Single greatest improvement in my life has been removing my feeling of being my own God. God don’t wake up thinking he’s David. I’m not religious either, I like the idea of a creator individual to me.
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And just remember you can make God anything you want. If you want to pray to a big giant rock that’s cool. Big giant rocks are a power greater than you. The point is that really helps to have something or someone who is always looking out for you
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I kind of want a big giant rock now
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I grew up in church, went twice on sundays and every Wednesday night. I told myself I stopped going because our preacher died and I overheard the guy that replaced him making a snide comment about my dad, but looking back at it now with a little more clarity I can see that the real reason is because it was cutting into my drinking and dope time and I was ashamed to keep showing up hungover or still buzzed. When my wife miscarried we started arguing and blaming each other and ended up divorced. Those wounds were still fresh when I first tried to quit 4 years ago so when I walked in a meeting and read the 12 steps my immediate reaction was what has God done for me? He gave up on me and left me to my own fate a long time ago so it was like i only put in a half hearted attempt and i failed in a matter of no time. I kept that attitude the next 2 times i tried, told myself nature was going to be my higher power and that’s how I started this time around too, but I knew I wasn’t doing something right that needed to change and the first time I had that God doesn’t care about me thought it was immediately followed by “what about Job? If that man could keep his faith through everything that happened to him what’s your excuse? I’ll tell you what it is, you’re still taking these damn pills so you’re too ashamed to talk to the guy and admit you’ve been a jackass for the last 15 years.” Having that thought was like finally pulling open a door I’d been pushing against all those years and I’ve made more progress than I ever have before and it made sitting down and working on step 4 so much easier, I feel like I’m finally making peace with all the bad stuff that happened and atoning for all the horrible things I’ve done. Your higher power doesn’t have to be the God of organized religion if you aren’t religious (and I definitely wasnt when I started down this path) but he just might be, you have to open your mind and accept what comes because fighting any inspiration that comes to you after you start the program is just like treading water or pushing and holding that door closed when it’s trying to open for you.
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I can relate on a lot of levels. I abandoned God because I didn’t like the feeling of someone looking over me in my debauchery. But my higher power is patient. He never left me, he was just waiting for me to come home.
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So, because I like building suspense, I have a really good prayer story that I may share tomorrow about the day I got home from rehab. It’s pretty moving stuff, at least for me it was haha.
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Looks like everyone is on the same bus and God is driving!
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It’s tomorrow 
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I started typing it earlier then got distracted. Chapter 2 is forthcoming.
So in the interest of brevity I will keep this shorter than my general ramblings.
So when I got out of rehab for the third time my life was a mess. I had 30 days clean and not much else. My parents weren’t going to let me stay there, but since I had no where else to go I was given a one night reprieve. The closer the van from rehab got to their house the more scared I was getting. No one was going to be there when I arrived. I knew there was booze and some drugs that I didn’t get a chance to do before getting thrown out hidden in the house. Considering I really didn’t see any way out of my particular situation I was terrified I was going to use. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t want to use, but I’m an addict, it’s what I do.
For previous few years I was pretty spirituality and emotionally broken. I had lost friends and relationships that I never really addressed, which just made my feelings worse. When I got home I stood in my driveway smoking a cig watching the van pull away and said “well what the fuck are you going to do now?”
In rehab I started to repair my relationship with my higher power, but didn’t try praying. In fact I probably never genuinely prayed in my life. I went inside set my bags down and was about to sit down when I decided to try it. I drops to my knees and said the most honest prayer of my life. I told God I was afraid and lonely. I told him I didn’t have any idea of what I was doing. Most importantly I asked for help. I then spent a long time praying and crying and asking God to remove all the pain that I had never addressed.
Finally I felt a sense of relief wash over me. I wasn’t cured by any means, but for the first time in a long time I had hope. I finally felt like there was a reason to keep going. Without that day none of my recovery would have been possible. It started the wonderful relationship with my higher power that I have now.
