Got myself to another AA meeting today. Am 10 days in and drove there feeling meh… I’ll be the first one to tell me that I am an alcoholic. I can ADMIT that. But I’ve been having trouble ACCEPTING it. Accepting that I need to work a recovery program for the rest of my life. I’m an impatient person. I just want a quick fix. A cure. Get healed and then continue on with my life. But it doesn’t work that way. And whilst I am impatient, this disease isn’t. I know that from experience.
Up until 4 years ago, I had 10 years sobriety. Attended AA meetings for 18 months, helped chair meetings, worked through the 12 steps and then feeling strong and ‘cured’ I left the meetings behind. For 10 years my disease lay waiting. Waiting for that sliver of a crack to appear. The complacency. The weakness of will. For 10 whole fucking years it sat quietly in my body waiting. It saw the sliver of opportunity and started to whisper it’s little voice in my ear. And I listened. I believed everything that it said. I’m not really an alcoholic. I bet I can control my drinking. On and on. But guess what? This voice is not my friend. It’s my enemy and it wants to destroy me.
I learnt alot in my meeting today. I’ve learnt that I’m looking too far ahead thinking I have to work this program for the rest of my life. I only need to worry about today. Today I will work the program. Today I will not pick up that first drink. Just for today. And besides working a program for the rest of my life to ensure my sobriety is a small price to pay for my sanity. The flip side of that coin is much much worse. I lived 10 years sober. I didn’t fight and constantly fight to survive through life. I lived it. I managed it. I had peace and I was happy. I was productive and I was a positive presence for people. I want that back.
Someone shared today that when they first came into the rooms they were convinced they weren’t an alcoholic because peoples stories didn’t relate to them. She hadn’t lost her family. Her job
Her husband. Her house. But the more she listened the more she realised what every alcoholic has in common. Our thought processes. Our mental battles. We all share the same way of thinking. And that’s why I feel like I belong on here. Why I feel like I’m home when I go to a meeting. These people get me! I get them! And we all have good intentions. We want all of us to get better. Old timers come up or pass me and say ‘its so good to see you again’ ‘im so happy you keep coming back’. They want to help. They want to see fellow members achieve and maintain sobriety. I walked out of that meeting today with a completely different mindset. I’m happy I get to go to meetings for the rest of my life. I have somewhere to go to where I am understood. I am supported. I can laugh, cry, yell, learn and be accepted. And help other people while I am at it.
I feel like I know so much because I’ve been in and out of recovery for so long but at the same time i know so little. I’m treating this recovery like it’s my first time in AA. taking it back to the beginning. I got a ladies phone number today, had a really good talk with her and she’s going to ring me at 4pm today as that’s my trigger time. She said she’s ringing me at 4pm so that I pick up the phone and not the drink. I’m feeling so grateful right now. I’m in tears typing. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be. Because I deserve it. My kids and family deserve it. And I’ve been so broken that I don’t ever want to go back there again. And I won’t. Not if I take it a day at a time, stop being stubborn and actually reach out for help when needed and just do whatever i damn well have to do. My enemy will not get the last word and win.