Why I couldn't moderate

When I drank, I rarely meant to get sloppy drunk, it just happened, because I couldn’t control my drinking. I couldn’t control it because I was always trying to reach a certain level of intoxication, a magical point where I was satiated, comfortably numb; the Magic Zone. Most times, that magical level of intoxication always seemed to be just one drink away. The more I drank, the closer it it got, but it was always still, just one drink away. Then all of a sudden, I was in the next level- the word slurring, stumbling, falling down black out drunk level.

For years, I searched for the best way to get in to the Magic Zone. I tried to find the right combination of beer, wine, liquor. Experimented with variables, like time of day, empty stomach or full… But it was always just one drink away.

I tried limiting myself to 3 drinks, but that was not enough, I needed just one more. Alcohol removes your inhibitions and makes you more compulsive, so it didn’t take much to convince my self that one more drink was ok, over and over and over and over, one more drink.

It’s like dividing 5 by 2 and expecting to get to zero,
Then you divide 2.5 by 2 expecting zero
Then 1.25
Then .62
Then .31, etc.
You never reach zero.

Moderation is not possible for me. I cannot be satiated by any amount of drinks when it’s always one drink away.

How about you?
Why can’t you moderate?

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I can’t moderate because a little bit is never enough. It always leads to a little more, a little more, until I finally say, ‘F*ck it, let’s go all the way’. I can’t stop at “a little bit” because when I do, I feel cheated.

I can’t moderate, and I don’t want to. Moderation is just playing with fire, and there’s no benefit to it - I have never, ever had a time “moderating” that I felt any benefit at all. (I have had many times when I’ve used my sobriety tools to avoid “moderation temptation”, and I’ve felt great about it.)

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This was so eloquently written. And absolutely embodies how I felt. I wanted that magic place as well. But it was never attainable. I always needed one more to get there. Every single time, it was never enough. I would romanticize the past thinking I had acheived the magic before. But if I’m being honest, I never arrived. It was always “one more” away.

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I can remember sitting with a bottle, 5th or a half gallon thinking when i get to feeling good ill stop. The first drink i could feel the warm rush, the flood gates opening. “Just a few” would be enough for a moderate drinker but id continue to pour drink after drink till i was usually all out or face down. Even if i had to crawl into the liquor store, always needed more to get into that state of oblivion. Thats why drinking in moderation never worked for me. I didnt drink for the enjoyment i drank for the numbness.

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I always say your chasing that first,

Kinda like a spin on chasing the dragon,

The first time you get lit you feel euphoric get those endorphins going and in early stages your like hey I’m having good times,

You equate good times and that euphoria to drinking drugging what have you.

Then you start chasing that magic zone as HoofHearted calls it. But you can’t find it, cause it never existed in the first place it’s a placebo a magic trick, your addiction playing tricks on you to keep you feeding the machine

I say it all the time addiction is a machine, the machine is hungry it needs your life

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That’s one of the best explanations I have seen. Makes perfect sense

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Great share! I had some of the dumbest rules put in place to moderate…and I could find a way to amend them. What a screwed up way to live.

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Reminds me of the panic that comes when your down to your last drink but you know you will need more. Then off to the liquor store under the influence if they happened to still be open. I cannot moderate and I can relate 100% to your post as that was me also.

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Wow @HoofHearted! What a great way to put it!

I am going to photocopy your post and stick it to my fridge,my bathroom mirror, the back of the front door, and to the dashboard of my next car (when l buy one and get my licence back!) so l am reminded of what will happen if l think l can moderate!

I will also keep a copy in my handbag for the friends and family who still think l will be able ‘to drink like a lady’ one day, if l ‘just discipline’ myself enough!

