When Loneliness Hits

Your Story
1

Today I am happy. Today I feel comfortable with my life and with my sobriety. So today I am writing for two purposes.
First, because I know myself and my emotional patterns very well and I know that one day, whether it be within the next week or a few months from now, a powerful feeling of loneliness will descend upon me and push me into an overwhelming pit of depression. In that time I will feel empty, unloved and unlovable. It will be like that feeling is all that I’ve ever known and ever will know. It will feel like heartbreak without ever having known the joy of love. It will be hard to understand why I should stay sober, why I shouldn’t pour a bottle of whiskey into my body just so that I might not feel for a little while. When loneliness hits, it hits hard. So I am writing today to remind myself and to anyone who might relate: that feeling WILL NOT last forever. Regardless of how long it takes, I will claw my way out from under that loneliness, that depression, and when I do I still want to be able to feel pride in myself and not have sacrificed months of hard work and accomplishments for a few hours of numbness. I need to remember that I have found an online community of wonderful, supportive people and to check in, be present and stay strong.
This brings me to my second point: a formal introduction as I have been a somewhat active member of this forum since April and have yet to do this.
My name is Emerson. I’m 25 years old and after 8 years of severe and frequent binge drinking and one horrible night- which, despite reading several stories similar to mine, I am not yet ready to discuss- I began my sober life on February 16, 2018 and fully embraced it on April 5 (the day I joined this forum).
In person I am agonizingly shy, socially anxious and deeply introverted. I’m distrustful, sensitive, have a quick temper and connecting with people is extremely difficult for me. My self-esteem and confidence are both iffy.
However, I am also sweet and very generous (or so people tell me), non-judgmental and I never share other people’s secrets. I’m very smart with an outstanding memory and above average problem solving skills. I believe that I communicate my thoughts and feelings exceptionally well through writing.
I like long walks anywhere but the beach (because I don’t like sand, sunlight or big water), cold weather, reading and writing, food (eating it, cooking it, thinking about it, talking about it), and my dog and his cat.

I love being a part of this forum and want to thank everyone for their stories, support, strength, wisdom, and comedy. I may (or may not) have made it this far in my sobriety without you all, but I would have been without the understanding and sense of community which I badly crave.
So, again, thank you.

19 Likes
2

You are also brave and beautiful, thank you for sharing! So glad you are here with us

1 Like
3

Love, LoVe, LOVE your name! Good for you for taking proactive, healthy steps in dealing with possible, future depression & in reaching out beyond your comfort zone to us! Thank you for sharing. Really nice to know you better @AiJ . Great big hugs :hugs:

3 Likes
4

And thank you! Your presence here is like the embodiment of warmth and love!

1 Like
5

Hey Emerson! You know what I love about this post? Despite your struggles, you are still able to recognize the absolutely amazing, unique, fantastic things about yourself. You also have the self-awareness to know what you need - and you are putting your experience out here for the benefit of others. That’s all kinds of rock star!

I also love that your dog has a cat and that you are here in this community.:blossom::heart:

4 Likes
6

Thanks for introducing yourself, I also was impressed with your ability to see so many of your great qualities! So glad you’re here :raising_hand_man:t2:

2 Likes
7

Thank you all so much!

@MoCatt :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Unsurprisingly, my dog is not the most productive pet owner and I have to pick up a lot of the slack. I lecture him about it all the time, but he just doesn’t listen.

4 Likes
8

Yesterday night I was going to bed and I’ve come to think about when the loneliness will hit me hard or when something’s going to happen so that I might think about drinking as an option. Like you, i am feeling good today and these days in general. But some days, well yea, I do fear the hard days. Because I know how low I can get if I let go myself. And I definitely do not want to let go myself again…

Anyways, thanks for sharing, your post was a good morning read with my coffee: love to start the day with positivity and simplicity like I feel in your post.

3 Likes
9

All those things you said about yourself, well that’s me too. Unfortunately the memory thing has really shit the bed, but it used to be beyond amazing. Partners I had always hated my memory. So definately do this now girl. 25 is a brave, but marvelous age to find yourself. Also, when bad times do hit, don’t let your self awareness freak you out about every little thing. That’s my biggest problem these days. Why is this happening? What is my body doing? What is my mind doing? Why why why? It drive me crazy sometimes! But I constantly remind myself, like you said, this too shall pass.

Glad to have you here!

3 Likes
10

You seem to be in the right mind frame to achieve what you are wanting! I hope you can continue to see positivity, even when life seems like crap.
My attitude has changed a lot since I quit drinking. My temper is a lot less crazy, and I’m less of a bitch in general. I’m more confident. Though, definitely a bit more of an inrovert, I can handle social situations much easier now. I’ve also not had an anxiety attack in at least a year.

Hopefully you will see some of the positive changes it can have on your mental wellbeing soon. Thanks for introducing yourself. :blush:

2 Likes
11

I understand what it’s like for the rational, logical mind to be at war with the emotional mind. I know what it’s like to have those negative, self-defeating thoughts show up for a visit, with their fully-packed suitcases, clearly intent on staying for a while. It sucks.

I could be moving along, doing quite well, and then they show up. “Yeah, things are great today, but what about tomorrow?” “It’s going to be just like it’s always been. Your gonna get the rug snatched out from under you, and there’s not a damned thing you can do to stop it.” Oh, they show up, those negative thoughts, ready for a party.

Some time ago, I decided these thoughts are no longer welcome in “my house”. Sure, they knock on the door, and might even talk their way inside, but as soon as I recognize them for what they are, out they go.

For every negative, I counter-punch with a positive. Business isn’t going great? I’m good enough to find a job somewhere else. Always have. Always will. Relationship with the wife, maybe not as passionate as it used to be? Love is action, and I can be quite charming when I try, so I will try. Can’t seem to get much done? I’ll get up earlier and get after it, and soon I’ll not only be caught up, but gaining as well.

