I already did my “when did you know” comments here.
But, it got me thinking about when I wished I’d known.
That would have been back in 1999. It was the NYE of 1998, I drank a bottle of Goldschlager that NYE. I still remember that hangover, and I taste & smell Goldschlager every time I hear the song “1999” by Prince. That song played all night the NYE of 1998. Just wished I’d known then I was alcoholic.
I winced thinking of that hangover, 
I have a similar memory from many years ago with Jack Daniels! 
Thank you guys for sharing. A lot of the answers have similarities.
I guess the big takeaway for me is the comments of ‘when we knew it was time?’ Versus when we admitted it was time.
By that I mean, most if not all of us knew we had to stop drinking but kept drinking. It was the admitting part that was the biggest hurdle.
God bless you all and may he keep you all safe.
Hmm… When did I genuinely start admitting to myself that I needed to take change seriously? 
I’d say I always knew in the back of my mind that what I was doing wasn’t right, and there was generally a subconscious guilt afterwards and daily half-hearted attempts to stop again, though not serious enough as due to ptsd my life had learned to revolve around it at the time… I knew most of all that it was seriously impacting my everyday life to the extent that I did not much else and felt no hope whatsoever. But as time passed by, my consciousness nonetheless grew too. Philosophy, spirituality and critical-thinking were big parts and necessary steps in my life.
So about 1 year ago, I should have been grand, I had a circle of close friends around me, was going to town or on frequent outdoor and camping trips, was flirting and dating with girls for the first time, had a secure job and was rising up there (with the offer for more)… But that’s where it stopped, because my addictions still existed, and the rift between them and the reality I wanted grew. And everytime I caved in to the old ways, my guilt, depression, anxiety, self-confidence etc noticeably worsened. It could not continue, and I knew it deep down.
I eventually had a nervous breakdown and totally left everything cold turkey. I isolated myself in my room and binged feeling like I was hopeless anyway. Alcohol started becoming the norm to deal with forced social interactions or just to feel ‘good’. Surprisingly at the same time I was undergoing a mental transformation in my mindset that it was one or the other, and I started seriously trying to change everything. Weeks at a time started. But not just that, I was thinking of everything else too like diet, hygiene and sleep… I was subscribed to these manifestation emails by ‘Mind Movies’ which despite being ads actually helped me I admit. I started researching for help and what I wanted like I hadn’t before. It was still an on/off thing though.
At around the ½ to ¾ year mark, I noticed my prolonged isolation was beginning to seriously estrange me. A group of people moved into where I lived, and there was a girl amongst them. One evening we got to know each other more and having not socialized in a while I drank like a literal camel, the rest of the group came, we smoked some weed which I couldn’t tolerate well, and I was still anxiety filled about socializing, never mind flirting after having gone through such a rollercoaster.
Then one thing somehow really scared me: I know I was just pathetically drunk, high and fresh from depression… I was asked a question and started responding but forgot mid sentence whilst doing something, but instead of leaving it there I desperately tried to save face by making up the biggest bullshit and talking on for the next minute or two as if it was the most normal thing. I could see the uncomfortable look on her face, maybe some of the others, who knows, but I had completely lost it and anybody could see through the bullshit I was talking as much as I knew it. What scared me was that all that alcohol, weed and anxiety mixed together had created this me I’d never seen before saying confusing nonesense and backing it up like a madman as if I was saving face… But it was more impulsive or subconscious than I would’ve wanted and it almost felt like I’d been possessed during those few minutes that’s how so not me it felt.
Either way, I was moving out soon after, thankfully 
Still going through my head was WTF…? That did scare me on a number of levels. But during the months before, I had been consciously trying to work on myself like never before already anyway, and it became so clear that I wanted to change for good once and for all. I didn’t want to wake up under a bridge one day some barking madman who subconsciously floated through life and dug himself a neat grave alone and bitter because I couldn’t admit I had problems which needed addressing. Fuck that, I have a future - and always should have had. It took another month or two before personal development has really taken off. So much in my life that was never addressed… Seeing a psychologist 4 days ago was the nail in the coffin for my journey of enlightenment…
I know my ptsd was what caused such a rollercoaster ride and obsessive addictions, but enough is enough and I don’t need the past to haunt me forever. It’s over.
