I was surprised at how easy quitting was for me. There have been a few unexpected ups and downs but it was easy overall. Now, things are working out kind of slowly and I guess I just thought it would be better. I had the idea that quitting would solve all my problems, and it was all shiny and new kind of, you know what I mean? Come to find out, all of my problems are still here and they were part of the reason I turned to drugs and alcohol. I quit drinking several years ago, but I replaced it with meth, how stupid it is in hindsight! My family troubles are still needing dealt with, I cannot work yet while I have to take random drug tests, go to treatment and deal with probation, no one wants to give an employee that much time off. It’s been hell for my family the last 7 years, and now that I am clean I figured things would go back into place, as they were before. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. Trust and respect are never the same once you eff them up, and time is something I can never give back to someone after all these years. My son is used to me being unreliable and our relationship was strained. I know he loves me and he knows I am doing my best, but I dont know if he can learn to trust me again. I pray that he can. And my close friends and the rest of my family are nice enough but they too are used to me missing family functions like I did when I was high. Now I am not even invited to most of them because they dont think I will show up anyway. I honestly thought quitting was the answer and that all my life would go back to normal. As it turns out, I have another mountain of problems created by my own doing. And a whole truck load of unfamiliar emotions like anger at myself and situations. Regret for things I’ve done and things I missed out on. And guilt. That’s in a category all by itself, and I dont know where it’s going anytime soon. And I’m not going back to drugs, not ever. I just wish I could have been prepared for all these things new and old. Oh, dont forget crying about everything too. That’s new to me. A song, or a new feeling that’s been locked away for however long, almost everything makes me cry.
Did you just stop using or did you improve mental health too. If you havent worked on your mental problems, than you haven’t really been in recovery mentally, which may explain a lot.
For the record, this is not me accusing you, but me offering a possible explanation
I totally understand. And I appreciate it. I haven’t done anything to improve my mental health. Do you have any suggestions about where I can start? I know that is probably vague, but I dont know how else to phrase it.
I think what you describe goes for all of us Danielle. Congrats on becoming sober and clean. And now the real work begins… Quitting all is the best thing I did for myself. Ever and period. Yet here I am, over a year all clean and my problems seem as big as ever. But that only seems to be. I see my problems so much better now I’m clean so they seem bigger. When I was under the influence all my problems where covered and muted. Now they are out in the open so I can work on them. It’s hard and tedious work but absolutely necessary if I want to find some happiness in life. And again I think that goes for all of us. We’re inthis together Daniella. We’re working this stuff together. Happy you’re here. Together we go two steps forward and one back,. Onward and upward. Slowly. But we do. Sober and clean. Hugs.
Thank you. It is true. They were pushed under the rug. I thought I was doing great since I have 118 days clean, until I realized I am angry resentful and the guilt from the last 7 years has gotten heavy. I didn’t realize it’s much more than counting days, I am going to need help with some things. That’s a hard one to admit, damn.
But you given yourself the best chance at fixing most if not all of that just by choosing to be sober 
so kudos! Some people are never able to make that choice. But what you said about assuming things would go back… Backwards is never an option at any stage of life. Ever. And frankly, you wouldn’t care this much about your family, not working, being better, being forgiven or included had you not spent the last 7 years the way you have. It damaged a lot sure, but it’s given you experience you never would have gained any other way and perspective! You now know how much these things mean to you, and that’s wonderful. Just keep showing up, communicate and seek forgiveness where you can, show willingness to fit back in with your family. And take it from me, a daughter who’s father has spent the last 5 years fucking up and absent… We’ll forgive you, as long as the lesson is learned and you don’t leave us again stay strong, keep moving FORWARD! Put in the work, and you’ll start to see progress, and hopefully your expectations will even be surpassed
We tried to help ourselves by drugging and boozing. That sort of worked until it didn’t. And now it never will again and that’s a good thing. Admitting we need help is actually the first step in all 12 step programs and while I’m not a 12 stepper myself I think it’s absolutely necessary to realise and understand and accept the fact that indeed alone we are helpless. We need help. Not just with facing and battling addiction but with life in general. Admitting that is not a sign of weakness it’s a sign of strength. Alone is just that. We need each other.
Can I jump on the back of your question also. I think therapy is a great place to start. However this can be costly. Next best thing for me was reading.
I started with “Reasons to Stay Alive” by Matt Haig. He has several best seller books.
I was into sad poetry, it helped me make quick succinct sence of how I was feeling.
Personally I search for books written about my particular issues. Depression in Adolescents, bereavent, infidelity, anxiety, depression and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Just search Amazon for topics you think might be your core issues and you’ll find personalised reads for you.
