What I am learning, maybe it will help someone out there

motivation
sobriety
alcohol

#1

Got myself to another AA meeting today. Am 10 days in and drove there feeling meh… I’ll be the first one to tell me that I am an alcoholic. I can ADMIT that. But I’ve been having trouble ACCEPTING it. Accepting that I need to work a recovery program for the rest of my life. I’m an impatient person. I just want a quick fix. A cure. Get healed and then continue on with my life. But it doesn’t work that way. And whilst I am impatient, this disease isn’t. I know that from experience.

Up until 4 years ago, I had 10 years sobriety. Attended AA meetings for 18 months, helped chair meetings, worked through the 12 steps and then feeling strong and ‘cured’ I left the meetings behind. For 10 years my disease lay waiting. Waiting for that sliver of a crack to appear. The complacency. The weakness of will. For 10 whole fucking years it sat quietly in my body waiting. It saw the sliver of opportunity and started to whisper it’s little voice in my ear. And I listened. I believed everything that it said. I’m not really an alcoholic. I bet I can control my drinking. On and on. But guess what? This voice is not my friend. It’s my enemy and it wants to destroy me.

I learnt alot in my meeting today. I’ve learnt that I’m looking too far ahead thinking I have to work this program for the rest of my life. I only need to worry about today. Today I will work the program. Today I will not pick up that first drink. Just for today. And besides working a program for the rest of my life to ensure my sobriety is a small price to pay for my sanity. The flip side of that coin is much much worse. I lived 10 years sober. I didn’t fight and constantly fight to survive through life. I lived it. I managed it. I had peace and I was happy. I was productive and I was a positive presence for people. I want that back.

Someone shared today that when they first came into the rooms they were convinced they weren’t an alcoholic because peoples stories didn’t relate to them. She hadn’t lost her family. Her job
Her husband. Her house. But the more she listened the more she realised what every alcoholic has in common. Our thought processes. Our mental battles. We all share the same way of thinking. And that’s why I feel like I belong on here. Why I feel like I’m home when I go to a meeting. These people get me! I get them! And we all have good intentions. We want all of us to get better. Old timers come up or pass me and say ‘its so good to see you again’ ‘im so happy you keep coming back’. They want to help. They want to see fellow members achieve and maintain sobriety. I walked out of that meeting today with a completely different mindset. I’m happy I get to go to meetings for the rest of my life. I have somewhere to go to where I am understood. I am supported. I can laugh, cry, yell, learn and be accepted. And help other people while I am at it.

I feel like I know so much because I’ve been in and out of recovery for so long but at the same time i know so little. I’m treating this recovery like it’s my first time in AA. taking it back to the beginning. I got a ladies phone number today, had a really good talk with her and she’s going to ring me at 4pm today as that’s my trigger time. She said she’s ringing me at 4pm so that I pick up the phone and not the drink. I’m feeling so grateful right now. I’m in tears typing. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. Because I deserve it. My kids and family deserve it. And I’ve been so broken that I don’t ever want to go back there again. And I won’t. Not if I take it a day at a time, stop being stubborn and actually reach out for help when needed and just do whatever i damn well have to do. My enemy will not get the last word and win.


#2

I had 9yrs. I went into a relapse before I picked up. I too chaired meetings, sponsored, went to jails and treatment center. I lost my business in the crash. I then picked up. Now 10 years later i finally made it back. I have 45 days. Never in these 10yrs did i think i could even get a week in. I am truly the real deal. Always have been. But me too Im having a bit of trouble being the new comer and I know nothing. The one thing I do know is it gets better. And once we get healthier and abstinent we dont think that far ahead about doing this forever. We just have one day sometimes the moment. I have had a horrible 2 days. I am getting though it though. Good luck! Glad you are back to the road of recovery.