As trivial as I admit it sounds, it was just the cherry on top of a long chain of events and subsequent realizations that I was taking a seriously dangerous path, and as bright, philosophical and conscious as I interpret myself as being, it can easily be my downfall if I don’t take my life seriously. Nobody from the outside would ever suspect anything wrong with me that’s how secretive it was/is.
My goal now is total recovery. Everything or nothing. I know I’m not crazy. And I know I’m not alone and addictions and ptsd are difficult but not impossible to overcome… Hope to see you around my friend, all the best! 
For me I knew when I would go on my phone and spend money on in app purchases till I went broke , I planned my day around alcohol, told myself I will go play and drink . I would hide it from my boyfriend , I would throw cans or bottles away and stuff garbage on top of them so he wouldn’t see . I would would wake up every motioning with horrible guilt and always saying why to myself , why did I have to drink ! And would always say okay I’m not gonna drink anymore today and then in the evening would say ah it’s fine nothing and drink again and had this cycle . Till I just told him all the truth and did my first aa meeting , I reached out for help and now I will continue to be sober and try to fight this addiction . But we’re all in it together I’m glad to have read all your stories , you know you aren’t the only 1 and we’re all fighting for the same thing ……. Freedom .
I knew when I wanted to escape every night rather than sit with myself. When I preferred wine over my husband’s company. When I woke up each morning, dry and heavy with shame. When I realized I couldn’t live my life like that but I thought ending my life would be easier than never drinking again.
Thankfully! I said NO MORE and gave sobriety a try because I knew my life could be better. I’m not riding high on a unicorn yet, but I don’t have daily shame, guilt and anxiety. I consider that a win.
The first time I abused painkillers I knew I had a problem… I liked it way too much so I cut it off cold turkey then and there. I haven’t really considered myself an addict there.
Binge eating and PMO I think it took me to realize that whole afternoons would disappear while I was lost in the interwebs or that I would wake up in the middle of the night to eat more foods - when my addiction started to become the highlight or the focus of my day
When you say basic I’m assuming you mean British Army?
I suppose looking back when basic training was easy the best time of my young adult life for the same reasons and then when I was posted for phase 2 it all started to unravel.
By the time I was posted to Germany everytime I drank I was horrendous with God knows what disasters to face the next day.
I went AWOL to Amsterdam and got the ferry home. I claimed mental health problems but eventually went back. I managed a week or so and went AWOL again. I was then discharged under grounds of services no longer required.
Should have known that I did not have a normal relationship then. Back home I tried to enjoy myself like a normal drinker but couldn’t. Eventually I punched someone in a drunken state and went to prison.
That really made me think about my behaviour with drink and drugs I take in drink. I had met my wife waiting for the sentence who is beyond the best thing to ever happen to me.
I came out in 2009 and applied myself for the first time in my life doing a full apprenticeship and then going on to university to study engineering (it’s amazing how many addicts are actually pretty talented people am I right?) All the while having the binge cycle being fought in the background.
Got through uni, got married and had our two children in that time. Bought a lovely house and career was off. On at least a dozen occasions major binges could have gone wrong and everything lost.
The last time I binged I was walking with a kid I knew from school back from the town at the early hours completely wasted. Two young women clearly with addiction issues of their own towted me and this guy offering sex, drink and crack if we had the money. This guy I was with was up for it (at my expense of course) and for a split second so was I.
But something stopped me like a wall, BANG! I went home and was sober for 3 years until last Friday. I knew if I went down that road I’d lose everything.
Long post sorry
Wow mate that’s heavy just reading it. Thank you God that you are here
There were so many moments for me. One i can remember was doing cocaine at home, in my office room, then going to see my daughter and son playing in the other room. Then do another rail of coke, and go to the kitchen make dinner for the kids. Then go do another blast of blow and go watch tv with the kids, rinse and repeat, again and again. I was high as fuck around my kids and could not look them in the eyes. I felt horrible. It was the worst feeling.
