My exgf and I were addicts.
My change in mentality came during last winter. I started to notice things she was saying stopped making sense. She was also getting worse using wise. So i slowly started tappering off in hope to lead by example. That wasn’t the case. Fast forward to early December 2017. She tells me she thinks people are after her and trying to kill her. At this point we have been together just under four years. So we know kne w one anothers friends. Hell, all our friends were the same lol. So I really began to worry about her mental health. One night, we were using she had fabricated a crazy story and said she needed to get away. That she was going to the airport and was just gonna hop a flight. Where? No clue? For how long? No idea.
At this point im beyond worried for her. I feel like i wasnt even able to get high. So I try and talk her back to reality which I was always able to do. This time wasnt one of those times. I get emotional and tell her how scared I am for her. I also make the case that where ever she wants to go she shouldnt go alone. After all. While our relationship not being in the best place at that moment I love her more than life itself. So i talk her into us just jumping in the car and driving to Colorado. She agrees. We sleep maybe five hours. As soon as she wakes up she is in a better mood. She then gets high and were back to this " people are coming for me! I need to leave scenario." So i help her pack some clothes. I had like three days worth of clothes in a backpack. (I moved out a few months prior but was still at her house everyday) we hit the road after picking up tree. We drive for like 8 hours straight. Make it half way thru Iowa before pulling over. For awhile it was great. We were communicating without arguing(finally). Day two. She says she wants to detour and see her sis in Iowa. I figure why not. We drive past the city like three times. The frustration started to hit. Meth and getting somewhere at a specific time dont mix. We give up around 10. Find a hotel. After all the frustration we finally calm down. Together. We take a bath together. Order room service and relax. It really felt like we were us again. I think as we both sobered up we started to appreciate one another again. It was beautiful. We go to leave in the am and check out. We continue our drive and get midway thru Nebraska. Thats when things take a turn for the worse. Her mood started to sour. I asked what was wrong and BAM. Freakout mode on her part. We pull over at one of those parks where you can camp and shit. We talk, argue, settle down and chill. Then around one am she is like lets go home. I figure ok. Why not three days on the road. We got out of Minnesota and the snow for awhile. All in all a plus. WRONG!!! LOL
I tell her im gonna sleep another 30mins then ill take over and drive. I wake up to flashing lights. We had been pulled over by Nebraska’s finest. Clocked her doing 90. So after the big production that is this speeding ticket. They let us go. We take a nap at a truck stop. The next morning she is out. She definitely is on full out sobriety mode which means like most meth addicts sobering up she is sleeping HARD!!! So I continue making her our journey back home. Mildly insecure because she is sleeping and I havent drove much out of state and was more than aware of our current currency.
After a few hours, i wake her up. Tell her we are a couple hours from home and would really like it if she drove for a bit. She obliged. Then things progressively got worse and rather scary. It was like the closer we got home the more she got crazy. I started loosing my cool. We argue. Screaming at one another. Neither of us listening to one another because we were only thinking of our personal perspective and not how the other felt or was going thru. I know that now. At the time however I did not.
Its at this point where she blasted me in the mouth. . While DRIVING!!! Im in the passenger seat. She is driving and a fist smashes my face and lips. I look over and see her jerk the car in reaction like I was going to strike her back. Which really irritated me. I definitely wasn’t going to hit her. I love her. After that i sit in silence, kind of crying kind of not. I just keep looking at the blood on my hand. We pull over at a gas station. She goes inside and gets food. I go to the bathroom and clean up. We barley talk. When we do its all dramatic moments of “when we get home its over” i cant believe you hit me, your a fuckin psycho and need professional help"
After sometime we make it to the mn border coming up from Iowa. Im driving . She says she wants to go to her parents in Wisconsin. I think thank god. Maybe they can help her and I.
Fast forward
We arrive at her parents. Babe is completely on one. She is pulling out all this paperwork which i didnt even know she brought with us. She had some how gotten it in her head that her parents werent her parents and all this other stuff. Her mom being the cool calm and collected women she is, looks over to me and mouths “how long has she been like this” I reply three weeks… Thats when it hit me. Wtf?!! This is the woman I love. She has been like this for three weeks. Wtf have I been doing? Why haven’t I tried to help her more! In that moment I realized her and I both fucked up. We let our addiction take everything. Our apt. My job. Our friends. Everything. Her mother then calls my gfs sister who is a RN. She comes over and does a mini lowkey eval. I play the background and help with chores around the house during the session. Then her sis asks to speak with me. She asks me a whole list of questions to which I immediately start crying. I feel nothing but guilt and shame for not being a better partner. I also feel shame because as far as her family knew her and I were fine and happy. Which must have been a shocking revelation to have us show up at their door. 20lbs under weight and clearly not healthy.
The following day my gf, her mother and me bring her to the hospital for the official evaluation. It takes like two hours. Which for that two hours gave her mom the chance to play “lets get to know Silas” so her mother and I talk. I never really had a mom, let alone anyone to speak to about real meaningful shit. So i just open the flood gates. Tell her everything that has been going on (aside from her daughter cheating on me. Because after all thats our problem and doesnt really effect that present moment)
Her mom the wonderful person she is asks us to stay a few more days. Under the pretense we dont use and we help out on the farm. We agree. My gf seems immediately happier to be home. Which in turn soothes my anxiety. Her parents then drive to Minnesota and basically mover all her stuff from her place back to her parents.
Fast forward two weeks or so. (I been wearing the same three outfits for weeks now) i get a call from my aunt who lives a few towns over from the gfs parents. She asks me to house sit while she’s gone for three days. I said why not. After all i just been doing farm work and dealing with the gf i could use a break and a lil me time. Little did i know that choice changed everything.
