Hi everyone,
So… im reaching out for advice. I continue to get negative treatment by someone i care about due to past mistakes. I have apologized and made changes over and over. My apology was accepted, however, i feel like i am apologizing over and over, again. I made the mistakes of using to escape my relationship. That obviously did more bad than good. I never felt good enough… i continue to feel that way. I have been sober and made so many positive moves. I am a much happier person. I feel like he is stuck in the past and will not let the “old me” go.
Suggestions?
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Its difficult, because it is my daughters father…
He holds me to very high expectations. I finally told him tonight that i am not going to risk all my progress trying to “prove” something to him.
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Apparently he’s still hurt by the past.
Talk to him. About hïm. About hís feelings.
Allow him to express hís pain without defending yourself.
We all need to be heard before we can move on.
Apologies and change are important, but when stuck in a bear trap, these are useless untill someone finally releases that trap to get you out…
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I appreciate your response. Ill consider what youre saying. Obviously, there is much more to the situation that i have not shared due to personal reasons. I have made it all about him for so long, that i lost myself in addiction. Although it was my choice to smoke marijuana to attempt to forget my own pain i was feeling from the relationship. I do not feel i should have to basically ask for forgiveness every other week or whenever he feels i do not meet his standards he has set for me. Its causing more damage, then good in my opinion…
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Its difficult, because i do care about him a lot. I just cannot handle his mixed signals. One day we are good, the next week he has something he doesnt like that i am doing. At this point i cannot even ask a question like “where do we stand” without him saying i am arguing. He has never called me a curse word and the other day he called me a b****.
There’s always more…
Sounds familiar except I made it about a her.
But looking back, I wonder where that went wrong.
She never asked me to make it all about her, though back then it felt like an only option.
But what if I had set clear boundaries, and defended those ?
Not saying it’s anyone’s fault, but making our lives about the other is an interaction in which both parties fail.
You shouldn’t. So don’t.
There’s a huge difference between listening to his feelings, and asking forgiveness.
While his feelings are his, with an urge to ask forgiveness, you make them yöur responsibility.
Don’t. Listen to his feelings, but leave them with him.
After listening you can easily say you’re sorry he feels that way, but that you’ve moved on. Changed. Progressed. And that his feelings, understandable or not, are hís to deal with and work on. That he as well should move on.
Make him feel heard, but stop making it your responsibility.
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I had not thought of it from that point of view. Youre right. I am going to give it a try and see how it goes. Thank you!
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