@anon84416494 it’s usually about 5 days on then 5 days off. I haven’t wanted to actually quit for good until about a month ago. It’s been proving more difficult than I imagined but the desire is there. Before I just kept telling myself that I had it under control. That as long as I wasn’t doing it every single day then I could still do it occasionally but I’ve realized that’s not true when I couldn’t have it around without doing my whole supply. You’re right tho. My heart truly needs to be in it and I’ve got to get passed withdrawl and then keep pushing on. Do I know exactly how that looks right now ? No… besides deleting contacts and trying meetings I don’t really know what else to do.
When was the last time you used?
I have walked in those shoes many, many times. At first it was always just before a prescription was due to be filled and I swore that since I had 3, 4, 5-10 days clean I wouldn’t fill the prescription. That worked until the day before when my mouth started watering knowing I was close. I would wake up early and be waiting at the door when the pharmacy opened. I’d always wait and fast walk or sometimes run to my car so I could get them into my system. I always felt ashamed but never even close enough to stop. When I finally said enough is enough o was so bad off I was placed in a detox and then inpatient care. Thursday will be my 9 month clean date and I still think about using, missing the high, but not missing the guilt I felt after using. We do recover, and we do it one day at a time. We never have to use again! Have you been to any NA meetings? I know my meetings for the first 29 days I received a welcome chip, hug and a phone list of people to call when you needed it. Every time I wanted to use I called or texted someone on the list. Though they didn’t know me, they always answered, gave me advice on what worked for them and never ever judged me. They always welcomed me even after setbacks. I owe my sobriety to sheer willpower and the support of those when have suffered before me. Never be so hard on yourself for a setback that you use again.
2 Likes
I wrote a letter to myself the last time I was in jail. I never opened it and have since lost it. I do recall reminding myself of the plastic smell of the mattresses. And how I got a disciplinary ticket for having two mattresses (for some reason this was called “Cadillacing”) during a cell shakedown. And the smell of the common toilet. And the utter boredom punctuated by terror. When I was held overnight in booking, one guy ratted out two others who were snorting buperenorphine. Two days later, when I was in my population cell, he was brought in from the infirmary. He’d been beaten and ink from a pen stained his ears and lips. He lay there moaning most of the time and other guys would kick him as they went past.
This is what happens when I drink. I have compassion for guys in jail.
2 Likes
Wow, that’s some great words of wisdom. I was just scrolling around and that was just what I needed in my life.
1 Like
I feel like I’m on a cycle of drugs. I try and quit 1 and that just puts me onto something else. I feel your pain.