452 days today. I just ordered, recieved, looked at and pushed away a beer. It was planned, fully intentional visit to the local watering hole. Alcohol is cunning, and will play with what you are going through and thinking to make it seem like picking up is the only option. It just wasn’t one thing, but a multitude of thoughts, over a few weeks that lead to this. The following is what was going through my head:
i have had 1 day off since the 12th. Long days, exhausting days. I didnt get sober to live like this. I am miserable, might as well me miserable and drunk.
i am going to great pains to ensure my people at work are being taken care of. Yet my boss could give a fuck about me. I didnt get sober to get ignored and treated like and inconvenience. If I can be treated like this sober, i might as well be drunk.
I cant fall asleep, might as well be drinking…if I am only going to get 3 hours of sleep sober…might as well crack a cold one.
I want to share on here…but fuck, every snarky comment to a relapser ever said on here has went thought my brain. Every comment poking fun of or mocking someone on another thread has come straight from the dark reaches of my brain. If that is what is going to happen if I talk through my feelings, then I might as well get a drink…give them something to talk about. Maybe if I get lucky i will get the heart felt 3 word phrase, “try a meeting”. Might as well just drink.
Sunday is my 1 yr anniversary of going to AA…and I gave the guy covering me at work off. I can see on his face he is exhausted like me, he needs the day. Fuck it, if I cant celebrate it, might as wrll crack open a cold one. Heck the person, whose story got me finally to AA I cant even contact. If i am that unimportant then screw it…
And the thoughts keep going.
But i did not drink…
If I drink I do not have a chance at living a sober life. And a sober life is worth the struggle.
Its hard when you are new, for some of us its hard months after you stop. Everything mentioned above is an insane look at my current life, that is exactly what alcohol does, it makes your thought process insane.
You must have really really been struggling but thank you sharing all that. It just proves no matter how long you’ve got under your belt things can still jump out and challenge you. In honesty? that is both overwhelming and scary but bloody impressive that you didn’t cave. Stay strong x
As you go along your sober path, things get easier, and you get stronger. Days like this will come up again for me I am sure…and I will just kick its ass like I did today. I realized where my thinking was headed, anf I stopped it.
Hi @anon46927530! Thank you for sharing, it’s so precious for me. I am just on day 9, today I had similar thoughts.
It’s about why the hell shall I be sober?
I am right at the first sober steps, but much closer to the drinking time.
I’m sober because
I didn’t want a hangover anymore. Lost hours of headaches, weekness and an ugly face watching me - oops, that’s me, in the mirror…!
Low energy the whole day, to come home after work just to think, now I need alcohol to rest, to enjoy.
But
knowing at the same time, that one glas won’t be enough! The first drop will immediately make me more thirsty, greedy.
My evening would be over without anything else than drinking or planning to drink or discussing inside myself, if I should drink or how much or -
There will never be a satisfying by drinking, not for me.
To drink again will be a jumping back, maybe faster, maybe harder, maybe without any control.
I think it through.
Drinking is NOT a reward, it’s a black whole full of darkness.
The first glass is a one way ticket to real unhappiness. Because
it would never ever be only one…
Not for me.
What you wrote is how I felt on Friday… the fuck it button was so close … but guess what . We did the right thing for us our heads and hearts … we know recovery is the only way to live we know that 1 sip 1 whatever will screw all our hard work up … so pleased u posted this to remind us all we are only a arms length from a drink or drug … we need to keep focused on recovery… sending lots of love and strength x
I have had every one of those thoughts It’s reassuring I’m not the only one that does kudos on 452 days I’m only 165 days in before I went to treatment earlier this year the job I had for over 5 years I pay so much in child support I always thought to myself well if this is the money i have left I might as well get drunk if I’m alone after my divorced and working my ass off I might as well get drunk and it was an every night thing hammered when I got back from treatment going back to work scared me I wouldn’t keep my sobriety falling back into that rut and depression the trigger so I quit I was an alcoholic for over 13 years since I was 17 all I had in my head was if I work a long hard day at work I was working in agriculture so long hours that I deserved a nice cold one. You sound super dedicated to work and sobriety and the well being of your co workers. The reasons I quit my job was part embarrassment i had a massive alcohol withdraw seizure at work, and I knew with help from my counselor at treatment that I’m making a huge life change something I hadn’t done except when I was in the army reserves keep up the positive thoughts I still sit here wondering what I want to do and I think well I’m not doing anything I could just drink why not but I sit and think that’s not who I want to be any more I play the tape back to when I thought that way and I defiantly didn’t benefit from the drink sorry for the long post your awesome and should be proud keep it up hope you have a good day easy days will come
Thanks for sharing. You done great to recognise all those thoughts and not act on them, I always love reading your posts and have total admiration for you and your sober journey, keep it up. Also I think you need a holiday, or a few days off “sick”
Thanks for sharing, Scott. You help to keep me focused and you inspire me by the day. I’m glad you are sober and that you are here.
This week I have been feeling touchy, emotional and sensitive, which is pretty common but exhausting and tiresome. I appreciate these reminders of how close any of us can get.
Didn’t know you name was Scott but I agree your posts always resonate with me. You give great advice and are also very empathetic. Thank you for being you and being honest
