, because I don’t know how to say I’m not happy.
That’s all it is. I can’t say im not happy, I cant say im mad or I’m upset or I’m disappointed or I’m scared. I can’t say those things, so I drink instead so that I don’t have to say those things.
I’m a happy drunk. When I’m drunk, all is right in the world and I’m happy as a clam. Whenever life got tough, I reached for the bottle. That was the only way I knew how to deal with those feelings, drink them away until im happy. That’s a sad existence. Pain is required, it lets you know you’re still alive. Pain motivates you to not be in pain anymore. I don’t know pain because I’ve drank it away my whole life.
In September, the 21st to be exact, I decided to get back on that path. It’s easier this time around. I wasnt depressed or as anxious. I knew what to expect do I was better prepared. I also quit nicotine because smoking and drinking go together, and smoking makes me want to drink, so it made sense to quit both.
Overall, this attempt is going pretty good. I need to work on expressing my discontent to those who can influence my feelings, not just friends or strangers. I think that will help me in the long run.
Not sure if there is anything of value, but thanks for reading.