As i am writing this im sitting on my break at work at a shitty job cutting stone for 8 hours monday to friday. I once said on this forum that i was joining the army and moving on to better things. Fast forward 3 months and im back home working this meaningless, mundane job. Ive spent the last month feeling sorry for myself and becoming irritated and discontent with life. I stopped going to meetings and instead went head first into training muay thai and kickboxing 5 nights a week. Physically im in as great a shape as ive ever been but i wasnt happy at all. “Is this what my life is supposed to be?, full of anger and hate with no sign of progression in my life?”. This was the kind of thing i said to myself the weekend befpre last. I talked to my friend in recovery and he told me i knew exactly what i had to do, which i did but had been just too stubborn in my way to do it. Focus on my recovery and the rest will follow. I knew this to be true because i had seen it first hand this last year in my life and other peoples. Yeah i left the army, so fucking what. Yeah my current job sucks, so fucking what. Yeah im a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, so fucking what. Instead of focusing on my disease in the negative im starting to instead yous the disease as my greatest weapon. Turn my obsessive mind onto recovery and being happy and doing whatever the fuck i have to do to get it. I dont know what tomorrow holds and right now i dont give a fuck. If i keep to right mindset then whatever the days may bring will be nothing but typical bullshit that i can laugh at. Nothing is stopping me from doing whatever the fuck i want to do except my own head. This disease is always trying to bring us down right back to the place where it thrived and fed off of our misery and eventually kill us. I say fuck alcoholism, you killed two of my friends and youve killed countless other human beings that didn’t deserve to die. But you will not kill me. Ive always asked myself “who am I?”. I know now who i am. Im a recovering alcoholic whos trying to live his best life and i will be that till the day i die. As the great David Goggins says, Stay Hard!
I wish you well on your journey. You sound determined! If I may suggest, being someone in recovery from addiction is only part of who you are. The Who Am I question will be with you your whole life, and the answers you have will change and flow over time. Keep using the tools YOU need to be successful. Shitty job or no, crappy experiences or no. For sure, you are right on by exploring what goes on in your own head. THAT is fundamental.
It is kind of wacky isn’t it, how we get so caught up in our thoughts. I know the spirals can take me anywhere I choose to go and they often do. Who am I has been a lifelong theme and it still evolves and that is cool.
When my thinking sends me off track, my breathing helps me get back to center and my new cuddle pal, Marshmallow also assists. I know, silly, but whatever works.
I actually quite like Goggins. He is a guy that holds himself accountable every single day, takes no BS from himself. Every day he brings his A game to the table, for nobody else but himself. People pleasing gets you nowhere in life. He’s never uncivil or unfriendly, but he doesn’t care what others think of him. I think we could all take a leaf of of his book.
He has undeniable inner strength. I think he was a SEAL too? If I remember correctly, he went through training for it three times, and on the third attempt he succeeded. Injuries took him out the times before.
May I ask you a personal question (or two)? You can tell me to shove it of course…
Why did you want to join the army? And why did you decide to leave? Just out of curiosity.
Yeah man im a huge goggins fan and i love his books. I joined because i thought fuck it why not ya no 
. My father was in the army and he was really wanting me to join. But once i was down there i hated every minute of it. Just was not for me so i was happy to go. I might regret it tomorrow or next week or next year but right now today i have no regrets in leaving
I yous my dogs as great cuddle pals lol. Early in my recovery i dont know if i would’ve jept going without them
Ah okay, so it was moreso your dad’s dream for you, not your own. That’s a shame. You can’t live your kids lives, you have to respect that they might have ideas of their own. It was wrong of your dad to put that kind of pressure on you. I doubt you will regret leaving, it wasn’t meant for you. And that’s okay 
What’s important is, YOU work out what it is that you want to do, then get it done 
I really loved this post. Thanks for taking the time to share with us. I’ll look this guy up.