Yoga and journaling

Life in Recovery
#1

I’ve made connections here, both interpersonal and mind/body ones, that have helped my sobriety and maturing processes. Folks here can think, for the most part, and I appreciate this.

I want to create a personal thread where I share my yoga practices and talk about my thoughts, feelings, perceptions, etc. I need others to reflect back their own thoughts, this helps me the most. I need critical thinking, but the benevolent kind.

I use weed to calm my nervous system, but this is bullcrap because aside from consuming weed, my habits are terrible. My sleep is bad, I over do it, I’m putting pressure on myself, I’m skipping on my meds, and I’m not learning to calm my system down naturally, and so because of this, I have moments where I breakdown, mostly physically and mentally.

I really understand now “i dont have another recovery in me”. It feels like I cannot get sober. But, if there is one thing I have is that i dont give up, but this is a double edge sword. I always think i can, but then when it comes to putting sobriety in motion, i feel the absolute exhaustion of sobriety. How come?

I guess this is a journaling effort to connect and learn mind, body and soul to make sobriety happen.

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#2

Today’s practice

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#3

Oh I love Bird. I do one of her yin sequences regularly in bed before sleep, it is perfection for me.

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#4

Me too :sparkling_heart: thanks for sharing.

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#5

It’s cool that you have kept your yoga practice up through it all. Something I really struggle with. Not just yoga tbh, any habits/ routines.

Is it just that your life is exhausting? You mention putting pressure on yourself. I don’t know if that is in expectations or commitments or both… Maybe some letting go is in order?

In my experience at least, most of the things I thought I ‘couldn’t’ let go of, it was only because of the weight of my own expectations.

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#6

I mean, isnt life exhausting in general, haha.

I’ve received this feedback before but I dont know what it means. What do you mean things you thought you couldnt let go of?

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#7

Like for me it was voluntary commitments, educational stuff, also goals and expectations I was setting for myself that didn’t do anything except make me feel terrible. Also I gave up work for a while - I appreciate not an option for everyone. But we were in a position to make a choice about our lifestyle to accommodate less money coming in.

I dunno, I spent a long time trying to work out my purpose and hustle and grind and all it did was grind me down. I had ideas about ambition and success that ultimately I now think are bullshit. I do not need to achieve anything to be ‘worthy’. In fact I had to work on dropping the idea of worthy-ness out of my narrative altogether. In CBT terms, I worked on building the core belief ‘I am enough’.

When I drank, drinking was a big part of my identity. Along with being ‘successful’ or busy or productive or whatever. Stripping back as much of that as possible, trying to find some simplicity, helped me just be a human being for a bit.

I am starting to emerge from it now and I can feel the overwhelm. I have more learning to do. Things will ebb and flow I’m sure. Sometimes it will be easier to manage things than others. But when I am feeling overwhelmed I need to look at what actions or expectations I can start to let go of. Bring myself back to a more manageable level.

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#8

Thanks for your response. Certain parts resonate with me, I need to digest it a little.

It sounds like you really understood something about your worth, which is lovely to hear.

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#9

It’s a journey that’s for sure. It’s hard to get it across in a few sentences - it makes it sound like a much more linear and straightforward process than it was!

I’m glad some of it resonates with you. Of course my priorities and needs won’t be the same as yours, or everyone else. But I think all of us could do with a reminder that it’s OK to give ourselves time to process, rest, etc. Whatever that looks like within our own lives.

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#10

I was craving tonight, hard. Craving immobilizes. Craving is a stuck feeling. Its as if i leave myself and “tune out” and all i want to do is use. Use why… i had a headache as well, which im sure is related to not using…

I did a second yoga session to move through, but just going to mat felt hard. After the session, it left. If only i can remember this. Craving passes. It ebbs and flows.

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#11

this entry is sensitive, discusses animal end of life and gut issues

I’ve been mulling over the idea of doing too much, I often get this comment. I’m very ambitious, always have been, dating back to when I was a kid. I have the ability to generate energy and be focused with what I care about. There is not much I fail at either, getting from point A to B, back to A from Z does not phase me. Often folks will be like, you do so much, but I don’t relate to this. I think it’s what I do and how I do it that is more the issue.

When I got sober from alcohol, I realized I had major alignement and integrity issues; I was not aligned with what I wanted to do, but rather what I thought I ‘‘should’’ do, which was caregiving. I had been caregiving for over 20 years in various capacities and I burnt out.

Here is where at the moment this turns into difficulty. I’m still pulled to caregiver and I’m still transitioning and aligning myself (I will need to speak more specifically about this).

Right now, my asshole literally is burning because I’m getting sick over my cat’s health. I’m having major anxiety and gastro issues. My cat is dying and I’m caregiving for her all day, and at night. I have an appointment scheduled to euthanize her at home on Friday :pensive:

It’s been over a year that we have been monitoring my cat’s situation, and in the past month, it has been going downhill. I need to be with her at all times and the other day, I felt like I was losing it. Much of the pain felt is the same pain felt in burn-out. It’s a twisting of my guts feeling.

I want to be able to give more care. I want to be able to save. I’m addicted to substances because I cannot reconcile emotionally the inability to save, the fatigue I have with caregiving in general and how easily I can get triggered physically when I’m giving too much.

There is an energetic hole I need to close, and I can’t seem to do it. This is the crux of my pain and fatigue.

I will go do some yoga now, and share later.

Thanks for reading.
day 5

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#12
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#13

Very relaxing, no down dog

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#14

That was very nice and there is no high motivation needed to go on the mat for this. Thank you :cherry_blossom::revolving_hearts:

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#15

This is my favorite hatha yoga flow video.
It is a bit retro style but really calm and nice!
Maybe some of you might joy it.

I also like Yoga with Adrienne or Yoga with Bird. “Mady Morrison” is a bit more challenging, it always depends on what we need the actual day. https://youtube.com/c/MadyMorrison

Have a wondeful, sober day :revolving_hearts::cherry_blossom::white_flower:

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#16

Thank you for this. I hope to do it in an hour :slight_smile:

#17

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My cat Sof is getting euthanized tomorrow at 11:15 am.

I’m doing an at home service because we need this and she deserves it.

I’m concerned for my state tomorrow, I’m already randomly crying and feeling heavy.

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#18

I am so sorry and my heart is heavy for you Mel. Saying goodbye is so hard and grief so strong. May you have many cuddles tonight with your beloved kitty and may your tears flow freely. :heart:

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#19

Sassy, I don’t know if I can do this.

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#20

It’s part of the deal Mel. It’s the responsibility we take upon ourselves when we take these little creatures into our homes, into our lives and into our hearts. I know how hard it is. You’re truly not alone. I’m so sorry but you will do this because there is nothing else to do. Big hugs. In my thoughts and in my feels the both of you.

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