When the gf came back from work, i obviously wasnt there. She immediately was triggered with abandonment. I should also mention i didnt tell her anything about me leaving for three days prior to my leaving. So we argue. I calm her down i tell her i would be back on Saturday and everyrhing is fine. I reassure her we will spend xmas together that sunday and go to church. (We had picked up going to church in our shared sobriety) well Saturday rolls around and she just is on bitch-mode. Nothing i say or do is right. So out of spite i say fuck it im going back home to MN. If you dont appreciate me while im here fuck it. I clearly was feeling some kind of way. After all i did put my entire life on hold for a road trip which then transitioned to me living in WI for about a month.
We have one last phone conversation. She says she thinks we should break up for awhile. Still spiteful i take it very hard. Once again thinking only about my perspective and not hers. Im filled with victim-esque statements like “i stopped everything i was doing to be here for you because i love you and care” to which im sure all she heard was “i stopped everything i was doing for you” so after tears and tears and tears. I spend xmas alone… Then new years eve rolls around… I spent that with a friend but pretty much alone. Me and my now ex gf at midnight sent one another pics of each other crying. How beautifully heart breaking right. After the ball drops NYE. I feel semi decent about myself. I had been sober for nearly a month. Then I get triggered. A friend stops by and asks if i wanted to get high. I imagine it was due to me falling off the face of the earth for a few weeks but he was curious where the hell I been and shit. We get high and i just rant like i did in this post. That then leads me to spending this January high most of the month. I struggle with what I actually want to do. All the while me and the exgf are talking but not talking. Idk.
I used heavily til sixteen days ago. Half inspired by my ex doing so well. She is almost three months sober and half inspired by my need to no longer be on drugs. That monday sixteen days ago. I woke up. Downloaded this app. Since then, I been going to NA meetings and an active member of this group.
I know i left out some details I will probably need to talk to a therapist about at some point but I wanted to share this. I still cry everytime I want to share at meetings which leaves me mute. So telling my story to you people really really means alot to me. Truly!!!
Thank you!!!
I bookmarked this question so I can come back to it and answer it(I am not ready to say the full reason out loud, no one fully knows why, I do not even know if I fully know why).
Being close to 100 lbs overweight, hating looking at myself, worrying about diabetes, and realizing my life is dictated by food. I can’t wear what I want, I feel insecure and embarrassed in public, and I realized how absurd it is that I get so emotional and upset if I don’t binge eat.
On April 1 2016 we lost our baby. Neither of us took it very well but I turned to alcohol very hard. I would drink each night i could until I couldn’t drink anymore. I became mean and shut everyone off to me, even my other kids. I always liked to drink too much when I would be out or having people over but this was way worse. One night I went too far. I had enough and chugged a litre of tequilla, a litre of fireball and tried but failed to chug a gallon of whiskey. I stopped breathing that night after vomiting up everything I had in me until all I had left was blood to puke. After leaving the emergency room the next day I had realized after me giving up on everybody and anything that everyone was giving up on me. I had mentally hurt my fiance who was suffering enough, my family and friends and most importantly my children. I still had them in my life and I wasnt being the father I should be. I’ve been sober since. Cold turkey. No help. I had to do it on my own and though there are days I feel I want a drink I’ve stayed strong. 556 days sober today.
I also lost a babe and turned to boos.
I’m really sorry to hear that. It’s the hardest thing no one should ever have to go through. You can always message me if you ever want to talk
I can relate to your story Janzie, mine was vodka everywhere.
I dident know who I was anymore. I’d lied, cheat and steal to get my fix. Each morning was like the movie groundhog day, wondering how I’m going to get my fix. Such a vicious cycle. I’m very thankful where I’m at now and don’t want to be that guy anymore. Day 260 one day at a time 
I was diagnosed with PCOS, a condition connected to type 2 diabetes, infertility and heart disease and my doctor told me I had to lose weight. I thought ‘why not stop drinking.’ My mind reacted so violently against the idea that I had to stop. I said to myself ‘If you don’t give up drinking you could die 20 -30 years early.’ And my brain responded simply with ‘fine.’ And completely meant it. In one swoop the denial was gone and I was faced with the destructive nature of my drinking. I knew I had to stop.
Going to the doctors for depression and was asked about my drinking habits. It was the first time I was honest to someone about how much I was drinking and admitted to them and myself it needed to stop. Was probably the hardest time in my life to stop with 4 weekends of celebrations coming up! But…22 days sober and the first weekend behind me. Bring on the next 3 
I am really sorry to hear that you lost your baby. I know what that feels like. It’s hard to breathe, every day feels like a drag. And you being around people feels so uncomfortable. Being around children is hard. I hope that each day you get stronger.
I hope that you and your partner will be ok and find a way through this together.
I wish I could do it. I have pcos too. When I last gave up the booze and reduced my calorie intake I lost 3 stone in 3 months. But ended up drinking again and have put 2 stone back on. I just don’t seem to be able to kick the drinking habit. When I don’t drink I feel like I’ve lost a freind. Also when I don’t drink my sugar cravings are terrible. I’m sure pcos doesn’t help.
Sorry just realized the original post was a year ago.
That’s all good. I’m still here. Congrats on losing the weight the first time. I’ve ended up losing 15 kilos since then which is about 2.3 stone. I’m sorry you’re having trouble staying sober. I totally understand the feeling of losing a friend. It’s so difficult to cut out something you’ve built your life around. But you end up making new ‘friends’ as new things become important. Good luck to you! P.S. if you haven’t already talk to your doctor about being put on Metformin. For me it helped with needing to eat so much and I lost heaps of weight after that too.