I’m not going to go into a whole novel because I don’t think that’ll be helpful. We all know relapse and I have had my first major one since stopping drinking about three years ago. I’ve still not drank but for over a year I’ve been living as a selfish, addict minded prick and I may have ruined the relationship with the person I’d like to marry. I want to clarify, I know this because I realized that love and addiction have been intertwined for so long I didn’t know the difference. I love them and I want to recover so that my addiction isn’t the filter they experience my love through. They are still here although we’re separated (100% my fault) and supportive of my journey but I’ve pushed them away and closed a lot of doors with them. We’re taking slow steps to build that back but I am at such a fragile moment. I’m petrified that I won’t be able to overcome this and that I’ll lose the love of my life to this illness just like my parents, and so many of my family members. I’m scared they’ll realize they don’t actually want to be with me now that the magic has worn away and they see me as an addict. (I was clear with them from day one about my addictions and stopped drinking when we started dating to be better for them, which I know is well intentioned but ill guided) I refuse to give up, even at the most hopeless moments I won’t give up on a true life of happiness with them but I need help. I need help recovering and changing the way I am. I know I need to change but I need the tools and I know I can’t lean on them for any of this. I don’t want to because that’s not what I want our relationship to be. Please, if any of you have advice or just similar experiences you’re willing to share, I’d greatly appreciate it. I want nothing more than to get better.
Welcome to TS, my friend. What other recovery communities have you explored. I would highly recommend AA as that’s truly were the personal self-discovery plan of action is. You do not have to believe in anything at all to get great value out of this fellowship. There are many other communities, but the 12 Steps are truly an amazing roadmap for recovery.
Hey. What a brave and insightful post. Good job reaching out. Have you read anything on co-dependency? Melody Beattie wrote Co-Dependent No More and a few others. Start crawling out of that relapse before it takes you farther down.
If youre feeling too selfish the opposite would be to do for others. Maybe volunteering some of your time would make you more humble
Hi there! I just wanted to say you’re not alone. I know how it is to let your addiction get in the way and ruin your relationship. In the worst of my addiction I was hurting my marriage and my children without even realizing it. I have tried so many times to get sober by myself but I just recently (finally) realized I can’t do it alone. I have decided to start attending AA meetings and reaching out to people I know will help me. Think positive, you are stronger than you think! I wish you the best!
Thank you for the welcome and advice. I’m heavily considering finding a meeting but I feel so unstable right now I can’t get myself to let anyone in. I know it’s a bad way to go about it but the guilt of knowing what loving an addict is like keeps me from being fully open about my struggles. Is that something that’s common? If so what is there any good advice. I want to be brave enough to go to a meeting but I don’t even hang out with my friends right now, Ive gone out maybe four times in the last year.
Hi, thank you! I know I have a deeply rooted co-dependency issue (I use people like drugs if I let myself) and that’s what has lead to this point. I stopped drinking but I never addressed the root issue so my habits just found the next thing that took my mind of the hurt. I want to unlearn codependency so I can be a good partner and show up, be less selfish and more understanding. I’ll check out that book thank you! And I am doing everything I can, Ive been further down this hole before and I know I never want to go back.
I love this idea a lot, I’m just paralyzed when it comes to interacting with new people. (I do know that’s part of the problem 
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Thank you so much for sharing, it helps to know I’m not alone. I know I’m not but that voice is a strong one. I think you’re 100% correct, I’m just tiptoeing the courage to speak up and ask for help. I feel foolish walking into a meeting with so many years of sobriety under my belt, but I think that’s just fear finding an excuse to avoid it. Thank you again, I will not give up! Wishing you all the best as well 
My advice would be to use In The Rooms app to find a virtual zoom meeting to ease yourself into sober connection. Many of those people in zooms have felt exactly like you. There probably are local zoom meetings where you might eventually be able to meet someone IRL.