so… I haven’t drank. I have been reading self development books, alanon literature, and mostly spending time between work and my kids. Last night I went to the casino and lost $90. It’s not uncommon for me to drop in and play a little bit, but last night felt different. I am depressed today, meditated out of it (so I thought), and just binged on pizza. The thought crossed my mind to purge. I haven’t had those thoughts in many years. I don’t know if I am just desperate to find ways to take a day off responsibility, or if there is something more seriously wrong with my brain. I know that gambling, drinking, and binging are all addictive behaviors… I feel like whatever I’m doing isn’t right or isn’t enough. I’m hoping this is just an “off” day, but I don’t like it… and I won’t have another opportunity to be productive at home for another week. who has a magic wand out there?
If you find the magic wand let me know. But with what I know in me when I start to look for that escape (any behavior for me to not feel) it’s because something inside me is not at peace. Finding that “thing” can be tough. Accepting that thing is usually tougher.
you’re right. I guess I can make everything in the room beautiful, but it doesn’t change the fact that there is a huge elephant in the middle of it. thanks for the response.
ok… off the couch. there is still time to be productive today. Thanks for letting me vent in my low moments.
I know in my situation I just had so much extra time on my hands it was overwhelming. During my active addiction I would spend all my time chasing that buzz until I blacked out, sometimes I would wake up take another 10 shots and back to blackout. It was truly amazing I didn’t kill myself by alcohol. When I was sober I was nursing a hangover, not very productive there either.
Learning to live with all that time was weird at first. I felt I should always be doing something, something productive. I don’t know something. The saying, “Stop and smell the flowers” actually had meaning. I think I’m at a point that I might actually know how to relax and enjoy myself in the moment. I just started saving for a truly unique vacation. Im still researching the exact destination, but my passport got here the other day. Im kind of leaning towards Bali or Fuji. I just know I want something tropical.
It’s funny we always remember the bad days, but barely remember the just ok or great days. Why is that? 
oohhh! fun! I love planning vacations… both places sound perfect. You’re right, too… I probably needed a day of rest today but was disappointed that I wasn’t making the most of a gorgeous day. I did work my normal work week plus an overnight and extra evening shift…I’m sure part of my problem could be trying to fit too much in.