Where I'm at today

I’m 53 years old.

My sobriety date is August 4th, 1989.

Virtually EVERY promise mentioned in AA’s How it Works has come true. I no longer fear (most) people. I went from being a semi employed slum dweller, to a successful small business owner. I am, by most measures, an expert in my field. I even managed to get married (but more on that fiasco below).

While I’ve remained clean from that day to this one, I would not say I am sober.

Why? My abuse of drugs and alcohol was a symptom of a much deeper issue, namely deep-seated emotional trauma.

I have yet to have a stable relationship - either with friends or romantically. My marriage was a 20 year, two sided hostage negotiation.

Still people who know me think I am a good man.

On some level I am, however my world view is that no one knows the real me, I am deeply flawed, unloved, and unloveable.

I’ve come to believe I fit the criteria for Borderline Personality disorder, the criteria for which are:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 (or more) of the following:

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in criterion 5.

  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

  4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in criterion 5.

  5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

  6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

  8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

  9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

In the recent professional evaluation I had last week, I hit 7 if those 9.

The treatment for this disorder is rigorous. Individual therapy, course work, and a support group.

Oh, how I wish there were just a fistful of pills I could down every morning.

But that isn’t the case. I’ll have to learn to rewire my mind.

I am scared, I am angry, and I am also at the mercy of my condition.

I fluctuate from moments of minor calm, to levels of high agitation and panic that lead me into fevered reactions. Some of which result in mad behavior that has put me in seriously harmful situations.

In moments of frustrating emptiness, I seek validation in equally harmful actions.

Still, nothing soothes the pain, and more often than not, more pain, shame, and dire consequences ensue.

I know I have posted here, often as an old timer. I am an old timer, in terms of time spent without drugs or alcohol.

But time is no marker of anything but duration. I am still a human being, and have my challenges to face.

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Not really to sure what to say to an “old timer” like yourself, you are an inspiartion to so many people, that despite life keeps throwing you big fat lemons, you get up and show up sober and here for us all. A true legend :heart:

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I received my diagnosis 7 years ago and have been in and out of therapy ever since. Ive been through CBT and have learned some amazing tools to manage many of the symptoms above. It is a daily struggle not unlike alcohol, which I have been failing at since February 2017. Maybe we can help each other?

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I love this. We all have so much to learn from each other whether we are on day 1 or day 1m.

Welcome! @ifs may have some insight on what helps him, his growth has been absolutely astounding! I’m glad you are seeking help for this my friend, growth and learning what we can do to help ourselves can be difficult along the way but it can also lead us to big life improvements and that is a beautiful thing!

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Thanks for tagging me @MandiH! I have been missing some threads recently. @Ravenevermore when I get a sec later today to do it properly, I’ll tell you about my experience with BPD so far :slight_smile:

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Yes. Let’s do that!

People with BPD have only the foundation of a personality and are missing their strong sense of self, like a house without any walls. So we seak to find it from external sources like people, sex, things. We can change who we are to get what we want, until we dont want it anymore, then we sabotage it, and crumble into depression, self loathing and whatever coping mechanism we favor. The thing that has helped me most is writing down who I want to be and looking at it when emotions start to override my willing brain. It is a daily struggle but it can be managed. Be patient with yourself and find a therapist you cant bullshit.

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Apologies in advance for the long read. It is optional :wink:

Boy, is it an intimidating diagnosis to digest!. My initial reaction was initially relief, actually, because I already knew what my experience was, but didn’t know what it was called or how to live with it. Then came the feelings of “whoa, this feels like a lot to carry.” I still feel like that now, though just a bit less so, now that I’ve learned things here and there to help manage it.

I know what you mean about just taking a fistful of pills! If only it were that easy. I’ve been put on all sorts of meds in doctors’ efforts trying to help – antidepressants, anxiolytics, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, you name it. Some people get partial relief of some symptoms with medication, but lots don’t, and it’s not a fix anyways. In my case, meds didn’t help with BPD at all. They did help manage my anxiety disorder and ADHD, which helped indirectly, but I also didn’t need them.

From a healthcare standpoint, the treatment that ended up helping me a lot was what you mentioned: individual therapy, course work, and support groups. My course work and support groups weren’t BPD specific, but as there’s a lot of overlap between management of various mental health conditions, they still helped. Mood regulation, CBT, mindfulness and other coping skills, and interpersonal effectiveness were especially relevant to me as overlap topics. I also got a couple of workbooks on DBT that I worked through on my own. DBT was modified from CBT, was designed to treat BPD, and has been especially helpful to me.

