Wish I wasn't even writing this

I hit a huge low, on the 30th without expecting it to happen I went on a cocaine and alcohol binge. Pay day came and the excitement of hearing about the patios opening got me in an excited mood. First picked up a G of blow and went down the street to the patio for a cold one (by myself). Went to leave after the 1 beer, go in car, won’t start… luckily I had jumper cables and super nice ppl willing to help, tried 4 different times car still dead. They say it’s ok if the car stays overnight in their lot. I take a cab to visit my parents for a bit as they live close to the bar area downtown which was my excuse just to be in walking distance to more patios. Patio #2 have 1 drink then go around corner to another dealer for “just” a half a gram of coke. Now on to my 3rd patio, see no available tables, the bouncer says I could join a table if I want?! So me being the outgoing gal I am, head on over and ask these older guys if they mind if I grab a seat. Awkward at first but overheard them talking about motorcycles and cars so I join in on conversation, it really was just an innocent nice hangout, there for a while then I mention to the one guy regarding my car dilemma and asked if he’d mind dropping me off at my car. Yep no prob, my car happily starts, BUT because Tiff is in a great mood I still wanted to party so asked guy if he wanted to have a drink at that patio (I have a boyfriend by the way) :pensive: My whole demeanor is just innocent and making friends (still not ok when I’m in a relationship, as fucked as my relationship is) I think part of me felt happy to have “new eyes” see me and make me feel like a great awesome gal. Anyway he did give me his number, I should throw it away??! :thinking: After that I drove to my regular dealer who is a friend (yup I know…) and just hung out there played cards had laughs, I honestly had the time of my life guys. BUT guess whose phone had been dead for hours with no charger that’d fit my phone, loved ones having no clue if Im dead or alive…fast forward to me getting kicked out of boyfriend’s house on Canada Day as Im typing this at my parents.

10 Likes

I think this may be for the better if it’s a “fucked” relationship. Recovery isn’t easy when you live in a toxic environment.
Next time you decide to do something stupid, think of how you feel right now. Use this as motivation next time.
I’m sorry that your life feels so shit now, but that is your mistake. It will take a bit of time, but it will likely get better again.
Next time you think you’re going to use, come on here and ask for advice.

8 Likes

Dear Tiffs. I wish you a clean healthy happy life. This is not the way to go about it. You weren’t expecting it to happen sounds like you weren’t there. You were. Your dealer is not your friend. He’s your dealer. You ain’t got this yet Tiffs. Becoming clean is serious work and I think you know it. Make work of it. You can do it but it takes effort and work. Please put it in. You need alternatives before you decide to go out and use. You need alternative plans and strategies to deal with life. You need clean friends. A clean lifestyle. Come on Tiff, you can do this. With some help.

13 Likes

Oh lovely lady your life sounds just like mine was 20 years ago … I wish I had people back then telling me how terrible my life was gonna get cos the people I had around me was just like what u have I really thought my dealer was my friend!!! I thought the guys at the bars liked me … I’m afraid each and every one took advantage of me acting the fool … fast forward 20 years and I didn’t get help I got worse the coke tired into crack and I replaced drinking with heroin. Please get off this rollercoaster your on now before u end up like me … I loved going out getting attention it was part of a buzz for me then I ended up isolating using drugs on my own thinking my life was normal!!! I wish I could sit infront of u now and tell u my story and help u realise the way u r is so unhealthy. Please hun grab all the help u can and save yourself from a life of pain x message me anytime u want id love to help u x

12 Likes

“the excitement of hearing about the patios opening got me in an excited mood”

The pubs open here tomorrow, but I’m not excited about it because they are basically a dealers front room.
Just a different perspective…

6 Likes

The tough love from all of you is much needed, no sugar coating is what I need. I’ll admit, I didn’t give 2 shits yesterday about my hope for sobriety, I had that 1 track addict mind

9 Likes

Bless your heart I hope your feeling better today x xxx

3 Likes

Do you know honestly what a breath of fresh air you are? :heart: I’m inboxing you tomm. Need much needed sleep for now. xo

5 Likes

Oh Im in the midst of finding professional help, it’s obvious I need it

2 Likes

Can’t wait to have these different perspectives come with ease, appreciate this :slight_smile:

3 Likes

No problem hun get some sleep and whenever your ready were connect xx sending you lots of faith hope and courage x

1 Like

Sounds to me like you were having the time of your life???:pray: when I lapsed I was broken dragging my feet my heart ripped in two .I think your H.P trying to give you some hints and tips along the way aswell ,the car ,no seats there all little qyes for us to pick up on .I’m sorry you feel shitty now but unfortunately we learn through our journey we reap what we sow.:purple_heart::pray:all the best for the journey ahead.

