I’m just struggling…a lot. It’s not even that I want to cut, it’s just that I’m feeling numb and empty. cutting was my way of letting me know that I was still alive, I mean I did it for a bunch of reasons, but the main one was that I would be able to know I’m alive. but I can’t do that. usually, if I knew the reason for the trigger of this way I’m feeling I’d try to fix it or whatever, but I can’t fix this. I can open up about it with friends but it’s not going to get rid of it. my mom’s and dad’s words just keep repeating in my head, and today was worse than usual. most of the things they yell at me for, I can change, but it would be changing myself entirely, like my personality and that’s too hard to do. but the thing they are bothering me about is something that I already hate about myself, that I wish I wasn’t born this way and they find the need to make it worse for me. I’m transgender and bisexual. I live with an extremely transphobic mom, who won’t tell me what she thinks of me, she’ll just go to my sister and bitch about me to her. now naturally i ask my sister to let me know when she talks about me, and I do the same for her, and things just keep adding up and up and up and they repeat in my head over and over again. and they are the stupidest things too, it’s my mom saying why she doesn’t want me like bearded dragons because they are born female and some of them will turn to male in adulthood, and she doesn’t want me to have one because she doesn’t want me to be she doesn’t want me like bearded dragons because they are born female and some of them will turn to male in adulthood, and she doesn’t want me to have one because she doesn’t want me to be “influenced” or “think it’s okay” or whatever bullshit she said. it’s the fact that she brags about misgendering my sister’s friend who’s also trans, it’s her saying that I’m not bisexual I’m just confused and figuring out my feelings, it’s my mom telling me I’m in a phase and it will change, that I can’t transition. that when I transition that I’m on my own, that she won’t help me with a penny of it. and I wish I could change to be a normal girl, to be okay with my assigned gender, but I can’t and I already feel bad enough for it, and my mom needs to make me feel worse about it. she wants me to bind in a way that has a 95% chance of me breaking a rib, or collapsing a lung instead of me buying the safest binder in the world. she’d rather me collapse my lung then be trans. and I’m seriously thinking about running away. I am, there’s a homeless shelter a few blocks away, I have friends super close to me I could walk to. I can’t deal with her anymore. I can’t deal with any of this anymore.
I’m so sorry to hear that your mother is not accepting of your struggle and validating your choice. My nephew is transgender and when he was transitioning he had the love and support of us and it was his father that had a problem with it. He has since come around but it breaks my heart to know that the struggle is going on within you to begin with and you’re not getting the support you need. You do whatever you need to do to feel okay and if that’s going to a shelter that’s what you need to do. Please try to avoid cutting if you can I know it’s very painful right now but things will be very different one day. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. I can tell you this when my nephew was trying to hide what he truly was he had a bunch of problems and ever since coming out and transitioning his life has been much more stable. I wish that for you.
I can relate to the cutting…it’s been many years, but the thought still creeps into my head from time to time. I can’t personally relate to being transgender…i do wish I wasn’t a girl many times, but that’s just because of how I feel like I’m viewed by guys/ the world in general. I can only suggest trying to keep on this forum for support. Often times I’ve found that people who don’t understand usually never come to understand. I don’t want to even think of you hurting yourself. You are valuable! You are worth it! You are loved! I don’t think many people understand how deeply words can wound a person and their sense of worth. People say words can’t kill you, but I beg to differ. I think words can truly be more harmful than physical weapons! I know too many people who have taken their own lives over words that have been spoken to them. I wish I could tell you how to get past the desire to cut. The feeling may never go away, it’s just something you kinda have to choose not to do. Back on the subject of words for a hot second…as damaging as words can be they can also be healing. Could you humor me and try something? Look in the mirror every day and out loud say things like you are a beautiful person and I love you and you are worthwhile and you are smart…whatever you want to say as long as it’s something positive…if you want, you can look up something called brain plasticity. Our brains have ways of rewiring themselves and the more positive self talk, the more your brain will accept these thoughts as truths (which they are true btw). I try doing it myself, but it’s not easy to make myself do it. Just try tho…it’s worth a shot! I’ll keep you in my prayers and I really hope something I’ve said can help or is of some sort of comfort! Remember you are worthwhile even if you don’t see it yourself!