When others think you don't have a problem

I’m successful. Good health (getting better.) Hitting the gym every morning. But if I drink I drink to excess without fail. I black out and have to wake up in the morning putting the pieces of the mystery of what I did/said/how I got these bruises or if I made a fool of myself. My husband says I should “learn my limits” but after 5 years of trying that I can say whole heartedly “there are no limits for me.” I’m done.

I went out to happy hour last night with coworkers at a Mexican place. I whispered to the bartender away from the crowd “I can’t drink–could you make me a virgin margarita?” As we got more rounds mine stayed alcohol-free. When I drove home (I usually take the bus this was a rare day with the car) a pedestrian in all black darted out in front of me. I slammed on my breaks. The cop car next to me followed the pedestrian. I would have been in a very bad spot had I drank those margaritas, which probably would have led to shots and getting a low guard in front of coworkers. Maybe getting naked, who knows?

I’m asking for advice: how do you handle it when everyone around you doesn’t think you have a problem? “Oh c’mon you’ll be fine just have one!” “Stacey I’ve never even seen you drunk!” I’m thinking the virgin drinks. The “vodka soda splash of cran hold the vodka” or “I’m on antibiotics” or “I’m doing the Whole 30” or whatever will only work for so long. And I’ve tried the “I’m cutting back because I can’t ever find my limits” but it’s hard because I’m not a teenager. I should know my limits. I just can’t find them. Sigh. Help!

2 Likes

Tell them you’re sick of hangovers and not getting stuff done because of them?
Most people can empathise with that.
And you won’t be lying!

8 Likes

wow i experienced this last night actually. i want to formulate a few responses to be ready for thoae types of things… ive used the term

"i’m sober"
people either say “good for you!” or “why” or some annoying response like "oh your husband doesnt like when you drink? haha thats cute"
when they say this i dont know what to say… i kind of want to throw out a blunt response just to make them shut up, i also dont want to reveal too much if my personal life…
i think im going to try my next phrase as
"personal reasons"
or "i’m high on life!"
or “i’m in the program” if i really feel like backing them down and not ahamed to reveal this.

i also find it helpful to specify “im (however many) days, month, etc. sober” people normally get it but you will have the occational pest who doesnt reapond accordingly.

hope this helps

3 Likes

That’s a great line! Thank you.

1 Like

And those hangovers…
My last one lasted 3 days. It was a huge help for me. That’s way too much to pay for half a day of, well, whatever it was that I thought was so much fun!

3 Likes

My husband could care less either way but it’s weird how drinking = empowerment to some people.

I’m wondering why people push about not drinking more than they would if you told them you don’t eat gluten or want to skip dessert. Who cares, anyway? It’s so weird.

3 Likes

I am going to try I am starting dry January early, then after that I will be over 30days so will have made my choice. My partner says I don’t know my limits and he is right cuz for me I just keep going until everything turns black. Ended up in hospital once, passed out and cracked my head open.
But at the time I justified it by saying it was the holiday vaccines I had had but I new it wasn’t and the doctors new too.
I am getting to the stage where if people don’t understand then they are not worth it. I am stopping for me and my health that should be reason enough!

4 Likes

@StaceyMS I’m personally not telling anyone until I have a year of sobriety. I have 3 people that know including my husband who supports me fully.

I expect backlash once I do - like you said, they’re going to try and convince me I don’t have a problem. I feel like I’ll be able to handle their shifty responses with more time. Till then I’ll be ordering virgin drinks, pouring soda in beer bottles or drinking n/a beer. What I’ve learned on here and in AA is that your sobriety is #1. Don’t feel bad about lying and keeping your reasons to yourself in the beginning.

Right now I feel extremely protective of my 14 days. I’m not going to let anyone f**k it up or try to persuade me into drinking.

4 Likes

Congrats on 14 days! I have half that many but let’s keep in touch here and make it at least 365!

You’re right and I will. I see lots of La Croix and mocktails in our future. How do you like AA? I went to try it today and chickened out.

I had that issue too. Family didn’t believe I had a drinking problem. I found myself trying to prove that I did in fact have a drinking problem by telling them my story and how many drinks I would go through in 1 week, but then I thought, why am I explaining myself to everyone? I leave it as “I don’t drink” and that’s it. Friends and family acted funny about my decision to stop drinking :expressionless: I didn’t expect that. Thank you for sharing :slight_smile: it’s good to come on this forum and be able to relate to people.