I won’t push the concept of a higher power on anyone, but I feel bad for anyone who will never get the chance to experience the feeling that I had that day.
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I made the same experience. I was standing in the shower and didn’t start my sober journey yet. I was so desperate bc my whole body hurt. I had bad eczema and a bad problem with abscesses. My whole skin was fucked up and I was crying heavily. I just started to pray. I don’t know what I said but after that I felt lighter and clearer. I knew I had to stop drinking and destroying myself. I then forgot about that experience, it seemed not important to me. But from time to time I kept praying and it was good. It felt like a warm blanket or a nice hug.
I cried for help and strength and something did show me how strong I can be.
Since that time I’m a believer and I feel connected to something bigger 
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I think the physical action of dropping to my knees had a profound impact. I didn’t know how to pray, just to ask for all my wants and wills. My first earnest attempt at praying this time, I kept all my wants out of it. Nothing but the gratitude for what I still had, would lose. I prayed for other people, I prayed for help in helping them. I prayed to have my obsession and conpulsion to drink be removed so that I may be of service and use to Him. The immense feeling, the welling of tears, the washing relief was so profound I couldn’t describe it, instant pink cloud effect. I wanted to help everyone, everything, forgive everything. I had to grow some and temper my resolve about God, I was still full of my righetous beliefs, acceptance happened shortly after. So much more peace and serenity in life now.
Good share Derek.
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Good stuff guys! Here’s a very quick version of mine. I had been going to meeting everyday for about 3 weeks. I couldn’t believe I was still sober. But I wasn’t complete by any means. I was defo white knuckling it.
I knew something was happening tho. There were so many “coincidences” happening in those meetings. The right topic on the night I really needed that topic. The right person talking to me after the meeting. It kept happening. At the time, I didn’t know that it was God. I was still struggling with a higher power.
One night after a meeting this dude named Paul approached me. Never seen him before and haven’t seen him since. He was chattin with me about God. I told him that I believed in God but that was about all I knew. That I felt unworthy for all of my wrongdoing. I told him that I didn’t know how to talk to God. He smiled and said "God is listening to you right now"
That was when I felt it. At those words it was like a switch went off inside my heart. Those words really dumbed down something I had been mindfucking for the past 3 weeks. It was so simple. God was listening.
The tears started flowing and like Derik, I spoke to God for the first time ever. Paul said the 3rd step prayer with me and I felt it my heart. When I got home I asked God to remove the obsession to drink from me and He did. I have not obsessed a drink since. That was the night everything changed for me. That was also the night that I learned that there is no such thing as a “coincidence”. It was God putting these people and things in my life exactly when I needed them. And He did that night.
Lol. I still get tears in my eyes when I tell that story
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Beautiful story, makes little tears coming up my eyes.
Yes, these “coincidences“, they kept (and keep) happening to me too. It’s like my receiver went from Off to On.
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I know many people dont believe in “God” as their higher power. I’d been holding back my opinion on this topic, but I feel that I should share it anyway.
I believe that we are children of God as the bible states. Moses spoke with him face to face and was referred to as His son. It blew his mind. He been raised in the courts of Pharoah, basically royalty. What did he say after his encounter? He had never before considered that man was nothing. But, not nothing. We are important to our Father in Heaven. His purpose is to raise our spirits into adulthood. We are all spiritual infants. We’re sent to this life to experience the bad so that we can appreciate the good. What would life be like if God just removed all the hardship from the world? There would be no climb, no ascent, no refining. We could not become holy as He is without going through the furnace of affliction.
Our progress through this life helps us have understanding for God’s mercy and justice. And after all is said and done, if we strive to do what He wants us to do, we will have the chance to grow more.
Think about this. If God is the parent of your spirit, are you not His son/daughter? And if you are, then do you not have a divine heritage? You are special, and He loves you, because you are His.
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Clearly the higher power is trying to tell me something. Thanks everyone!
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