I feel very nervous posting this, not because I think you all will judge me, but because I have a very hard time opening up. Actually, opening up isn’t the hard part, it’s remaining open after I make myself vulnerable. I am a sex and love addict who has been using phone sex and pornography to avoid being present in the real world. I know for sure that there have been two romantic relationships destroyed (They discovered my addiction) because of it and I am sure the rest were affected by it.
My father introduced me to pornography when I was 5 years old. He caught me dressing up in my mom’s clothes and he was concerned that I was homosexual. Although they were married, my mom was never home, turns out she was having an affair. I used to sneak out of my room and fall asleep on the couch waiting for her to come home. I think I was putting on her clothes because I really really missed her. Eventually she left and moved to Florida with the man she was having an affair with all those nights I waited for her.
After she left, my dad started leaving movies and magazines where I could find and watch pornography any time I wanted. When I was 11, I started calling phone sex lines. At 12 he offered to get a prostitute so he could show me how to treat a woman in bed and also lose my virginity. I said no. That seemed very weird and made me very uncomfortable. I am proud of that decision.
Today, I am 44, never married, and completely lost. I am very lonely, but have learned from a very young age to keep that to myself. I don’t know how to build a relationship with a strong foundation. I usually start by emotionally vomiting my crap all over the new person in my life and then withdrawing and keeping them at arm’s length in my heart the rest of the time. I say in my heart because I will be physically affectionate to keep up the facade that I am invested, but honestly I’m counting down to when I can have a phone sex call or sext chat with some random woman who isn’t going to let me down.
I have been attending SA meetings for a month. My record clean is 10 days. I recently had 7 until I caved last night and spent all evening chatting with a phone sex operator and watching pornography. It seems like I do pretty well with starting clean but once I hit day 5, I start to really crave my fix. For the first couple of weeks, I was calling the guys in my group, trying to stay clean. But there were two nights in a row where someone promised to be available for me and when I made the call they didn’t answer. I’ve been pretty shut down from them and at the last meeting just sat quietly as everyone shared. I jetted out of there as soon as it was over.
I would like to use this as a place where I can come back and post when I am struggling. There is so much positivity and goodwill around here and I really need that in my life. If you stuck around long enough to read all of this, thank you. I hope that everyone has a great weekend.
@Zero_X I have zero experience in this area so I may be completely unhelpful but I just couldn’t read this and bite my lip on it.
First… welcome!! This community is awesome and you’ll find a lot of support and good advice. This group has been one of my saving graces. I can confidently say I wouldn’t be 105 days clean without this group.
Second, what I couldn’t bite my lip over… it sounds like there is an incredibly unhealthy relationship that developed between you and your dad. I don’t know, or need to know, what your relationship is with your dad now, but I hope it has been resolved appropriately. I think it will help significantly, and might be necessary, in your case to seek professional guidance to work through your trauma from childhood. What your mom did is devastating. What your dad did is far more devastating.
Can’t talk much right now Zero. But I did want to welcome you! Thanks for sharing your story with us. Our secrets do keep us sick.
I’m new to SAA. Been in it about a month myself. I’m Mitch and I’m a sex addict. I tried to create my own program to control my acting out for over 5 years after I identified that porn was a problem. I kinda sorta tried to stumble my way through the steps on my own. I feel like I did OK on steps 1 thru 5. Then I hit step 6. I wasn’t fully ready to surrender and to allow my higher power to remove my defects of character. I still thought I could will myself thru it. My ego tricked me into thinking that I didn’t have it as bad as “those people.”
I managed a long stretch without acting out because of the support of this community but I wasn’t addressing the underlying issues by working the steps. I was humbled 33 days ago. Now I’m in SAA to keep my recovery in focus.
You can have the life you want. But you need to be ready to put in the work. Reach out if you need to talk. I’m walking the path with you. Good luck!
Thank you for opening up and getting vulnerable. I hope your post alone helped give away some of the energy this bondage has on your soul of light.
I am a sex, porn and love addict. It’s not as common for women to struggle as extremely with these addictions - but there are some of us who totally get it. My alcohol and marijuana addictions served as supporters for my primary sexual cravings.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (page 70): “If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.”
I have found this to be true. I have become more soul-focused as I’ve seeked ways to help others. Once I started to gain deep love for the souls around me, through helping, I lost more interest in the bodies these souls are dreaming in.
I suggest you educate yourself on your main 7 Chakras. Focus on ways to heal your Sacral Chakra and learn ways to clear some of the traumatic energy stored. Educate yourself on your Divine Masculine. You were created as a Man with important purpose!
