I have severe anxiety. Literally every form of it. I’ve been trying to stay clean but I’ve accepted the fact that I can not function without benzos to help control the amount of anxiety I have. Where do you draw the line? I’m 10 months without booze. 10 years without harder drugs. And a few days without benzos. I went through benzo withdrawals in secrecy almost a year ago after an OD that left me on life support and I haven’t been addicted to them since. I’m worried that starting to take them regularly will result in an addiction again. But I need them to be a part of society and function. Am I stuck or is there some answer I’m not seeing?
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No I’m not. I will not go back to my doctor and have yet to find another one that takes my insurance.
It would be good for you to find a doctor to talk about this with. There are a number of other medications that can help with anxiety that aren’t benzos, and if the doctor is of the opinion benzos need to be a part of your treatment, then you can at least collaborate on a strategy for taking them in a way that minimizes the risk of abuse. As well, you can be looking at ways to reduce dependence on them over time. There are a number of non-pharmaceutical techniques that can help, like CBT and mindfulness.
My experience is that benzos did not help me handle the generalized portion of my anxiety in the long run. They worked better as acute panic relief, used only during my absolute worst points. When I was put on benzos to take more regularly to deal with the constant anxiety level, all it did was keep me from having to develop my ability to regulate as much, and I suffered for it. What helped in the longer term was getting on an SSRI that worked for me (I had to try a few), and work hard hard hard on improving my tolerance to anxiety-inducing stuff. Lots of therapy, taking things really slow, taking time to do things I knew I wasn’t comfortable with, CBT, mental health classes/groups, etc.
I’m still a really long way from optimal, but I have come a long way. Instead of being confined to my house, being dependent on other people, and going through panic attacks on the regular, I am now able to manage it to the point where I can live on my own, go grocery shopping, handle conversations with strangers, etc. and it has been many months since my last real panic attack (anxiety attacks still common, but the not full-blown panic attacks that send you running to the ER).
I would be remiss not to note that I did do a lot of work on my anxiety when I was drinking and when I was taking benzos, but none of it helped much. When I stopped taking benzos and stayed sober from alcohol, that same work that I was doing before started to make a difference. Not in the first few months, because quitting in itself causes anxiety, but after, when my body and mind had had time to adjust.
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100%. And “To thine own self be true.”
This is a sticky place where it’s absolutely about how honest we can be with ourselves, our doctors, and whatever power we believe in.
I’ve known this anxiety, wondering if medication might help, and if I would be honest about it. I lied to a recovery worker before while in addiction, so I know I have it in me to do again. To be fair though, I didn’t realize the depth of it as I do now. So what to do?
I found other solutions though they take a lot of effort. Working a program and rewiring my brain with the help of others, here and in the rooms. Taking care of my body. Working with my therapist.
It’s a question we can each only answer for ourselves. Probably the best place to start here is with the doctor though. Can you go to them and be completely honest about your struggle so far? They may know another way! 
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I came off benzos on August 16th, plus other stuff, but the Dr and psychiatrist put me on gabapentin for anxiety and withdrawal symptoms. I had severe anxiety and panic attacks and this seems to be helping pretty good. It’s also good for cravings for drugs and alcohol. Talk to your doctor to see what is best for you.
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Thanks for the advice!