What triggered me tonight!


#1

Hi everyone I have posted here about almost losing my job due to my drinking and doing 3 days no call no show!! and thankfully my boss gave me a second chance🙏. I am almost 3 days sober (I had to reset again) even though my boss gave me a second chance I went ahead and relapsed the might before I was scheduled to return back to work! I drank my last beer before my shift.
I am determined to do this again. I feel strong!! I finally feel ready to stop being sick and tired.
Today was hard for me I left my grave yard shift in the hotel at 6 a.m I so room service in las vegas.
I was so proud of myself I made it through my usually pit stops and fought off that physical part of grabbing booze at each store. Mind you! It was a constant battle in my head "buy some beer or wine or champagne " it’s your Friday you can have one or two!! I made it through Walmart with out having to pull out my i.d at check out!! No booze. Then around 10 a.m I wanted to go lay out by my neighborhood pool!! And all I could think about , is that I want to bring an ice chest with a big bottle of white wine and some beer. I attached the pool and relaxing to booze. The thought was so bad it just took over my mind.
I managed to go to the pool and relax until about noon. Came home and felt good that I didn’t bring booze.
I worked over night so I decided to sleep in my chair to refresh. All day everything I do to function or enjoy was over taken by the thoughts of drinking I wanted to drink so bad it hurt!!.
Lastly , I woke up feeling pretty ok and decided I needed to go back to Walmart to get a few things I need. AGAIN I FOUGHT OFF THE BOOZE ISLE.
As I picked up the items I needed! All I was thinking about and picturing in my mind was drinking. I wanted to get some wine. I want a glass of wine right now so bad that I feel like a fucking physco!!!:flushed:.
Friends I have been drinking off and on the wagon for over 20 years. I have AA when I can get there due to my work hours. I have used this app for a few years off and on.
PLEASE HELP ME THINK. Back to Walmart!! I did well all day and resisted. My trip to Walmart just now I ran into a old friend that I used to work with , we never really hung out but we were close buddies at work. Shes alot younger than me she is 29. It’s been about 5 years since I saw her.
What just happened to me?? She called out my name and I didn’t even recognize her. She looks like a crack head. Her hair was falling out her face was all blotches. Her feet were dirty, she had a 2 year old baby that I met tonight and the baby was filthy . I saw them stealing some shoes for the baby. She told me she lost her jobs and she doesnt have a car or a cell phone her babysitter dad is jobless and they skip around places to work and live. I knew her as a 23 year old pretty blonde blue eyes girl. She looked homeless.
I cried and I looked into her eyes and asked what is going on? (I already knew) she lied and said they just move around alot. I said today I am 3 days sober!! I told her I was losing jobs too because of my drinking and being hungover and my anxiety. I told her she looked pretty but really skinny. She teared up and said “it’s really bad!!” We are doing drugs bad!. She lost a good job at her pharmacy. My body was covered in goosebumps!! I immediately spoke out about how being sober changes your life , and I used myself as an example. I told her a few things of jobs I lost since I saw her last. And i also said that I like my job now and I am not using so that I can take my life back!!!. I also said to her that she has to do it for her baby and that i remember her as being strong and smart. I REALLY DID A GOOD JOB!! I cheered her on and pepped talked her and she leaned on me by admitting that she is addicted. I told her all the right steps and what to do.
So I leave Walmart and cry in my.car. I am not strong enough to give anyone advice or for anyone to lean on me yet. I realize I am an open wound .
But I needed to help her and give her advice and she was smiling.and happy by the time I finished. I said all the right things about being sober and why we need to stay sober.
But why now am I shaking and I want to go down the street and buy a huge bottle of wine and drink. I want to drink worse now than I did all day. Why??? I just told her how good I am doing for these 3 sober days and why she needs to get sober and I made a huge impact on her. Now ALL I WANT TO DO IS START DRINKI G RIGHT NOW!! Why did this trigger me seeing her look like shit. And I wanted to puke when I saw the filth on her feet and arms she looked homeless. It was so sad.
I would think that that would make me want to.drink even less!!! What happen to ke just now.


#2

Sorry so many typos I literally ran to the phone to get this thought out


#3

I went back in a fixed my typos sorry . I hope this makes sense I am just feeling insane as shit. All I can think is that i can drink tonight and sleep it off


#4

It sounds like you’re feeling a lot of things and it’s awesome you wrote them out and expressed them! Thank you for sharing. Seeing this person must have been really tough, especially after such a long time and with this perspective on sobriety. You’re doing AMAZING and don’t need to drink about it today. You don’t have to put yourself through that. Is there anything else you can indulge in right now, like a dessert or coffee or a healthy snack? Something to put in your body that won’t suck and make you feel as shitty. That helps me sometimes better than simply not drinking. Stay strong, you are so strong and your story has helped me


#5

You’re not looking at the negative aspects of drinking. How shit you’ll feel for days, mentally and physically for what, a couple of hours of drinking. Seems crap odds to me. Stay strong, you’ll feel amazing tomorrow :sunglasses:


#6

Thanks. I brought one of those crappy vanilla Starbucks in the jar at Walmart. I downed that cuz I am an alcoholic but I dont indulge in bad foods​:joy::joy:. Drinking that filled me up and I havent eaten yet so I’m making a sub sandwich. I’m cleaning my house because I have a guy coming out to measure for new carpet. I’ll take your advice and eat some fun foods instead. Shit!!! How does seeing someone active addiction looking horrible make me want to go home and drink. That’s nuts!!.
And I fought myself back and forth about the second late night trip to walmart😉. They had pokemon comforters on sale for 12 bucks regular 30. I wanted to get one for my grown daughter. But!! I feel like in the back if my.mind I wanted the second trip to Walmart cuz there is booze in the store, even though I didn’t buy any. I was loud and open!! and said I am sober . People passing by heard and I didn’t care I’m not ashamed. I just have to figure out why I wanted to drink so bad after i just finished helping her and building her up to choose a sober life. Thanks for your help!


