This is the first time i actually write on here. I thought it might be a good way to express my thoughts and feelings in regards to my struggle with porn.
It started with my biological dad not being as much in my life as i wanted him to be. It felt like he cared more about his new family more than me after he had left my mom. Mom later got married and had 2 daughters with my then stepdad. He had issues. He used to be voilent both verbally and physically to me. That lasted about 5 years till mom divorced him. Mom stayed pretty much single after that. Mom gave me all the love in the world, but there were still untreated wounds from the abandonment feeling of my biological father, and the psychological trauma caused by my then stepdad.
Fast forward to porn and masturbation. That gave my body this rush that temporarily filled that void. I got a thrill after every new porn i found. Just for that novelty feeling. I watched it every day all day long for years in my early youth. I also yearned so much attention from those around me. I became extremely popular and surrounded by people, but it was a superficial filling of the void.
I realized, porn was just a cry from my body/ inner child just to feel some sort of connection to myself. And to others. Just to FEEL in control as well.
I am now not so far away from reaching a month being sober from porn. It is very hard, since there is an abundance of it on the internet. But i feel it helps a lot to keep myself busy with music and just building a deeper connectio with mom and siblings. I am forever hopeful that i will break this bad habbit for good one day. For now, one day at a time.