Your sexual desires are God-given. I truly believe the Great Mystery wants you to find peace and love with your sexual desires. Connect with your Higher Power!!! Pray out loud, write a God letter, make a fire in the Canyon, take deep breaths next to water - river/Ocean/Lake/etc, look at the moon and simply say “Thank you”, listen to music that helps you feel peace - or find your own way to connect. YOU ARE LOVED! I promise.
If you’re open to the idea - talk with your inner child. Talk out loud as the 44 year old adult today. Write with your non-dominant hand as the sweet 5 year old boy who needs a loving man to reach out. He needs you to love him, show him compassion and validate his pain. Say “hi” out loud. See if you feel encouraged to write “hi” back, with your non-dominant hand. Then… let love do its work. I hope this helps provide you and your lovable inner child some healing. Inner child work has significantly helped me in my own recovery.
Thank you to everyone who has shared their wisdom and support with me so far. I will reply to each of you, but first I would like to thoughtfully consider the words you have shared with me.
I don’t have an answer to your addiction, but I felt so much sadness reading about your childhood. I am a mother if 2 boys, and as a mother figure, I am sending you love and a huge hug.
Like everyone on this site, I am going to be cheering you on!! Today is a new day
My heart breaks for your 5 year old self. I’m also infuriated by your father and his ignorance to what sort of damage he was doing to a child.
I dont necessarily blame your father though. His life must have been a sore disappointment at that time. His wife leaving him with a child to care for. That’s so much responsibility and he must have been overwhelmed. Fear can do something to people.
I’m also a pornography addict. There are a lot of people I could blame for what I’ve become, but it ultimately comes down to my choices. We are dynamic creatures though. People do change. You can change. I can change. Addiction doesnt have to define us or our lives.
I’m really glad you’re here. Stick around and recover with us.
Fellow porn addict here. My addiction also takes the form of fantasy, compulsive masturbation, strip joints, massage parlors, phone sex, using escorts and street prostitutes, indecent liberties, and voyeurism.
I know all too well how chasing after all of these counterfeits to get high has impacted my ability to experience the real thing.
This forum has been a great tool to check in daily with others here. It helps me a great deal.
Thank you for sharing. We are only as sick as our secrets.
Never give up, never.
Would also like to welcome @mountainlove_90. Thank you for coming forward. Hope to hear more from you. There is another women porn addict that recently returned to TS.
Coming out of my world of sex to embrace reality has not been easy. It’s been downright painful. But I don’t regret it. Reality is truly more miraculous than my fantasy ever was.
Day 1 is in the books. I am truly grateful for the outpouring of support I received from you all today. I have seen nothing but positivity and support from each of you. Thank you so much.
@aircircle Thank you for being the first person to welcome me and for tagging those who you thought would be best able to offer support.
@takemetothebeach Congratulations on 105 days! That’s just amazing. For years, I was focused on trying to survive the damage my mom caused. I saw my dad as the person who took care of me, made sure I had a roof over my head and food on my plate. He raised me and for the most part I felt safe with him. Over the last couple of years, it has been heavy on my heart that he sexually abused me by encouraging me to indulge in pornography at such an early age. I don’t think he saw it that way though. I think you are right about getting professional guidance, it has been something I’ve been considering over past week.
@Mtrav0040 I haven’t started working the steps yet, but I want to. The SA meetings that I’m attending require 30 days of sobriety before I can be hooked up with a sponsor to take me through the steps. I want that so badly and I’m learning that having to wait for a sponsor is not typical. The way it is right now, I feel like it’s going be a long time before I make it 30 days and can get a sponsor. I am thankful to be on this walk through recovery with you.
@mountainlove_90 Thank you for all of your suggestions and ideas. I could feel the love as I read your words. I have never heard of the Divine Masculine. I am intrigued. I’ve been thinking about the idea of inner child work all day. That really struck a chord with me, and I believe it would be enlightening and full of healing possibilities. I believe in you too!
@ALC227 Thank you, and I’m sending you a huge hug right back.
@DungeonMaster I absolutely agree, at a certain point, my addiction became about my choices. I am ready to make better, healthier choices. You’re right, we are dynamic creatures and addiction doesn’t need to control our lives.
@KevinesKay I will not give up, but it has been painful to make this change. I have conditioned myself to give in to my addiction without a second thought. Now that I’ve admitted that I’m sick with a sex and love addiction, my demons are not happy. I’m doing my best to embrace reality and leave the fantasies in the rearview mirror.
I’ve found a lot of relief through this community. Anyone who dedicates themselves toward a program and has accountability is heading toward success. Stick around!
