I recently was in a horrible car accident in which my friends dog died. My alcoholism was the only cause for this accident. The guilt eats at me and i wish i could take it back. But I cant, and I shouldn’t. I wish it didn’t come to this but it had to in a sick way. I am so grateful to be alive but i feel so much guilt about not having this figured out or not having been in it 100%. I constantly toyed with how much I WANT to be sober until i figure it out ( i now know there is no figurijg it out), i dont know why it took me this long to say I NEED to be sober for the REST OF MY LIFE. I am just wondering if theres anyone who can relate to this. My resolve is strong and I know im supposed to feel this… but I really could use some foresight into what life is for you later on.
Hey Tony, Welcome to TS. That sounds heavy and heartbreaking. I know I also had a ton of crap similar in my drinking life (40+ years, it included leaving my young daughter with sketchy people, totalling several cars - not all of them mine, marrying a violent drunk, being an idiot in general, and so much much more). There is a lot of mess that goes with a life of drinking and also plenty of positives in my life as well. But it was the drinking and drug stuff that was sucking the life out of me, you know? I didn’t know any other life and man, I was miserable.
But somehow after a lot of hard work and keeping moving forward and always always keeping at my quit, I got sober a few years ago. I am as astonished at this as anyone. I wanted it for so long and for so long it eluded me. But once I found this place and grasped hold of it and hung out here day after day after day, my quit stuck.
So life later on…2,379 days later…my life is much less chaos, my brain is much less painful, my dark suicidal thoughts are pretty much gone (they were constant at the end of my drinking career). The guilt, shame and regret…I don’t ever wake up with that. I have forgiven myself for my past and what I didn’t know and how I coped (really really poorly) with my life’s trauma. I learned compassion for my self, my journey, my humanness. And I recognize we are all human, doing our best.
Life still is life and there are things that throw me for a loop and anxiety and depression can still come for visits. But I am more clear and able to deal with life and all it brings. I have done a lot of work on my recovery/self since getting sober and that continues. It helps a lot.
I can honestly say I never have regretted waking up hangover free. My life is simpler and my brain is much lighter. I still have problems, but alcohol sure isn’t one of them. And I am very grateful for that.
There is a fresh new life awaiting you. You can let down that heavy burden. 
Hey, sorry to hear. I didn’t have car accident under the influence. But i was driving drugged. More horrible was that i was driving with my kids or with kids of my feiends… nothing happened but wheni think abot it today i am apalled by my stupidity.
For me at start of my sober journey thinking abou this I will not drink any more in my life was hard. My therapist and aa friends told me to try not to think about that this way. They suggested other type of thinking: i will not.drink for today. I dont need to think about tommorow becouse I cennot perdict what i will be doing next day. The next day i was thinikg same again.
It is called 24 hours. In hard days when i wanted to drink I.eaven thinked that i will not drink for one more hour. And afrer an hour sometimes it gone, if not I wasn’t drinking for one more hour.
Now I am sober for 4,5 year. My thinking is different. Now I thik that I don’t want to drink. I dont want to go back to horrible part of my life. And to situation like mentioned above.
I celebrate mornings. When I wake up sober and rested. How could I exchange it for mornings with headache, morning with fears of what I was doing yesterday. Toughts about drugs and wher i have stashed them. What I told my wife. Where are my money and so on…
I thank for evry sober day and evry 24 hours.
Thank you so much. Im on this jouney for the long haul. Is there ways i am able to reach out that you recommend before i find a sponsor?
I am not in AA, so I can’t help with sponsor questions. I am sure another member may have a suggestion for you.
Welcome to the forum @TeboTony
Life down the path of sobriety is great, there are still problems, sad times, hard times but you can deal with them with clarity and presence of mind.
Choosing to be sober today will change your life tomorrow 
If you go to a meeting youl get a sponsor there, wish you well
Welcome to the community Anthony
I am so sorry yet grateful that the accident brought you to us here. I do hope that you are able to find a support system in real life and keep connected with us here to stay accountable and keep on the sober path.
The beginning is rough. Your mind will try to spin many scenarios - telling you it is okay to drink or just one wont hurt or you can moderate. All of these are lies and once you give in it is harder to climb out of the addiction hole. Stay hydrated, rest when you need to and stay focused on a sober life. Sobriety does not mean a dull and boring life - just means that we are no longer numbing ourselves - now we experience it ALL.
In sobriety so many things get better-- some things to look forward to:
- better sleep
- hair, skin and gut feel healthier
- patience level increases
- anger subsides
- our minds are clearer and operate better
- honest friendships are kept / made
- no more hangovers
- no more feelings of guilt and shame
- getting to know yourself
just to name a few — i’m only on 9 months but i do know the benefits of sobriety are endless. Wish you well on your journey.
Welcome to the community @TeboTony 
I’m glad you are here.
I’m 60 days in now and am feeling so much better. More confident, less anxiety and guilt, waking up tested and not worrying about the night before, relationships are improving…the list goes on.
In the Rooms is a great place to find online and in person meetings. I use it a lot and there are also discussion topics linked to aa and how to get involved:
https://www.intherooms.com/public/login
Hope that can help you get started. It is so important to reach out and build a sober community around you, you got this 