#7

Glad you said that!! That’s the only reason I can hold on to right now to NOT DRINK. Is how I will feel in the morning. It’s already 1 a.m here and I have an early appt. On my day off tomorrow and I dont want to roll out of bed with the stench of that booze lingering in my system. Thanks for the reminder.


#8

It’s a pretty big reason. Do I want to poison myself tonight and wake up feeling like shit or wake up with a clear head feeling strong, healthy, like a woman who can take on the world. You that is, if I wake up feeling like a woman I’ve definitely relapsed.


#9

I am 2 days and 88 minutes sober tonight. I am a daily drinker about 15 years off and on. 12 pack beer and bottle of wine is like nothing to me. I would drink any hour and I drink fast!. I think I have almost drank every day for 15 years. A slow day for me would be 3 pack of those huge budlights but my normal is 12 pack and one large budlight or a 6 pack and one 2 bottles of wine. Or bottle of champagne and then late trip to the fas station for whatever I found.
What the fuck is up with that ? I am at the point i dont even enjoy the taste of it anymore.
I recently force myself to finished drink whatever i buy before i allow myself to go to bed. I will sometimes puke after forcing myself to finish. Oh man I’m a nut job lol. Work in progress


#10

Haha I love it that cracked me up. And thanks friend. You saved me. I seriously made this post and walked away to wash my.dishes and in my.mind I said" I hope someone replies and talks me out of this" yay. Thanks.


#11

I hear you. I was a binge drinker. After that first one I drink quicker too. I’ve had one, might as well get blackout now, if I’m still walking I’ve not had enough! What we do to ourselves is ridiculous just to get drunk.

You want to get sober, you are sober, you’re doing so well, think of the life you can have, do it for that. You definitely got this


#12

53 days sober. Since this weekend, where my not drinking was made kinda thing at a social gathering, my anxiety is up with the cravings. I can kinda relate about making it public, makes us nuts. Anytime I am driving I notice every gas station (automobiles and alcohol, this concept is relatively new to this state, but nothing like greed to make anything look ok to the government) and liquor store, and feel anxious that I cannot stop.


#13

Honey, your emotions triggered you because you are a compassionate human being. Please remember you WANTED to drink, but you didn’t. Wanting to and doing it are two totally different things. Personally, I’m really proud of you! I think you handled that situation realy well! I would have bawled my eyes out too! How could you not??? I believe you DID help her. Your words might be those words that will stick in her mind forever, and become the catalyst for making a change. Maybe not now - who knows. I think you deserve a HUGE hug right now!! I think that being who we are, and being on ‘this side’ of things now, we are bound to want to help everyone and our hearts will probably break a million times over… Congratulations on NOT giving in to that urge. ((((( HUGS )))))


#14

Just remember, you are only 3 days sober. You’re going to feel so much in the first week. But I promise you, after that. Things feel amazing!!! The first month or two of recovery is easy and you’re on a pink cloud. But then life hits ya, but you are now strong enough to do something about it. And don’t get me wrong, 3 days is FUCKING HUGE. I rememeber I couldn’t get 3 hours. So I’m so proud of you.
Just be nice to yourself, try and hit up a meeting and remember this is your life, for us alcoholic addicts, to drink is to die and we MUST understand the severity of this disease and maybe you should consider getting a job that better fits your schedule so you can make it to meetings. Because without a program of action we will drink.
Alcohol and drugs aren’t our problem, WE are the problem and our drugs are the solution. When you take away our solution, we are still left with the problem. So we need to put a new solution in, something that will actually SOLVE and that’s the program or Alcoholics Anonymous or NA.
Stay strong, hit up a meeting, hook in with some women and you’ll be okay!


#15

Sounds to me like you got scared that someone you admired has gone down a path you were walking. Drinking is the “logical” reaction when your an alcoholic. Thankfully you decided to get sober and get off of that horrible path. Keep up the amazing work the first few weeks are hard but things do get easier. Make sure you have a plan to stay sober. Meetings, keeping busy, coming here. Whatever, just don’t drink today. Also consider talking to your Dr if the cravings become to hard to handle. Getting sober will be difficult but you don’t need to do it alone. I’m proud of you


#16

Thank you for these words!! I had to retreat for a day or so. I felt like I gave her the 5% that I had built up so far!! Does that make sense?? I felt like I made that late night run to freaking Walmart. Felt like shit and tired but when I saw her condition I felt that I needed to give her the 5% of strength I had built up from being sober 3 days . It drained me. But reading this today makes me happy thank u. Hugs back to you.


#17

Thanks. Damn I love your reply. I am looking forward to my first week sober and shaking the withdrawals. I feel nuts!!! Thanks friend


#18

Its difficult, I decided to isolate myself and just go to work and stay home until I feel strong. I work grave hard 10 to 6 a.m and sleep all day. I shopped for my food and I plan to isolate until my withdrawals improve. That late night trip to Walmart was really hard on me!.
But I feel like I was there to run into this person and see how horrible her drug addiction has taken over her appearance . And I was there to spill into her any strength I had in me to try to make an impression. No more late night store trios, no more leaving the house unless it is to go to work!


#19

I understand Jenny, I didn’t go anywhere for almost 4 months. Getting alcohol was always my underlying motive for every place I went. I’m glad you were there to encourage that young mother and also to see where drinking and drugs can lead people. Great people. I’m so glad your here.


#20

Strength can be a finite resource. Being strong for someone else saps your willpower and so as harsh as it sounds, you need to reserve your power and your strength for yourself for now.