Day 2. This has been a struggle but I made it. I woke up thinking about the last phone sex operator I connected with. After our call we text/sext for a while and I felt a real connection. I know this is what she gets paid to do, but I fall for it everytime. Anyway, I checked the website to see if she had messaged me. Of course, she hadn’t so I started to scroll but only for a minute before I heard my higher power saying, “Yo, what are you doing there?” I listened instead of ignoring and doing what I wanted to do. Had I continued, I would say I need to reset. As it is that is a victory for me and I will take all the victories I can get, big or small.
I’ve been very sensitive to stimuli today. This is where it gets difficult to maintain abstinence without accountability. I’ve been researching online for SAA meetings in my area. Turns out there are several that I can attend throughout the week and that can be another arrow in my quiver.
I also found a setting on my phone called Zen mode. It basically bricks my phone except for emergency and incoming calls for up to an hour. There was a three hour stretch where invoked Zen mode because I knew I was going to stumble if I stayed on my phone. Luckily I have a work laptop and I won’t dare to use it for pornography or phone sex. Ready or not, Day 3, I’m on my way.
I can relate to having no self control when it comes to my smartphone. I use an app called, “Lock Me Out.” I have it automatically block all web browsers and the Play Store for pretty much the entire day. Wouldn’t be able to maintain sobriety without it.
A warm welcome to the TS family (that’s how I call the lovely people on here who kinda became my second family) @Zero_X.
I can not offer you any wise words on your addiction. I am addicted to alcohol…
But I almost had tears in my eyes when I read about your childhood. As a mother of two wonderful boys I would never want any child to have to wait for their mom so many nights!! Just this thought makes me very sad.
You can be very proud that you opened up here. I wish you very well on your journey.
Its a very good app. As long as I set it right, there’s no way I can access porn or uninstall/disable the app. Reseting your phone won’t work either.
I have my locks set to expire at 11:59pm each day and to automatically restart at midnight. So there is a 1 minute window. The app doesn’t allow me to restrict it further. But its the best thing I’ve found and its working real well for me.
I can’t tell you the dozens of times I’ve wanted to act out on my phone but I couldn’t because of these locks. And I’ve regained clarity before deciding to buy a new device.
Hi @anon35096624, thank you for welcoming me. It means a lot that you would take time to encourage me. I think that even though we have different addictions, we still understand that our struggles unite all of us. I hope you had a great day today.
Day 3. Today was pretty good, all things considered. I had decided to get out to see a movie for Labor Day. As I was pulling into the theater parking lot, I noticed that something wasn’t right. When I checked my back tires, one of them was flat. I decided to take my car to the Discount Tire down the road, but they were closed. In hindsight I should have called roadside assistance right then but I decided to try and take back roads and drive home. My tire blew out and is completely annhialated. I stayed calm and thanked God for leading to a parking lot where I was able to pull off the road safely and wait for a tow truck. I wasn’t really faced with the urge to act out. I believe it’s because I kept my composure and wasn’t too hard on myself for making the decision to try to drive on it that I wasn’t triggered to act out.
Day 4 (yesterday) - I acted out yesterday. Today, I have felt like a total failure. I’m not really sure how to put it in words. I guess, I feel like a fraud. I feel like I’ve let so many people down over the past couple of years as I allowed my addiction to dictate my actions. I’ve lost a fiancee, close friendships, my integrity, and my own sense of self worth for it. None of those things mattered as I settled in to feed the cravings. Instead I justified my actions to myself. My demons told me to lie about my sobriety, no one will know. Keep doing it because it makes you feel good and there isn’t anyone else doing that for you. You know this isn’t hurting anyone now because you’re all alone and no one is depending on you anymore. You’re free to be as selfish as you want to be. And I listened, because I wanted to believe that it’s true. Actually, it’s more like I don’t want to believe there is hope for me. Because if there is hope and I keep falling then I have to admit this is all my fault. I find myself wanting to believe that there is nothing I can do about it. Then I could just go on acting out and not care about sobriety. Hey, you can’t blame me. But that’s not reality. The reality is that I do care about my sobriety which is why it devastates me when I don’t keep my promises to myself or to those I feel accountable to. I am learning that I can’t trust myself. I don’t have my best interest at heart. I know this, but I tend to forget the pain, heartache, and lack of self I’m going to face after acting out. It was so much easier when I was blind to it all.
Maybe try reading a book I found in early attempts at sobriety called Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. It helped me to deal with that inner voice a little bit.
You’ve gotta learn to let go of the shame and the guilt. It’s resentment towards yourself and it only drives us back to acting out.
When I’m feeling like that I try to work to find some gratitude for anything positive in my life. I try to shift the focus away from the negative and make something positive out of the day. Then try to take another step in the right direction. Call in to a meeting, call a sponsor or text a recovery partner, read about recovery, exercise. Whatever it takes.
