Been drinking 25 years, have tried to quit a thousand times. I keep on trying. I work as a biologist, have an awesome job and take care of two kids on my own (ages 17 and 9). I am 39 years old, have pretty much no family other than an aunt I speak to on occasion. I live in a college town so the friends I have made in the last 7 years of living here are all major drinkers so I have been avoiding them since last year when everything started to get really bad with my drinking. I basically go to work, hang out with my kids, garden, take care of my cats and dogs. And that’s my life in a nutshell right now. Been through a slew of bad relationships that revolved around drinking, so I am taking a break from that as well, been single almost 8 months. I have depression and social anxiety, ptsd from being beaten by men when I was a teenager. Am on meds for that, barely works probably because I drink with them and ruin the effect. I am determined to quit this time around as I have been journaling since I tried to commit suicide when I was drunk in December and I have re-read everything I have written since then and I can finally see the patterns and alcoholism for what it is. Instead of forgetting or believing things weren’t/aren’t as bad as I thought- I have a written record of suicidal ideation, hangovers, fights, poor decisions, horrible feelings of self-hatred, anger and hatred towards everyone else, etc. I am tired of this life I lead and rather than ending it, I would like to do the 2nd half of it sober. Glad to be on the boards again and appreciate the community for being here. It is hard to manage this condition when no one in your physical life understands. Here, everyone knows what these feelings are and have had them. I listen to podcasts called Recovery Elevator and hearing the peope describe thoughts and feelings and behaviors I thought only I had was a huge awakening for me. I am following Refuge Recovery, a buddhist method to recovery. I like it because is empowers the individual and holds them accountable and in control of their own life. I don’t get on with the HP thing. I’ve relied on only myself my entire life and have never had a support system, literally ever, so it is engrained in me to never give up control. I seem to be always the one others go to or rely on to fix problems or provide emotional or financial support, etc. I am hoping one day that this will change and I can engage with a person on whom I can rely and feel safe trusting. Thank you for reading this far and I hope it wasn’t too erratic, I only had about ten minutes to spare!