Why do I do this to myself

I don’t understand the pull. Addition fucking sucks. 27 days the first time then it’s been shorter and shorter granted I went from drinking 3L or more a day to only drinking 1 or 2 days a week and about 1.5L. It’s like I don’t relize what I’m even doing till it’s to late. It’s like I block out the actual buying and starting to drink. Then i wake up hungover and pissed at myself.
Everyone talks about triggers but apparently breathing is a trigger ugh

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I could find any excuse to drink. It comes down to, for me, 1) what was I doing to keep sober that didnt work, 2) what will I do to keep sober, 3) I had to change people, places, and things to stay sober.

Getting sober is far more than not drinking. Its re-learning how to live. Very few of us couldnt make that change on our own.

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You do it because you’ve conditioned your brain to act that way. Now it’s time to deprogram those horrible destructive behavior patterns and relearn how to cope with life.

I went to 12 step meetings and found the answer.

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For sure anything, drinking is all around me my mom my dad clients it’s like a way of life for us so it’s so hard

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For sure iv been drinking from 15 on I’m 27 now shh iv quit here and there it comes so natural for me my brain screams like a toddler with no milk :upside_down_face:I’m trying so hard some days kick my ass though iv been thinking about AA

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12 steps offers a solution. Millions of people have gotten sober with those suggestions. You can too.

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I will look into it thank you

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If you teach a dog to sit and reward it with a treat for that, the dog is going to learn to expect to be rewarded for sitting.
Same exact thing. We just think we’re more clever than that. We’re not.

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That’s for sure like a first nature to me it sucks iv dabbled in a lot of things and has no problem quitting them but this time I’m stuck its just so not me and I hate that part of myself

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I think drinking of course is partly due to habits but most of the time I could track down the triggers, the underlying emotions leading to thoughts or vise versa.
There are patterns, memories that lead to thinking leading to feelings of being alone unloved. Need to numb that feelings.

There are triggers other than breathing for me. Maybe at first they were obscured by the overwhelming size.

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Why do I do this to myself?!?

I have no doubt the majority of addicts all over the place will have said the same thing more than once!
I know i have!!!

One thing I truely had to accept was that I am an addict and that is a tough pill to swallow and we then have this perception that we are flawed!

With any addiction, what simply was something that was enjoyable became the only thing we needed to get through the day!

As I’ve read through the comments there is a patterning that all of us have come to acknowledge… You cant do this alone, you can’t just have that one…
The signals that you have taught your brain are deeply rooted and its not an overnight thing as your addiction didn’t start just one day it became consuming and over powering…

So your at the baby step stage where hurdles of life and triggering events are raw and you can’t keep kicking yourself because you turn to your DOC for support. Learning how to manage what you do in certain situations will take time and lapses do happen…
Some of us had to hit the ultimate bottom to accept the word addict and others got on top of the addict in them before they damaged anymore of themselves.

Life can still be amazing…
Try to be kind to yourself and begin to see you can have a life without a substance…

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This whole thread is amazing

Toki you have some insite big time

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Maybe try a meeting they will help wish you well

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I don’t remember most of my childhood I blocked it out I don’t know why my mom won’t talk about it just says your fine nothing happened. Iv always been a depressed person and together it snowballed I had lots of emotions ans feelings i couldn’t explain and it was crippling so I started drinking

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Thank you! This comment is very real

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At first i was like no way am I going to a class with a bunch of ppp as messed up as I am. But I’m starting to rethink and might give it a try

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I lost my father at the age of 5 (suicide) and cannot remember one thing about him. I ask my mother every now and then about him, the why and so on. It seems that I forget it immediately, I don’t know why. It makes me sad but most of the time I think it should make me sad as people tell me I have to miss it not having a father. It surely influenced me, my family and everything, still I haven’t found a means to digest it as I have no f*** memory. Depression runs in his side of the family as well and saying this I think I make excuses for not feeling good about myeelf.
But: drinking made absolutely everything worse! Incredibly worse.