After establishing my sore points within my metal health, I recovered from my depression and anxiety and sought other ways to better myself and make amends. Which brought me here. I started reading about sobriety, (you can find books specific to drugs or alcohol, or anything really) and now it’s a choice I’ve made.
Soon I’ll look into books on binge eating disorders, imposter syndrom and more books on CBT.
Meditation Podcasts. When you’re eyes are too tired for reading. Even if it’s just to help you sleep, release some guilt etc, it really help subdue me when I started to feel things getting out of hand.
Reaching out. I know mental health is such an isolating thing, that before you even consider the shame, guilt and embarrassment you harbour around how you’ve behaved. It’s difficult to reach out to family and friends, but get out and get involved. It helps you find you again, what kind of people you like, who’s good for you, who’s fun, who’s supportive, developing new hobbies, re-establishing new ones.
Start with number 1
Like Menno suggested, do the twelve steps. I personally haven’t done them, but I’ve done a simplified version of it at my rehab. I found out that writing down a list of what makes me angry really helped and I ask myself four questions
- Who hurt me?
- How did they hurt me?
- What part of me was hurt?
- What did I do to get hurt?
Clarification for question 1: This can be anything or anyone. If you were to have a problem with Dutch or a problem with horses. Anything can have upset us.
Clarification for question 2: This is a simple description of what happened.
Clarification for question 3: This question is for both physical AND mental. If someone kicks you, your legs were hurt maybe, but also your relationship with them. if someone calls you fat, that will likely hurt your self-esteem. Try really finding everything that was affected.
Clarification for question 4: In every that hurt you, you’ve done something to cause it. If you call someone a name or if you cheat on them or if you invade their personal space etc…
But what if someone calls you fat for no reason, have you done something then? Have you told them to stop? If not there you have it, unless they don’t stop after you ask. Have you told them that it hurts you and why it hurts you? If you did and they don’t stop, then you have to accept that, you can’t change them and they are assholes. Telling people that someone hurt you and why can make the pain go away. If you haven’t done that then that could also be the answer to the question.
Abuse is not your fault. If you were abused, don’t answer the fourth question, that will only cause a lot of doubt in yourself.
This question is so that you can see things that you have done wrong repeatedly in the past. If you know what mistakes you keep making, you can pay more attention to those in new but similar situations.
An example of mine
- Wooden blocks.
- They kept falling down as I was trying to put them up straight in a grass field.
- My patience.
- I was impatient and didn’t take the time to flatten the ground underneath them properly.
This obviously is a very tame one, but you can do it for every situation that causes you pain.
Then there’s the other list. the list of people that YOU have hurt.
- Who did I hurt?
- How did I hurt them?
Question 1 doesn’t need clarification I suppose, but question 2 does.
Only mention what YOU have done. Don’t put the blame on others, even if they are to blame.
Once someone was trying to steal my bike from me. I was scared, so I pulled a knife. He told me to piss off and he told me I wouldn’t have the guts to stab me. He challenged me, so I stabbed him. My knife was very blunt, it didn’t even poke a hole in his jacket, but I did stab him.
If I were to use this example, then I wouldn’t write down most of that. I would write down: I stabbed them. That’s all.
If someone hits me, and I hit back, I only write: down I hit them.
This question not only goes for physical things but for example also bullying, calling names, cheating etc…
If you’ve finished the list, you look up the people you’ve hurt and apologize. As long as bringing it up doesn’t cause them or you to be hurt.
This is very useful to start working on your mental health. If you need more suggestions, just ask me.
Thank you. I love reading and self improvement myself. I honestly love this idea. Thank you so much.
Thank you. I honestly appreciate you and your time and I will do these things. I feel better just having answered some of them while I was reading.
They say service heals, especially when we can turn our hurts and trauma into wisdom and empathy for another. Thank you, God! That way it is not all for nothing.
It felt like my addiction was solving my problems. Instead it was making me numb to them. I had a lot of unexplainable crying too. It all sounds familiar.
This is great slf help. I can benefit from this. Thanks.
It makes sense that something that took years to tear down, will take some time to rebuild. Also, we experience internal change much faster than what is observable by others. I know my wife didn’t stop holding her breath, waiting for the relapse, until I had a good 6 months of sobriety. But, with each day that passed without me drinking, things got a little better, and she relaxed a little bit more. Now she believes I’ll never drink again.
Just keep getting better at getting better, and things will get better and better. Better today than they were yesterday, and tomorrow better still.