I do comparatively little formal treatment these days for it, at least not with classes and groups. I just keep practicing the skills I picked up in classes and therapy in an everyday setting. I’m still in therapy, though that’s down to once a month or so now. I think I’ve basically learned what I need to as far as book knowledge, I just need to get better at putting it in practice. And every day, all day, 24/7 is practice. Especially in precisely the times you want to just lose it and not think about practicing! With repetition, though, the work becomes more automatic and less work. And as much as it is hard work, I really look forward to therapy. I really feed off of knowledge, and I learn so much from those sessions.

I also found that it took a long time for some techniques to start working. It was months before CBT started helping me, it made sense in theory but not when I tried to apply it. A lot of what I learned felt artificial, silly, and pointless to start. A key realization I had was that a lot of coping skills they teach you aren’t actually even necessarily to make you feel better as their primary purpose. They’re just healthier, more constructive and less destructive ways, through the same emotional minefield. A lot of the time they do make it easier, but we all know sometimes something just sucks, no matter what you do.

I’ve come a long ways in a relatively short period of time. I used to be in and out of the psych ward a lot, up to a month at a time, and some of it involuntary. Suicidal ideation and self harm was regular. I readily formed interpersonal relationships that were practically the definition of unstable and intense, putting myself into patently unsafe situations in some cases to do so. I felt desolate and panicked when I didn’t. I whipped back and forth on how I viewed and treated people in my life, because my view of the world did so. I’d handle some things like a model adult, and melt down over trivial or imagined things.

That has all but stopped. My last psych hospitalization ended last spring. I’ve distanced myself from unhealthy relationships, and started repairing the rest. I don’t self destruct like I used to. With a lot of help and wisdom from my HP and community, I don’t drink or self harm anymore. It’s mindboggling to me how both my past behaviour and my behaviour now are both from the same person, me.

But that’s not because BPD stopped. A lot stayed the same. My emotions still surge to baffling heights and depths at the drop of a hat. I still struggle to feel valued, valuable, or wanted, to the point of despair at times. I still deal with high levels of impulsivity. The identity thing is still unclear. I still get suicidal thoughts and I still dissociate, though less often. In fact, that #9 symptom perfectly describes an unsettling experience I had a few weeks ago (that I won’t get into just now).

The difference is that I have gained control over my behaviour. And it’s a life-changing difference I’m grateful for. If I remain diligent in improving my management of behaviour, I do believe that I can experience better relationships, get and keep a good job, etc., while not setting my world on fire. This behavioural management part is the part that all that treatment stuff helps with.

The experience itself, though, the feelings and thoughts behind the old behaviours… this part is hard for me. I wonder to what extent, if at all, I’ll ever be able to feel and think in more palatable ways. Am I always going to feel this way and live a normal life in spite of it? Or will this too, ease with time? For me, it’s too early to say. I’m basically only a couple of years into BPD recovery. The question is really heavy though, and it can really get to me. I just remember “one day at a time”, and try to avoid getting upset over things that haven’t happened yet.

I’m also still finding it really tough to accept how my life is currently affected by my mental health in general, between BPD, ADHD, and anxiety issues (I’m still waiting for a doctor to just pick one anxiety disorder and stick with it!). I have come a long ways, but I still have a long ways to go. I still want to come off disability, get back to my career, do more than I’m doing now, and not feel so limited. But there are reasons for where I’m at and the timing of it, so now I’m learning patience and persistence.

Today was a day where I felt like giving up on all the improvement stuff, but I didn’t. I literally got nothing else done that wasn’t on my very short to do list, but I did get that done. Even after the accomplishment, and victory over the mental struggles of the day, it still feels like a crap day. I keep comparing myself to a version of myself who resembles what “normal” is, someone who would have knocked off those tasks before lunch without a sweat. But right now, today, I was the person who spent all the hours of energy and effort on the other things. Lifting myself out of the emotional pit I woke up in, getting stuck in obsessive thoughts when I want to do something else, calming down after the trip to the grocery store, coaxing myself into necessary chores, chasing the whirlwind of thoughts I get when I’m at a keyboard communicating with humans, and so on.

I’m embarrassed at the slowness and difficulty I experience for these simple matters that sometimes end up taking all day. But I’m doing it better now than I did a few weeks ago. I’m doing it much better than I was doing it a few months ago. I wasn’t doing it at all a year ago, or I was causing destruction in the process. I just do the best I know how with what I’ve got. I get good and great days along with the bad. Keeping perspective and holding on to hope is my lifeline in this process. And engaging with others, not doing this alone, is a crucial part of that.