I may not choose which thoughts enter my mind, but I can choose which ones are allowed to stay. I can choose which ones ultimately prevail.

I get to choose, and I choose to master my thoughts. Me.

And you can too.

3 Likes
12

@Meggers Oh yes, not everyone is as appreciative of my memory as I am. It took a bit of a dip in my drinking days, but I’ve noticed a lot of improvement since quitting, particularly in the last 3 months. I try not to be toooo much of a pain in the ass about it and I only use my powers for evil once in a while. Have you tried any memory improving apps? I’ve used a couple and I dunno if they work, but at least they’re fun!
Over thinking has always been a problem of mine. It leads to second guessing and self doubt. It’s hard to break the habit.

@Sober_Ninja Congratulations on no anxiety attacks! I don’t think I’ve had one in about 4 months. I came close a couple weeks ago while shopping at Ulta (I just wanted pretty lipstick! :tired_face:) and again earlier today because I thought a tornado was forming. The general feeling still comes around sometimes, but I don’t go out much and rarely poke around outside of my comfort zone.
As for my temper-I’m working on feeling it, assessing, and letting it go rather than feeding it and allowing it to fester and grow in the way I did when drinking. I’m not inherently confrontational, but I’m pretty passive-aggressive and a master of the invisible treatment. Some sort of outlet would probably do me some good.

2 Likes
13

I’ve been playing strategy computer games and they at least make me feel a little more focused. And they are fun too! I play a couple Total War games which are turn based strategy and real-time strategy, which means I also get out some anger and aggression by destroying army’s and setting cities on fire. Always good shit! I’ve been playing Civilization 5 more lately as well. It’s turn based grand strategy, which basically means hard as hell. I get real frustrated with it sometimes though. Most people look at me weird when I tell them I’ve turned into a bit of a gamer. I think it’s a combination of being a woman and the fact that I got soooo boring since I stopped drinking. Which I’m totally cool with. Like you, I have found my comfort zone and I don’t go out of it often.

And the over analysing and self doubt… I’m some kind of ninja at this! Haha, I’m a lot better than when I was drinking, but since I stopped taking benzos as well my brain has been having a field day here. 402 days of practice at getting better though and I can see a huge difference.

14

One day I will attain your level of mental strength and clarity. It will be a process-probably a long one, but I’m determined!
A large issue of mine is that I never took the time to develop any good coping skills. I was a cutter for 13 years (I more or less stopped that when I was 22), and then I started drinking away all of my feelings at the age of 17. For now, I’m listening a lot to my ongoing inner dialogue, remembering that I actually enjoy my own company and learning to appreciate little things about myself.
I’ve turned away from the part of me that accepted depression as a part of my identity and I’m working on tuning out the self-sabotaging voice that whispers incessantly “you’ll never be better than this, so why bother trying?” But my bad thoughts don’t knock, they slither in through my window while I sleep and lay hideous little eggs beneath my skin and then they’re just there. As I said, I know myself and my emotional patterns. Those bad thoughts are out there somewhere and eventually they’ll find me. I’ll do what I can to block them out, but if I can’t then I at least want something to look back on as a reminder that life-my sober life which I chose because it’s what I both want and ultimately need-is happy, peaceful and full of support and goodness.

1 Like
15

Can these games be purchased at Game Stop or are they online/downloadable things?
I looove games! The Fable series is 100% my absolute favorite always and forever (I’ve even grown to accept the third one [I have a Fable tattoo!]), but I also like fighting games like Tekken and Soul Calibur, Pokemon (on Gameboy only), and silly phone games like Words With Friends.
I’ve never played any strategy games, but they sound like something I’d really enjoy.
Yeah, at this point I would rather people think I’m boring with my stay-at-home anti-social life than see me as a drunken party slut stumbling around the bar scene, babbling nonsense at strangers. My apartment is comfortable and my thoughts are interesting-I am rarely bored by myself.

1 Like
16

I bought them online through Steam. It’s a great gaming resource with tons of mods and a huge community. The first Total War I played was Total War Warhammer. Pretty damn fun and the easiest to learn (which is a very relative statement). Then the second Warhammer, Attila (which is super hard), it’s DLC’s, and now I’m on Thrones of Britannia. I watch a lot of YouTube videos to pick up how to play. Been watching a lot of let’s play vids for Civ 5 lately for the same reason. Turn based can be hard to adjust to, but once I started to get it I became super hooked. Total War is awesome with it’s real time battles, Civ 5 is way more in depth and strategic, both are awesome!

17

Would I be able to play any of these on my super average laptop or so they require a fancier computer?

18

Yeah, no. Don’t know about Civ, but Total War is graphics intensive. Civ 5 came out around 2011 or 12, so maybe, but it was probably graphics intensive back then. I’ll try to remember to look when I get home.

19

I’m an extrovert in my own head and long to be one in real life but when put in a setting with a group of people I’m still just an extrovert in my head. That’s why I love this community as well. Thank you for sharing your story. Feel free to lurk or engage as much as you please. I check the app multiple times per day because I too long to belong to a nonjudgmental community based on supporting all.:hugs:

2 Likes
20

@Meggers That’s a shame. I’ve never had a need for a more high end computer so I got a super basic laptop which I use almost exclusively for ordering food for delivery, online bingo and word documents. Oh well.

@Insperation I completely understand. One-on-one I do fairly well, with two or three people I’m sorta okay, but any more than that I’m basically dead silent unless someone addresses me directly. I’d like to be able to function more normally, but I suppose that I’d rather be like this than one of those extremely extroverted people who can’t stand being alone.
I love how many posts I see from new members that are like “so I’ve been lurking for a few days…”

2 Likes