Waking up for the first time


#1

Edi: This is my original post from February 2018.

I’ve been a closet drinker for the past 20 years. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I finally admitted to myself that I have a problem, and it wasn’t until 2 weeks ago that I decided to do something about it.

3 weeks ago, my grandfather passed away. During his funeral, my uncle talked about my grandpa’s drinking problem and how he got clean. He mentioned that addiction has a deep root in our family and we need to be careful. Later that day, at the reception, I got blackout drunk. My wife said I embarrassed her by my actions in front of my family. 2 days later, after another binge, I decided it was time to quit. I didn’t tell anyone, just did it.

Tomorrow night will be day 14. I know it’s not long, but it’s longer than I have gone in 20 years. The first week was emotionally tough, like the old me is slowly dying away and I am in mourning. But the last couple of days, it’s like I woke up for the first time. I’m still in mourning, but each day, the new me, the real me emerges. I can’t wait to meet my new self.


#2

Sorry about your grandfather. Sounds like you’ve have a real tough time. I am hoping to ‘find a new self’ through my sobriety also. It’s encouraging to know that you are starting to feel your new self emerging. Keep going! And keep us updated :relaxed:


#3

14 days is great! I have 7. I think your grandfather would be proud of your 14 days sober.


#4

The funny thing is that the “new” sober me is the real me, the one I’ve been all along. The innocent and creative child that used to explore and try new things has shown herself. She’s a lot more pleasant than the person (the addicted version) I thought I was. I didn’t realize she still existed because I numbed and blocked her out for so long. She’s now at the forefront instead of hiding in the shadow of my dark, alcoholic side.


#5

Sorry about your grandpa. But I bet he would have been proud of you for getting sober. I also am getting to know myself again after a long drunk. Like 15 years. I feel like everything is new again, and I get a real child like curiosity when I’m doing things for the first time sober, or being around people sober. It’s a real gift, so enjoy it! Not everyone gets a chance to start their lives again.


#6

So well said and so much true :slight_smile: like realiving all the things from new :slight_smile:


#7

I wanted to continue this thread of my sobriety story, if for nothing else, for myself.

I remember my first real attempt at sobriety like it was yesterday. I was depressed in the beginning because I knew I had to give up my lifestyle. It took about a month before I felt good about myself.

That stretch lasted 58 days. I remember that day, day 59, one away from 60. I was feeling sorry for myself because I felt my wife was picking on me and my good friend from work, who just got fired, text me asking if I wanted to get shitfaced.

My friend knew I was sober, and so by him asking that, I knew he was upset and wanted companionship that night. He had moved from out of state 2 years prior and didn’t have any friends besides me. His career was his life, and he had just lost it for no reason. Anyway, I thought and thought, and I replied to that text, “yeah, i kind of do”. And that was that. I reset.

Few days later, I reset. And a few days again, and again and again. Finally I gave up resetting. I had slid back into my comfort zone, because I don’t know how to say I’m not happy.

That’s all it is. I can’t say im not happy, I cant say im mad or I’m upset or I’m disappointed or I’m scared. I can’t say those things, so I drink instead so that I don’t have to say those things.

I’m a happy drunk. When I’m drunk, all is right in the world and I’m happy as a clam. Whenever life got tough, I reached for the bottle. That was the only way I knew how to deal with those feelings, drink them away until im happy. That’s a sad existence. Pain is required, it lets you know you’re still alive. Pain motivates you to not be in pain anymore. I don’t know pain because I’ve drank it away my whole life.

In September, the 21st to be exact, I decided to get back on that path. It’s easier this time around. I wasnt depressed or as anxious. I knew what to expect do I was better prepared. I also quit nicotine because smoking and drinking go together, and smoking makes me want to drink, so it made sense to quit both.

Overall, this attempt is going pretty good. I need to work on expressing my discontent to those who can influence my feelings, not just friends or strangers. I think that will help me in the long run.

Not sure if there is anything of value, but thanks for reading.


#8

I’m glad you are here. I can only pray that you don’t fall into that deadly comfort zone again. When we start to feel all of the negative emotions that’s usually when we start to pick up the bottle again. But those are the times we must fight the hardest and stay strong. We can do this I know there is a better sober life out there for us all. We have to keep fighting. Stay strong brother.


#9

Thanks for the kind words, it means a lot to me!

I’m learning to think through my emotions instead of grabbing that bottle first thing. I’ve also decided, the next time I have that f**k it moment, I’m gonna stuff my face with junk food instead of liquor. It’s a lot easier burn off an extra 2000 calories than it is to pull myself out of that dark place again.


#10

Some day even this changes. After a shitty day I love to have good food :blush: Happy belly happy me.