Thank you for articulating yourself so well, so l don’t have to! :pray::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Mindset if you havnt got any defence then youl lift a drink thinking that one wont hurt , for me a program came in handy when i was faced with shaky decisions ,

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I totally agree with everything you said. For me it was always “if some feels good, more feels better”. Until the next morning when I wake up feeling like shit. But I had been drinking every day for all of my adult life (except for when I was pregnant) so I never realized I felt so rough in the morning because of alcohol m, unless I really went overboard and had a serious hangover.

When I started taking anxiety meds in October, I knew I wasn’t supposed to drink. I even asked the pharmacist how much alcohol was okay while taking them and she gave me a very judgmental answer of NONE. So I decided to try to moderate. Just have one or two small glasses of wine a night. Then I went to drinking every other night. That “worked” for about a month, and then the holidays hit and I decided to let loose. “Everyone else is drinking more, why not?” So moderation went out the window. I started thinking about doing dry January to get myself back to a place where I could control my drinking. To make a long story short, I finally realized the only way I can control my drinking is by not drinking at all.

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I too was always one drink away. “just one more” turned into at least 10 one mores.

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What does moderation means to you?

The textbook definition of moderation, in context of alcohol, is no more than 3 to 4 drinks per day and no more than 9 drinks per week.

But when I think about moderation, I have something completely different in mind.

My version of moderation is not a drink at dinner a few nights a week, if I’m being honest with myself, my version of moderation is getting drunk less often, maybe 1 or 2 times a week instead of 6 or 7.

My version of moderation isn’t moderation at all, and that’s why it never works.

Like I always say: I want moderation, because that gives myself permission to get drunk, and that’s all I really want, because I’m an alcoholic and that’s what alcoholics do.

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Very well put

Moderation is exhausting and keeps alcohol in control. Glad I was able to get off that ride.

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Moderation in my frame of reference is something that comes naturally to those who have a normal healthy relationship with alcohol.

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Is it just me? Or are there others out there dying to show they can ‘moderate’ their drinking, just to prove they are ‘normal’!!!

That’s what it is for me, l think.
For a girl that’s always been a bit ‘out there’,
I just want to fit in and look like l’ve got it ‘all together’.

The older l get, and the more times l fail miserably at moderating, the more l’m starting to think that it’s not for me.

And that the rest of the world could give a damn about what drink l have in my hand!!

Nobody’s looking, except me! Me, myself and my big fat EGO!! :weary::rofl:

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Up until my early 40s I didn’t drink much but started working in hospitality and that went out the window. It did slowly catch up to me and when I tried to moderate found that I couldn’t do so no matter what trick I was trying. Switching from wine to beer, having a glass of water in between or I won’t drink till weekend. None of it worked and it’s less stressful just not drinking than trying to follow rules that I would simply fail.

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Exactly well moderation is classified in medical studies as no more than two drinks per day for a male

1 drink for females

So if I can do 2 drinks a day, but abstain for 7 days that means I can have 14 on Sunday right? And that’s how it starts for me, and then I can “quit whenever I want” but I just don’t want to, why don’t I want to? Cause I can’t.

I hate the cliches and sayings of the program, and I always hated one day at a time, until I understood it, i don’t know what will happen tomorrow, I’m not there, I can only live for today and stay sober for today, those drinks can come another day, and I can procrastinate my drinking further

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Perfectly said. I never can cut myself off. I don’t know why. It baffles me when I see someone drink 3 or 4 drinks and they are done. I’m always in my head asking why the heck can’t I do that? Never happens. It took me years to make myself realize that I had a drinking problem. I was drinking every other day, but it wasn’t until I tried to moderate, and repeatedly failed every single darn time, I finally woke up and knew that I couldn’t control it, and apparently I couldn’t say no to the first one either. I think that’s why I have such a hard time staying sober. After a little time has passed and I would gain some confidence not drinking, I lie to myself and say well if I can control not drinking then certainly I can control how many now.
I lost about 20 years of missing out on life, family, and relationships because of my drinking. I don’t want to lose anymore. My longest sober time was 3 months.
But the only way I can truly fail, is by not trying at all. So once again here I am on day 1.

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