Been there many times, sad to admit. It’s like the opposite of a shart, you think you have to burp and… its like you had a mento and coke. 
Ah yes, the reverse drinking shart. I too, am familiar.
And we didnt think we had a problem.
Like for most of us, there were moments and situations and then more moments and situations.
Though it is difficult to pick one, I will describe the first two that come to my mind (a couple of years ago I would have described others, of course):
And all those bruises and vomit and hidden bottles and glasses I saw/felt/found after so many blackouts, all the insults and nasty things I said but couldn’t remember, all the humiliation… uh.
It finally sunk into my thick skull when I realized everything I do seemed to involve drinking. Mow the lawn, football, dinner, hanging with friends, camping, boating, holidays, vacation, celebrating success, drowning my sorrows…everything was an excuse for me to grab a drink! That’s when I stopped justifying it and realized it control’s me and I’m not in control at all.
That sounds so familiar!
Like a lot of people, I knew several times through the years.
I tried reining in my drinking by myself on and off through the years, taking breaks to prove to myself I didn’t have a problem. I was less and less successful each time. I sought professional help, but didn’t follow all the advice I was given cuz even then I “had it under control.”
What changed this time was after all the failure I found myself truly miserable. After my last failed attempt to quit, after two years I realized I was trapped in a pattern. Crawling out of my hole each day to go to work, collect a paycheck, pick up alcohol on the way home, and drink till I passed out. Every. Day. Needless to say, not much else good or at all was happening that whole time.
I had no feelings about it. I was too numb, just rationally understood I felt dead inside and had well and truly given up on what to do about it.
One night I found this forum. For two or three nights I just read people’s posts. I related a lot. I realized I was subconsciously planning my own slow death and didn’t really care. But more importantly I found hope. Here were a bunch of people that had been the same and worse and gotten right again.
It finally clicked. I admitted to myself I was doing nothing with my life up to that point. And if I really didn’t care, then why the hell not stop thinking I had it figured out? Why not instead just do everything that others said had helped them get better again? I mean, I wasn’t doing anything with my life anyway. At least it was something to do.
That worked. I stopped drinking. I posted here a lot. I took better care of myself. I found and worked a recovery program. I dove in head first.
And very quickly, I started to feel better again. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I found things to live for again and the means to do them. Like that moment in Wizard of Oz, color returned to my world.
Now I don’t know a lot of things. But I sure as shit know, I never want that cold, gray life that came with drinking ever again.
Great post, Eke. I appreciate it. Alcohol kills you slowly, well before you take your last breath. It’s such a sad and miserable place to be. Shaky hands, sheets soaked thru, and all the other shit that alcohol eventually puts you through. It’s so important to remember just how bad I was and got.
It was gradual. I knew I had a problem and had come to terms with it, but I just didn’t want to stop because I felt like I wasn’t so bad I had to quit.
What made me stop was a really bad bender. It was only two days, but it’s the most drunk I think I’ve ever been. I got up, drank. Went out for lunch, drank and then hit up the liquor store after for more beer and vodka. Then hit the pub, then the Legion, then the pub again. Then went back to the liquor store, then the beer store then the pub again. By this time I didn’t know where I was, how much I’d had or how I got to the pub. Somehow I got a ride home, but I don’t remember getting into a vehicle. When I got home it was dark and I went to my bedroom and opened a 26r of whiskey and drank that with a couple more beers.
The next morning I was violently hungover and threw up so much i was spitting bloody mucous. I swore that day that I’d never touch alcohol again and that it was obvious that I needed to stop while I could because when i start, I keep going until I blackout.
It feels so embarassing to talk about. I’ve done stuff I’m not proud of and sometimes I think about how lucky I am to be alive. I’m grateful for my sobriety but I’m ashamed of who I used to be. Thankfully, that somehow motivates me to stay sober.