This is lacking a proper conclusion, but there’s my honest, raw experience, my friend. It’s been tough but doesn’t deny me a full, fulfillling life. :slight_smile:

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That was a great read! Thank you for your share :heart:

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Thank you so much for sharing this with me.

Right now, I’m in the middle of a mind storm. Anxiety eating at me, convinced my significant other is Satan’s Sister, that all hell is about to break loose.

I’m reading diagnostic materials one minute, contemplating high impulse actions the next.

I just want it all to stop.

Of course, nothing ever comes in an instant - other than my thoughts …

Sounds like it’s pretty intense right now. That’s okay! It happens, and the emotions themselves won’t cause any damage. But since it’s unpleasant and distressing, let’s think about what we can do.

One of my go-to skills for this is grounding. It’s about tapping into a calmer matter-of-fact perspective, which is way easier to handle, but hidden underneath what can feel like catastrophe or blinding anger.

I start by focusing my attention on my senses and immediate environment. All the predictions, and assessments of good or bad, get put on the shelf temporarily while I take in what’s around me. I see the room around me, lit from outside, laundry part way through folding. I hear the thin drone from the fridge running and the occasional sound of a passing truck outside. I’m at a comfortable temperature, my shoulder and neck muscles are tight, eyes puffy and tired. I’m aware of what my breathing feels like (just focusing on breath can be calming in itself). What this process does, in the background, is provide a stream of information to focus on. Not a conjured “right” way of thinking, but very factual, aware thinking without drawing conclusions. All this evidence, though mundane, indicates no threat is actually physically so proximal as to need immediate reaction. If there is, perhaps I’m crossing a road for example, I get out. I can safely take a few minutes “off” from the pressure to solve anything. I also realize, as I’ve heard in song, “it’s just an ordinary day, and it’s all my state of mind.” I may be upset, but the world is turning, living and breathing normally.

I go a number of directions from here depending on my state of mind after that. Mindfulness to process what I’m feeling and thinking without getting drawn into a black hole. CBT to reframe my thoughts on my situation and learn better responses to this set of stimuli. If I’m still whirling though, and I often am, I find something to distract or soothe myself, or both. Time to take a walk, snack, shower, talk to a friend, read affirmations, etc. etc. Self compassion too. Talk to yourself as you would a best friend in your situation, even placing a hand on your chest or holding yourself if it helps to have a physical component.

There’s more even, that I could get into, but that’s the basics of my process. You may find it helpful to find some distance from whatever kicks the dirt up in your face. Reading diagnostic materials might just increase the anxiety and depression you feel about things right now. Maybe there’s something else you can do to occupy your mind that will draw your attention outside yourself to give you a break from the inside. Just throwing ideas out there.

I think discussing next steps with a doctor to set things in motion with treatment could help too. I know for me I felt better seeing the path forward.

You’re doing great man. Through all this, you still don’t drink, and that is still just as great and precious a thing as it was 30 years ago.

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Thank you. It’s most appreciated…

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Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder changed my life. You can get it on Amazon. It’s old but still the formative guide for treating BPD. The explanations and guided group dialogue is good reading and the exercises are actually useful. I tried to add a picture or link but it’s not working. :thinking:

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I ended a 3 month, highly chaotic relationship yesterday…

I was never even sure WHY I pursued it - other than being lonely, and that she smelled “familiar” (read, as dysfunctional as I am).

We met, we’d push, we’d pull, I’d break up…she’d come back around. 5 times in total.

Still, the anxiety, fear, and distrust never left from the first moment to the last…

Til I had finally had enough, and ended it for good.

While I’m glad to be free of the angst, I still feel $#@!ty about the whole thing.

However, it wasn’t until I examined these feelings, and realized I had a problem that I discovered my BPD, and promptly went about treating it.

Have my second therapy session this coming Tuesday. Hoping to be able to get time off work to do the classes.

Reached out to previous therapists, some new ones, and let the family know.

Been hitting AA meetings like a fiend for the last year when the symptoms first began to appear…but were still undiagnosed.

I suppose this is a new beginning, but I am scared as $#@!.

I just want to be free of the pain…be able to FUNCTION.

Be able to HAVE a relationship with another human being…have real friends, not just acquaintances I see at meetings.

I have to admit, I have NO idea how that’s done.

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