Weird dream/thoughts

My bf and I are rewatching breaking bad, and last night we watched the episode where Jesse (addict) crashes at his parent’s house for a couple of days and you see he has a kid brother. The kid brother seems like a star student and athlete and musician, and his parents seem to adore and support him. They treat Jesse very differently and it is clear that they have had to cut him out of their lives many times due to his addiction and behavior. I knew a person just like that with a family just like that, eerily similar. I had a dream about that person last night. That episode always makes me think of that person and makes me unbelievably sad. And I knew this person before I ever became an alcoholic, and to have since been in an addiction type of position(although their DOC was different) I feel just so sobered (no pun intended) when I think of that person. I was close to them for a while, and I really wanted to help them and love them, but even back then i knew i couldn’t help someone who wasnt ready. They were arrested and jailed during the time I was close to them, and I decided I couldn’t have them in my life either. I wrote a letter telling them that and gave it to them when they were bailed out/returned to their parents house. I hated myself inside and out for it because I knew he just needed support, but i couldn’t help him. And then i went on to become an alcoholic. I’m almost 7 months sober now and sometimes I wonder if i ever see them again what i would say. What could you say to someone like that. I would just want them to know they’re not alone and I am still so sorry for what I had to do, and I am so sorry I couldn’t say it, I had to write a letter. I didnt want to have to cut them out because I deeply care about them and it hurt my heart to see their addiction take off and I know it is so, so hard. It feels so complicated and now being an addict myself with some sobriety time makes me absolutely no better than them, but this situation perplexes me and gives me a lot of perspective.
Edit to add: ever since my own mental health problems started when I was 16, I’ve never believed people with addictions or mental health problems are failures, because in treatment that young I saw how recovery turns people around. I empathize so easily and so deeply with people with addictions and mental health problems, and that’s part of why it hurt so bad to give him a note and leave him. I know he is not a no-life with no chance. He absolutely is not

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I feel you. Your post really resonates with me. I really hope the person you knew is in recovery and doing better. I know it’s not easy to walk away.

You’re right, usually if they aren’t ready, no amount of support will help. And who knows maybe you helped them reach out and get support at a rehab sooner since you weren’t there to lean on.

I often wonder if I was taking away someone’s “bottom” by trying to help them for so long. Or maybe I was a reason for them to keep using. I was just so worried he would die. Anyways, it was out of my hands.

That’s really great about your days, congratulations on 7 months :white_heart:

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Thanks, I’m glad someone can understand. It hurts so much how things often have to transpire with people because of the way addiction is. It hurts to not be able to help or get someone to “see the light”. And at the same time I know what it is like to be that person needing to see the light, and I am extremely aware of what lengths I will go to get my DOC because the addiction is so strong and I have not decided to get better, even when I have people rooting for me, it doesnt matter. And it’s just like, you cant do a single thing in either position. I’ve been quietly stewing about this and still caring about this person for all these years and and I guess this is all coming up because I’m going home this weekend and I always get paranoid about seeing people like this person who used to be in my life.

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That’s a lovely post Lisa,

Do you know where that person is now. I’m sure they would love to receive a letter like that right now, to know that you care. :hugs:

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You’re a such a wonderful emotional and deep thinker :heart: I always like to think that we meet people in life for a reason. You obviously know why this person was in your life. Can you imagine all the new people in your future that you will meet! It’s an exciting concept. I agree with @Piglet You should find that person and reach out :grinning:

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I think I found their instagram. I will think about it! It’s a little tough of a decision, whether to break the silence or not. I just dont want to hurt them or upset/trigger them in any way

Thank you so much! Yeah. I might. I have decided if i do see them in town this weekend i think i will go up and say hi at least… when I posted my ramblings I wasnt even sure if I should do that.

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I added them on instagram and messaged them. I just sent them this (in response to their “how are you”)
I’m okay. Mental health problems have followed me and I’m really functional but that doesnt make it any easier, just means I have to hide it. I think about you a lot though over the years as I’ve gone through my own addiction. I know things were rough the last time we were seeing each other but I just wanted to say there is no hard feelings. It is so, so hard.
I’m 9 months sober and having been in an addiction myself since the last time we saw each other, I just want to say I feel for you and yes it really sucks lol

Very hopeful this feels helpful or positive for them.