2 Likes

Thank you! I wish “I had a problem with drinking so I stopped but I don’t mind if you do. Cheers!” Was enough. I don’t really want to go into it with anyone. Expecially co-workers. I’m a software dev. Saying I don’t like to drink would be like saying I don’t like to swear. I will immediately be labeled as the “girl who can’t handle hanging with the guys.”

I think people are always going to try and label you and judge. We can’t worry about what people think. Be happy, Stacey! You’re doing something so wonderful for yourself and you should be proud… I’m proud of you.

I have exactly the same, I was like I am telling you that I have a problem with a poisonous substance and you are trying to tell me I am making it up or being a drama queen!! Yes alcohol is legal but that is it! It is proven it can and will kill you if you let it! Society is wrong to judge when we are trying to better ourselves

4 Likes

I agree with you! People’s reactions blew me away. I didn’t know how to feel… first feeling was angry lol I was angry because I thought these people didn’t want to see me do better for myself… I would never do that to anyone. If someone told me they had an addiction I wouldn’t say “no, you don’t.” lol I stopped talking to my cousin because she was really crossing the line. One of her comments that she said till this day makes me cringe​:expressionless: she said “don’t stop drinking because you’ll be boring.” :expressionless::expressionless::expressionless:

3 Likes

That’s one comment I don’t get why boring… Such a very stupid comment! I don’t really find watching someone else physically and mentally destroy themselves that entertaining. If they only knew what alcohol does!! For me I did find I was more socially acceptable when drinking as broke my insecurities but I turned into a bitch n so judgmental and I hated myself for it. I would 100% rather be boring than vindictive which is who I was when drunk. There are plenty of beautiful things to appreciate sober, things that I didn’t appreciate when drinking so that can never be boring xx

2 Likes

I wasn’t present when I was drunk… I wouldn’t remember a thing the next day. I don’t want to live like that. Being sober is hard at times, but worth it. Thank you for letting me vent :slight_smile:

4 Likes

Not a problem,any time you need to chat!
I hated seeing the people who I was with a couple of days later n kinda sheepishly being like shit did I offend them in any way as couldn’t remember anything. Family are the worst, there can be that look of disappointment on their face. I was a horrid nasty drunk.
Loved the fact I said WAS :grinning:

2 Likes

Most of the time I was calm… nobody could tell I was super drunk so they would offer more shots and I would never say no :expressionless: occasionally, I would do stupid things like flirt :expressionless::expressionless::expressionless::expressionless: then next day people would say “I didn’t know you 2 are dating.” I was never dating anyone :expressionless::expressionless::expressionless::expressionless: embarrassing

1 Like

Hmmmm. This topic really interests me. When I think about people’s reactions I always wonder what it says about THEM. I haven’t had a lot of ‘why questions’. Probably because most of the people who know have some sort of issue with moderation themselves. I do have to say, I got my first ‘Good for you’ from a friend the other day. I thought that was a really supportive response.

I have told some people by sending them a screenshot of my sober counter. Text messages give people time to respond with some thought and kindness.

The hardest responses have been when others are drinking. Even my darling husband said ‘you are boring when you are sober’ (he was drinking heavily) to which I replied ‘oh, thanks for your support’. But on reflection maybe HE thinks HE is boring when he is sober. Next time I might even have the guts to ask that.

Thinking about this has made me want to collect different responses. I am on a journey involving learning to separate myself from other people’s words (this has been a challenge for me in the past). Just because other people say something, doesn’t make it RIGHT!

Anyway, thanks for the interesting brain food.

2 Likes

Why are sober people boring!! If anything clarity makes us more entertaining!!
Yeah my partner kinda thinks the same but has never said it too me. I feel that it is because he has only really known me drinking and will need to get used to the sober me so he is out of his comfort zone. If we are going to stay together it’s a journey we are going to have to face together but I am predominantly doing this for me as I know me!!
I had a sober night last night at a family meal who drink heavily but I actually found myself laughing and enjoying the atmosphere which I had not experienced before as I would drink away the awkwardness. Facing life head on scary but fun!!

1 Like