Ps I did read you didn’t want ppl to sugarcoat it.:pray::pray::pray::pray::purple_heart::purple_heart::pray::pray:

4 Likes

I must admit “Tiff’s Got This”. My reaction to this was very much " WTF"
You went out specifically.
You have heard of the term saying no to yourself yes?
One of the hardest things that I found I’ve ever had to do!
Try that next time.
Then you won’t be likely to put yourself in danger.

3 Likes

Hey Tiffs.

The question is - would you be even regreting this if you wouldn’t have been kicked off the house by your boyfriend? Because except this you sound like you enjoyed the “time out”.
This is not judging you at all. I mean the question seriously. Because if you want to get sober and clean you need to know if you even really want it from the depth of your heart and (as already mentioned here) if you are WILLING to put the hard work in place :wink:

Of course I wish you to have your eyes open and your mind clean, I wish for you an ability to enjoy your life without a need for drugs. Believe me, there are many much better things in the world then getting yourself drugged and doing nonsenses.

I truly wish you all the best :four_leaf_clover::heart:

Thank you for your honesty and sharing :heart:

5 Likes

Sorry to hear this, I can tell you right now, someone in here has done something simular, I know I have! I beat my self up every day knowing what I did, but, you needed to forget about that and focus on your self. Getting clean is the priority in life, and as for your friends… (dealers) let me ask you something… Would any friend give you drugs? Would they take money off of you because of drugs? No chance!!! There money grabbing bastards who know what there doing, your just a money sign to them. Fuck all that, while your making your self ill with this addiction he living off of it. Get clean, and show these peasants you aint a fool! New day today, keep your mind fresh, I’ve learnt friends ain’t who there’s supposed to be. Your number 1 so work on it. Os, admitting this is the first step, so you’ve accomplished that. X

6 Likes

Honestly you’re post is very triggering for me and was the last time too. About your bf saying I’ll be back, all this shit use to be me and I always thought it was fun blowing 600 or more a damn night on cocaine, it got to the point where my brain got so fucked up and a gram wouldn’t even last me 30 minutes, I would geek out around ppl so bad and look stupid as fuck. Sounds like you may honestly not be ready yet, but you might want to get ready. Bc on drinking and driving you may think you’re having the time of you’re life untill all the sudden you’re not. You’re gonna get nailed with a dwi eventually, or then nailed with a controlled substance ticket and then you’re life is really gonna be in shambles. I’m glad you felt like you had the time of you’re life, take it from someone who was doing this shit, and having the time of his life. Untill he wasn’t anymore, when he got 3 dwis because he was having the time of his life, leaving his pregnant gf home for days on end because he was out doing drug runs and having the time of his life. Untill finally he lost everything put his self over 60 grand in debt because he was having the time of his life. And now literally is 30 years old living at home with his mom, hasn’t had a license in 6 years all because he thought he was having the time of his life

29 Likes

Well said…and look at where you are now…and where you going…:pray:t5: your an inspiration…I’m a cocaine/ alcohol addict in recovery as well.

Tiff your not alone. Were all sending you strength and positive energy. You e asked for help…everyone’s recovery looks different but you admitted the first step like was said earlier. I have the same dynamic…my kids father was cocaine addict before I met him…17 years ago was introduced to it and still struggling to be free. We must take responsibility for our actions. Only you with the help.of your HP can end this crazy cycle. All the best. :pray:t5:

2 Likes

Nice one Mike!
Rocking it man! :facepunch:

1 Like

Very powerful man. That should hit home. I know it does with me! :boom::clap:

1 Like

bless you, nat. :heart:

1 Like