#3

So glad to hear you found the path to recovery again also and sorry to hear the past 2 days have been tough. Dealing with a hangover and pushing that reset button would be tougher though so well done! Yeah at first I was resentful that I lost my 10 years sobriety but now I am grateful that I had that. And that I know how good it can be.


#4

This! This this this this this! You are my hero.

I’ve been touch and go with drinking for about 16 years now. Most of that time I thought I was a normie. I’ve been through some CBT for anxiety, then for alcohol. I read books including (starting…) the Big Book. At first I thought I’d be okay without a program like I had it figured out or something. Last time around something was gnawing at me. All these odd round about things about a higher power, not doing it alone, yadda yadda. It made some sense. But before I got myself to a meeting a few months passed and, bam, three more years blurred by.

Being here, now, reading everyone’s experiences, remembering to hit the daily check in, everything you just said about being in that meeting… I dunno. I still have a long way to go. But to really be that positive force will mean, yes, abstaining. But also pushing past myself. Taking care of myself while also living for others. Accepting that I am vulnerable. That, for me, drinking is isolation and escape. That the temptation to retreat will always be there, but so can all these reminders, encouragement, and reasons to do better than that.

I dunno. Work in progress here. This forum is helping me understand what I only guessed a program might have a book or an article doesn’t. It’s something I need to at the very least try because it’s probably the piece I’m missing. Thank you. You are awesome and this helped me!


#5

Im so glad it helped you. And we are all a work of progress. Continually growing and learning. It doesn’t stop x


#6

Thanks for your share it lets people know that even with a length of soberiety its only a day at a time, i explain that to my guys when i take them through the steps that its only for the day and were never free from that wee guy in your head when our guard is down telling us that its ok to lift that drink . wish you well


#7

Thank you!


#8

Wow, this is a great post and such a reminder for all of us about our journey. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and wisdom, coming back here after a rocky start and being the courageous warrior you are. One day at a time is definitely the way for me as well. When I can stay present and remember right now, today is the day that matters I stay straight and sober. Thank you for sharing!


#9

100% agree! And you’re welcome. I try to give back what I receive x


#10

This is great! Thanks for sharing!


#11

Thank you soooo much for posting. I needed to read your words of wisdom today.


#12

So happy it has helped you today! Words of wisdom though I’m not so sure haha more like ramblings and trying to digest and cement what I’m learning so far. Appreciate your kind words though, have a lovely weekend @SweetTea x


#13

I am going to walk like a peacock. I have my 60 days today:) its getting easier. I finally put 2 good weeks together with no drama. I hope you are doing well beckster


#14

Thanks @Troy818 I needed reminding over this thread. Much appreciated. Congrats on 60 days and ita so good to hear that the past 2 weeks have been drama free for you!

[quote=“Becsta, post:1, topic:40574”]
Not if I take it a day at a time, stop being stubborn and actually reach out for help when needed and just do whatever i damn well have to do. [/quote]
You’ve actually made me quote my own words!


#15

Hey, you! Speaking of this, I got off my duff and did the first thing on my list tonight. You were right, it was nice and the people were pretty awesome. Thanks again!


#16

:joy: now youre teaching me things! Never heard that one :joy::joy: so glad you enjoyed it!


#17

Wow, thanks for sharing and your honesty, truly inspirational!


#18

I’m looking too far ahead thinking I have to work this program for the rest of my life. I only need to worry about today. Today I will work the program. Today I will not pick up that first drink. Just for today

And THAT is how it works for me. I’ll be awake today from 4:30 AM to about 9 PM. I only need to stay sober 17 1/2 hours right now. I can do that, with some help, like from you. Thank you! Namaste. :pray:


#19

Meant to share earlier I had 7 years, then cranked it back up in Mexico at an all inclusive resort. Told myself it’d just be a vacation thing. Lie! It’s been no vacation ever since then. It’s been a crapola downward spiral. Climbing now tho. Yup.


#20

Truly inspirational words. Just for today. Thanks @Becsta